Gransnet forums


Husband upsets wife because of half brother

(19 Posts)
MeowWow Tue 05-Jul-22 11:44:45

My DS (same mother different father than me) and her DH have been married for 46 years. About two years ago she found out she had a brother and they are now in contact with each other. I’m very happy for her, however, her DH isn’t and whenever she meets up with her brother for coffee and a chat, he gives her the cold shoulder and makes snide comments which upset her. He knows he upsets her but can’t stop himself and says he doesn’t know why he does it. They have discussed it in depth and he’s even met the brother but other than that, wants nothing to do with him. My BiL, since retiring, does everything for my DS and dotes on her and they have a wonderful marriage until it comes to her half brother. He just won’t accept him and it’s causing lots grief for my DS. It upsets me to see my DS so upset. She’s always felt she didn’t belong anywhere because she looked so different from the rest of her family. Now she has a brother who looks like her and it’s made a big difference in her life. Her DH just can’t see that though. Should my DS stop seeing her half brother just to please her DH? I just don’t know how I can help my DS and talking it over with her DH is out of the question.

Smileless2012 Tue 05-Jul-22 11:52:38

No, she shouldn't stop seeing him. She needs to try and not show any outward reaction to her H's snide comments and cold shoulder treatment.

You say he dotes on your sister yet persists in behaving in a way he knows upsets her which is very strange. After 46 years of marriage it's unlikely that he would feel threatened by her half brother so maybe it's a control issue.

Whatever the reason, it's childish and your sister shouldn't allow it to spoil this new found relationship.

ExDancer Tue 05-Jul-22 11:59:34

Oh dear I get so confused with these DSs and such. At first I thought DS meant 'dear son' - does gransnet insist on these abbreviations or are we allowed to actually just write 'my sister' or 'my son'? But I digress.

Your sister is obviously delighted to find a sibling related to the other side of her family and sounds as though she's been a little too enthusiastic over this. Could she be persuaded to stop all mention of him in her husband's hearing?
Is she making special trips out to meet up for these 'coffee and a chat' in a cafe or his home? She has obviously made husband very jealous somehow so she really must try to dampen down her obvious joy. She probably goes on and on about what her new brother says and thinks, its like being in love. No wonder he's jealous and frightened. He feels insecure.
Poor husband, he's really had his nose put out of joint, I feel for him.

NotSpaghetti Tue 05-Jul-22 12:22:23

I think he can see that this relationship offers something he can never provide. He is sad and probably a bit jealous that this person gives your sister a sense of who she is and of family that he can't.

Not jealous of the man ... but feels his role as the main support (and one of her closest family) is somehow diminished. This is hard to bear I think after so many years.

If it was my brother-in-law I would be inclined to be ultra positive about all the things he does for your sister. I would try to talk to him about it.
You clearly love him for loving your sister the way he expresses this and looks after her. You are in alignment about this and it may be a nice thing to acknowledge anyway.

Maybe put this idea (of being usurped) to your sister. It may come home to him from her.

Sometimes we don't tell people what we love and value in them 'till too late.
Now may be the time.

I do hope this is resolved for all of you. flowers

Ladyleftfieldlover Tue 05-Jul-22 12:34:37

Just to say, the only abbreviation I use is OH - other half. I don’t use all the DWSD2 or whatever! Back to the original poster - if her sister wants to see her newly discovered brother, so be it. Her husband is being a twit.

TwiceAsNice Tue 05-Jul-22 12:53:12

You say he does everything for her. That would be a red flag for me it’s often a form of controlling another’s behaviour . If he loved her as much as you say he would be really happy something so positive has happened to her.If it’s only been the two of them he’s never had any kind of “rival” before. Being jealous is a very negative emotion.

wildswan16 Tue 05-Jul-22 12:56:31

It sounds as if your sister is her husband's entire life. He has built his life around her, and now there is an intruder who has crept in. He just can't change his mindset that he is all she needs or wants.

It is very selfish of him, but he does seem to acknowledge the problem which is good. Of course she must not lose contact with her new found brother.

It is up your sister to find a way of coping with this. It might mean some straight talking to her husband - if he loves her then he should be happy for her.

Shandy57 Tue 05-Jul-22 13:05:47

I think the question here is, who looked for who? Did your sister instigate the search?

Redhead56 Tue 05-Jul-22 14:04:30

You sister has had a supportive husband. He obviously feels his nose has been pushed out because of the new kid on the block.
Your sister needs to tell her husband he is being unreasonable and it's upsetting her. Her husband needs to know this and be reassured he is still her number one. It's all rather immature and needs this adult discussion.

Baggs Tue 05-Jul-22 16:11:12

He knows he upsets her but can’t stop himself

He can stop himself behaving badly. He may not be able to change how he feels but he can change how he behaves towards his wife.

Saying he can't is just a cop-out. Someone needs to tell his this.

BlueBelle Tue 05-Jul-22 16:48:12

Well that’s me up the shoot I was reading it as ‘dear son’ halfway down I realised you’re talking about a sister
I really can’t be bothered with all the Darling /dear business why can’t people just write about the person DS could be sister son or sausage

Right back to the problem you say she has a wonderful husband and marriage but she doesn’t does she ? because she has a childishly jealous husband who ‘ can’t help’ upsetting her

She needs to keep seeing her brother as often as she and him want and she needs to not say a word to her husband he doesn’t deserve any conversation or knowledge of when she meets up with her brother It will be much more comfortable for her and her brother if they meet away from the house have lunch together or a coffee or a walk in the park and leave Mr Perfect Husband at home
Makes me cross

sodapop Tue 05-Jul-22 16:54:00

Spot on BlueBelle I agree with all the comments in your post.

MerylStreep Tue 05-Jul-22 16:56:29

Gave up reading. Too complicated for this little brain.

Hithere Tue 05-Jul-22 17:19:49


I bet there's more to the story than you know

Not your circus not your monkeys

HeavenLeigh Tue 05-Jul-22 19:53:49

Oh dear I had to give up reading a third of the way as I was getting in a right muddle, I also was thinking it was dear son, must learn to concentrate

BlueBelle Tue 05-Jul-22 20:13:10

No heavenleigh, people need to write ‘proper’

MeowWow Tue 05-Jul-22 20:33:11

Thank you to everyone who knew who I was writing about and for your valuable input.

Sorry for confusing some people. I will know not to use acronyms if I post again and I will make sure I write properly.

Smileless2012 Tue 05-Jul-22 20:38:19

The acronyms you used are very common here on GN and IMO it was quite obvious you were writing about your sister as you put "my DS ........ and her DH". Not sure why some were confusedconfused.

H1954 Tue 05-Jul-22 20:52:26

"My BiL, since retiring, does everything for my DS and dotes on her and they have a wonderful marriage until it comes to her half brother. He just won’t accept him and it’s causing lots grief for my DS. It upsets me to see my DS so upset. "

Not so much doting on, more controlling! It seems to me that your BIL resents your sisters relationship with her newly discovered brother and is set on destroying their relationship. How sad, does the BIL not realise that he cannot change your sisters past even thought she didn't know so much about it herself until recently.

Spoilt, self centred, small minded, jealous b****r who wants his wife all to himself! Been in a similar situation myself, relationships with controlling men do not end well.