Splitting after 34 years - my decision but not celebrating

I think you are very sensible. Perhaps in time youll be ready for a party, but for now you are grieving the life you thought youd have. You are supporting your children through this change (and hopefully they you).

I think an amicable ending where people can be on good terms is best - I don't see how a party (physical or other wise) would help that

It's not easy mrsnonsmoker but the peace and comfort of being able to close your own front door is worth a lot of the heartache. Of course there will be good and bad times, I speak from experience but that's life.
Like summerlove I think an amicable parting is best, no recriminations just get on with your new life. I wish you and your husband well now you have reached this decision.

I think 60 is quite young and you have years ahead of you to enjoy. Of course it's painful and difficult but you've not done this lightly, just do your best to keep things as friendly as you can. I stayed in my first marriage far too long and although my ex husband made life very difficult for me, all I felt was relief!

It’s not something I’ve personally experienced but two of my friends aged around 60 have split up over the last two years (think the pandemic brought things to a head). Neither of them have rejoiced in their new position in life, it’s a very bittersweet time for them, with some happy memories and lots of what-might-have-beens but neither of them regret it and both feel a new inner calm.

I hope you find that calm, too, MrsNonsmoker. X

I'm now 70 and oh how I wish I had done it at 60... now it's all too late for a lot of reasons. I agree it's not time for celebration it's a sad sad time, you imagined and hoped you would grow old together but sometimes it's just not to be. Great respect to you for going ahead, you have obviously made a very hard decision. Very best wishes for the future.

I think the way you feel is completely valid, you have a new life to carve for yourself.

I hope you find all the happiness in time

I applaud your candid post. I am in a happy marriage, but know that it can take a lot of courage to finally admit and act upon wanting to end a bad relationship. Good on you that you came to the decision, and that you have the support of your family.

Good luck for the near future; figuring out your path in the months to come. I hope you find happiness in your decision.

Ask your friends to respect the way you actually feel, not the way they think you should feel.

Best wishes for the future

You are very brave and I wish you both well as you go your separate ways.??

Good luck with your new arrangements, mrsnonsmoker,

I understand why you have mixed feelings about this, 34 years is a long time, but though there will be regrets you want and need to make this change,. You are doing something which can’t be easy so a party might be strange and unnecessary. Do what suits you. Do nothing if that suits you, it’s your call, and
I wish you both well.

I think your friends probably think this is your happy ending.

I had the same issue when I estranged my mother. My friends were jubilant. This was the happy ending, they didn't have to watch me go through any more sadness, no more crying not understanding why the latest visit with my mother had gone so badly and why she would say those things to me.

But relationships need grieving, not for what we had but for all the things we needed them to be.

Relationships that are unhappy change us and we need time and space to find our true selves again.

If there is a friend who can listen and understand, talk it through, explain.

If you have healing to do, if just leaving isn't enough, go to the doctor and get some support, some talk therapy or counselling.

This is your time now, there will always be people who understand what you are going through, find them, here or elsewhere and talk it out of yourself.

You are strong and you will be OK in time but there is nothing wrong with taking that time at your own pace

I think you have a very balanced view. Nothing is every really cut and dried where human emotions are involved and you are allowed to grieve for the loss of a relationship you hoped for when you walked up the aisle.

At 60, you can expect to have a good number of years left ahead of you. I know from experience that the end of a long marriage, no matter how unhappy, changes you. I divorced my errant husband 5 years ago after a 28-year marriage, and I’ve spent a lot of this time getting to know myself again, discovering new interests, and getting used to being on my own again. My advice to you is to take one day at a time. Some days will be difficult, others less so. Five years down the line, I’m now much happier - and stronger - than I was. All the best.

I left my ex, after 30 years. It was difficult, to begin with, as I only took my personal stuff, and left the rest, but I persevered, and it was one of the best things I've ever done.

There was no abuse, it had just reached the end of its shelf life.

When I left, I dropped a note to friends and family, explaining it was my decision, I wasn't going to discuss it much, didn't need opinions, and they were fine with it.

I did have one close friend who I did talk about it with though.

Only two people know what's gone on in a marriage, and the opinions of others don't really help with the initial stress of leaving.

Nearly 20 years on, I've remarried and never been happier.

Good luck.?

Your OP is very moving and heart felt mrsnonsmoker and I simply wanted to say that do this takes courage and I admire you for yours and wish you peace and happiness in your new life .

Only you know how your marriage feels, I think it’s better to be on your own than together with the wrong person. Good luck to you. You can remain friendly, but free.

Just wanted to come back and thank everyone, what beautiful messages and kind posts - I'm really touched how you all "got" it.

H is still desperate to reconcile which is impossible; I'm reading about how you can still feel responsible for that person and their happiness, and I certainly do. I'm very worried about him - I told him I can't sacrifice the rest of my life and he replied "but you're willing to sacrifice mine". Well, not sure why I expected anything else. We've been fortunate to get into Relate straight away they are doing a sort of "break up support" programme for us, 6 hours face to face its been very helpful so far, in fact I'm not sure I could have coped without it!

I have sent a PM

That's good news, mrsn-s.
I hope Relate can help your H to see that he needs to be responsible for himself instead of making demands on you.
You are making great progress, well done!

mrsnonsmoker, that sounds very positive. Thank you so much for updating us. I hope Relate goes well.

I ended my marriage after 23 years - I'm 55. I had been unhappy for many many years, I'd tried to go a few times but each time he would cry and ask me to stay for companionship. We hadn't slept together for around 15 years, quite literally - he slept on the sofa.

We were living essentially separate lives, and making each other miserable.

I am with a man 10 years younger than me who makes me really happy, we are living together and getting married next year.

I did feel guilty about leaving H at first, but when I started telling my friends they were very supportive and said I shouyld have done it sooner...

Anyway, my point is, hard as this will be, and it will be you've been together a long time. Life is too short, and you need to do what is right for you now, you'll only regret it if you don't.

I hope relate goes well and you can move forward.

I was nearly 60. I think what you say about the selfish thing that your ex said,
It sounds as if you have done the right thing
Some people find it helpful to write down what happened, doesn't have to be all at once and any time you wobble, did I do the right thing, could it have ended differently, read it
I ain't know what is possible for you being a carer for your daughter, I didn't have a party, not my thing. Just tried to get on with a peaceful life and if anyone had a party I could go and not worry about how he would have behaved. I did individual counseling and which I would personally recommend. Do the nhs health check if you've not done one recently and see if there is anything there that needs addressing. I don't know if it might be possible for you but I tried to do new things, it might have only been once but I did different things is not have been able to with him. Your path forward will no doubt be different but it is lovely to be able to close your front door and only worry about the 2 of you. And eventually you do get beyond mourning what was and what might have been and start enjoying the now. Can't say when it will come but it will do.