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Granddaughter and partner issues

(61 Posts)
Ganny2 Fri 01-Jul-22 21:17:32

Hi all. I'm in a 14 year relationship and we live together just the 2 of us. Both previously divorced. I have 2 children and he has 1. My son is engaged to a lady who has an 8year old from a previous relationship. I treat her as if she was my biological gd. She is having some problems due to past issues and occasionally acts out. Eg. Has fake crying episodes when she doesn't get her way, sometimes doesn't answer me when I ask her something. Other times she is really well behaved and loving. When she acts out I do discipline her and I don't give in to her. Problem is my partner says she is a horrible girl and he intensely dislikes her. I try have her for a weekend about every 6 to 8 weeks so not very very often. But when she comes his whole attitude towards me and her changes. This lead to a huge fight last weekend. He says when she is here it puts him in a bad mood. I said I am trying to help the girl and that I cannot tell my son she cannot come here. I feel that would be wrong. I asked my partner to please support me when she is here by not changing his attitude towards me. I said he doesn't need to be involved with her buy just support me. His reply was no. He said she is not my gd and if I insist on her coming here then his attitude towards me will stay bad. This lead to a huge fight and he is now sleeping in the spare room for a week already and said he is making plans to leave. Am I wrong to want to have my sons finances daughter here even if she does have some issues at the moment.

Jaffacake2 Fri 01-Jul-22 21:37:24

Your partner has issues not just with this child but also in his relationship with you. It sounds as though he emotionally punishes you and blames an 8 year old as a reason and excuse for his abusive behaviour.
Well done for trying to connect to the child who is probably reacting to the tension within the household and that could be the reason for her behaviour which could indicate insecurity.
Maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship with your partner and question why he is reacting this way to you and whether you consider it acceptable or abusive.

MissAdventure Fri 01-Jul-22 22:00:42

Does your partner rule the roost in your family?
Of course an 8 year old is going to play up sometimes; they all do, because they are children.

sodapop Fri 01-Jul-22 22:10:41

I think your partner is being unreasonable as you only have the child to stay every couple of months. It seems you have reached an impasse now as you have tried to talk to him and explain things.
It is a great shame that a 14 year relationship should end this way. His reaction does seem excessive, is there any underlying reason for his apparent dislike of the child.

BlueBelle Fri 01-Jul-22 22:11:37

Sorry but I don’t take to your partner much, a grown man jealous of an 8 year old Perhaps it would be better if he had the weekend away when she comes All kids act up
A weekend once every two months isn’t much he needs to grow up perhaps he isn’t the man you thought he was

Shelflife Fri 01-Jul-22 22:12:58

I agree and perhaps you should think long and hard about your partners attitude towards an 8 year old child and of course his attitude towards you. He is putting you in an impossible situation with your son and his fiance. You recognize the child has challenging behaviour and you are to be commended for trying to help the child. Of course you can' t tell your son that the child can not come - if you did that you are at risk of losing your son !! Is that what your partner wants ? As for sleeping in another room and threatening to leave ???? That seems to me to be scare tactics to get you to side with him and cause trouble between you and your son and his fiance. Forgive me for making these assumptions but this is my gut feeling. Surely if he loves you he would not behave in this way and cause you so much anxiety. His behaviour smells of abuse to me and I urge you to stop and take stock of your relationship. Feels like a control issue to me - take care !

Callistemon21 Fri 01-Jul-22 22:36:27

It's not only the eight year old who is being childish and she is allowed because she is a child and has had a difficult start to her life.

Your OH is behaving in a very immature way.
It's a form of bullying and control.

Shelflife Fri 01-Jul-22 22:45:50

Beware Ganny2!!!!!!!

Spinnaker Fri 01-Jul-22 23:18:05

Let him bugger off, you'll all feel better for it. Bet the little girl will notice the difference too - very intuitive kids you know.

VioletSky Fri 01-Jul-22 23:26:26

Your partner behaves far worse than Your granddaughter.

He is acting abusively

Perhaps you should think about letting him leave.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

ElaineI Fri 01-Jul-22 23:30:28

I have read a similar post before. Have you posted about this a while ago? Depends on how much you love him I suppose. He is behaving like a spoilt child and trying to force your hand. Many men are like this - sulk and try to get their own way. Having this issue myself though not about the GC. Sometimes think it would be better, easier and happier without DH but then think it's me. I guess only you can decide.

eazybee Sat 02-Jul-22 09:01:23

If the presence of this child arouses so much tension, your house is definitely not the right place for her to be, for her sake at least.
Why can you not tell your son that she cannot come here? Are they unable to cope with her? Could you stay in their house in an attempt to help the child, or are her problems more serious than you realise?
You need to tread carefully here.

crazyH Sat 02-Jul-22 09:14:26

Ending a 14 year relationship is going to be hard. On the other hand, your needs you now and I know where my loyalties lie. You say she is like your own GD. She is going through a difficult time and it’s natural for an 8year old to ‘act out’. He should be supporting you, instead of behaving like a spoilt child. He is resentful of the attention you are giving her. Good luck !

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 09:21:24

Does your partner have a history of this kind of behaviour when he doesn't like something you do?

25Avalon Sat 02-Jul-22 09:32:02

Difficult. You have taken on a difficult 8 year old who you haven’t known long without asking your partner who you have been with for 14 years if he agrees. Having her to stay affects you both and your relationship and I can see why he feels aggrieved although he is now behaving rather petulantly. Suppose he had someone round to stay, that you didn’t like, without asking you. How would you feel? You need some sort of compromise here not hard lining.

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 09:34:53

Every 6 to 8 weeks??
Not my idea of a partner if he can't get over himself and behaves like a petulant child.

luluaugust Sat 02-Jul-22 09:53:17

If he wasn't so old I would say he was acting like child no. 1 when the new baby is bought home! Jealousy for some reason.
There has to be more going on here.

GagaJo Sat 02-Jul-22 10:00:05

Poor child. I woul imagine that his attitude and the atmosphere it creates makes her behviour even worse.

Can he go and stay somewhere else where she comes to stay? Sounds as if it is your house.

ExDancer Sat 02-Jul-22 10:17:01

Avalon has a point, lets look at it from your partner's point of view. Your duty to this child is tenuous, she is not a relative and if her mother and your son split up, she will be out of your life for ever.
You don't say how your partner's attitude towards you has changed when she stays? Is he aggressive, dismissive, rude? Does he actually upset her and make her feel unwelcome? How long do these visits last? I'm surprised she wants to stay with you at all.
We need more background information.

MissAdventure Sat 02-Jul-22 10:21:17

I suppose we could also look at it from the little girl's mum's point of view.
I doubt she has been told what is going on - it's awful to think she is sending her little girl into a situation which is fraught with tension, without knowing.

Callistemon21 Sat 02-Jul-22 10:33:53

Good point, MissA

I wouldn't want my little DD or DGD put into that situation with a man who intensely dislikes her and is too immature to hide his feelings.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 02-Jul-22 11:12:50

If he says he is leaving you over such a trivial matter then I would be suspicious, there could be another reason and he is using the GD ( who only visits every 7 weeks) as an excuse.

It sounds as though he doesn’t like losing control over you, how dare you have a mind of your own! You either toe the line or he will leave you?

Ganny2 Sun 03-Jul-22 08:23:43

Thank you all for your advise. To answer a few questions asked. Yes he does have a history of acting like this when things have not gone his way. For various reasons but mainly about the people in my life. He has left me twice in the last 14 years the longest being for 4 years. We did keep in contact during this time even though he had moved to another country. He then came back after the 4 years. It was during this time he was away that my son met his fiance and I started having the little girl over to stay with me on a few weekends. I did not see why this should stop when he came back. In fact when he came back he said I should continue having her. It was only after he was here a few times with her and saw when she misbehaved that he started taking a dislike to her. To answer Avalon and exdancer - I totally agree a compromise would probably be the answer but he won't. He doesn't do compromises. When she comes it's normally late on a Friday and I take her home early on a Sunday. So 2 nights and 1 full day. To answer the question of how he is towards me when she is here - he practically ignores me, gives short answers and is sometimes very dismissive. He ignores her totally. Mumbles a hello and doesn't engage with her at all. I see she looks at him very warily. The thing is I have another gd who is my biological gd. She is 2. He likes her but what happens when she goes through the tantrum stage and other stages. Am I then also not allowed to have her here? At the moment it's been a week he has been sleeping in the spare room. What hurts the most is the total disgust amd distain he is showing towards me. Like I am something at the bottom of his shoe. He is impossible to try reason with so I can't even approach him to discuss a compromise.

foxie48 Sun 03-Jul-22 08:42:06

He's just not a very nice person, is he? Life is full of ups and downs and a good relationship helps people through the difficult times, they certainly don't try to make them even more difficult! I think you know what you should do and your last sentence says it all really
"He is impossible to try reason with so I can't even approach him to discuss a compromise."
Why on earth would you want to continue a relationship with someone who is basically a bully?

Luckygirl3 Sun 03-Jul-22 08:48:03

What made you have him back? - finances? loneliness? grand passion? He doesn't sound like a great catch!