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Family unforging

(94 Posts)
JPB123 Sun 14-Aug-22 11:36:39

My 75 yr old brother has admitted his behaviour was shameful
one evening ,whilst away to stay with daughter and her hubby and children.He was morose,drank too much and said the c word. His wife and his daughter will not let it go ,although he has sincerely apologised and had apologised at the time.He has now written to them and again apologised for his unsociable bebavior….but to no avail.His daughter has now said she has cut her father out of her life.previously they were very close.Why does no one forgive?

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 14-Aug-22 11:39:06

Poor chap, what a terrible over reaction.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 14-Aug-22 11:40:01

PS. Are you sure that that was all that happened? Have you spoken to your Niece?

henetha Sun 14-Aug-22 11:44:45

How strange. I don't like the c word, but it's hardly the end of the world, nor should it be the end of any relationship. Especially as he seems genuinely sorry. There might be more to it than appears.

NotSpaghetti Sun 14-Aug-22 11:52:05

This - he was morose,drank too much and said the c word sounds very thin for the reaction generated.
There is more to it, as others have said.

You weren't there. I think you have a particular view because maybe the info is not complete.

You ask "why does no one forgive?" - maybe you should ask "what has happened" to make forgiveness so very difficult/impossible for several people including his wife?

Forlornhope Sun 14-Aug-22 12:03:24

Lots of us behave badly from time to time for whatever reason. As he has apologised I think the family should gently find out why he behaved like that….always more going on in people’s lives than we know about.

VioletSky Sun 14-Aug-22 12:11:18

I too think there is more to this and you should keep an open mind.

People do forgive but often not until certain behaviours change and they feel safe it won't happen again

sodapop Sun 14-Aug-22 12:46:19

I agree Folornhope seems like an over reaction otherwise.

BlueBelle Sun 14-Aug-22 12:48:04

Big old overreaction there the c word whilst nasty is not the end of the world or the reason to forgo a loving father daughter relationships
Very weird

Elizabeth27 Sun 14-Aug-22 12:51:33

If they cannot forgive something so trivial they cannot have liked him much anyway.

M0nica Sun 14-Aug-22 13:38:55

Like others, I cannot believe that this was all. It may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, and/or you have only heard a much redacted version of what happened.

Lathyrus Sun 14-Aug-22 13:44:42

Obviously they can’t be sure it won’t happen again.

Drunk and abusive whilst visiting grandchildren? He has a drink problem that needs to be addressed.

Witzend Sun 14-Aug-22 13:56:53

If forgiving meant just that, yes, but if it meant inviting him again, probably not. I wouldn’t be inviting again any grown man - or woman, come to that - who can’t hold their drink and would forget him/herself so far as to use the C word in front of children.
I’m no prude - I swear myself, quite a lot sometimes - but there are limits.

NotSpaghetti Sun 14-Aug-22 14:27:17

I do not think this is really about a one-off C word. It speaks to something else I'm afraid.
Have you had a conversation with your sister-in-law or your neice?

Doodledog Sun 14-Aug-22 14:32:55

I agree with the consensus- there is another side to this story that you haven’t heard.

Sara1954 Sun 14-Aug-22 15:42:25

I have never heard my husband use the C-word, and if I did I’d be pretty astonished and wouldn’t like it.

If he was drunk and used it in front of my grandchildren, I think my daughters would be pretty disgusted with him.

I don’t think they would estrange him, so I agree something else is going on, but definitely pretty bad behaviour.

Maybe an overreaction, but I don’t think a daughter would feel comfortable hearing her dad use that word, best to give her a bit of time.

Fleurpepper Sun 14-Aug-22 15:46:22

A great friend fell out with her dad (and for very good reasons, which I won't mention here) at the beginning of the year and has not talked to him since.

2 weeks ago she got the call- he had died suddenly and totally unexpectedly. She is distrought because she didn't make it up with him and will never be able to do so now.

62Granny Sun 14-Aug-22 16:01:05

Surely this is also about the context he used it in? If he called his wife or daughter this word and used aggressively it can hurt and TBH I am not surprised they are not letting it go. The fact that he was drunk does not excuse his action as to me that means the alcohol just loosened the tongue and he was obviously thinking it to start. How he goes about correcting this is another matter perhaps family counselling . I would try and find out the whole story before being sympathetic to him.

Hithere Sun 14-Aug-22 16:06:52

There is more to the story, for sure

Forgive does not equal forget and go back to where it was before.

You can forgive somebody and still remember what they did and choose not to associate with them due to their actions.

Forgive does not erase the damage and hurt

JPB123 Sun 14-Aug-22 20:34:56

Thank you for your replies….I have spoken to my sis in law who tells the same version as my brother..but she states that it is unforgivable and that he will have to do a lot to put it right..But what else can he do? Sackcloth and ashes?

M0nica Sun 14-Aug-22 20:37:42

Seems the problem lies with your sister in law. Why is she overreacting so much. people do not always say when the problem runs deep.

VioletSky Sun 14-Aug-22 20:38:49

I certainly wouldn't easily forgive anyone who called me the c word in drunken anger

Your brother has work to do and he should do it. They deserve better

Sara1954 Sun 14-Aug-22 21:00:14

I agree Violetsky, I’m not sure I’d find it easy to forgive.
If my husband used that word in front of my grandchildren, I don’t think I would ever be able to get past it.
Overreaction on my part? Possibly, but I would never expect to hear it from any member of my family.

VioletSky Sun 14-Aug-22 21:05:04

I'm sure it can be forgiven but treating it as minor incident won't achieve that

People forgive when others take responsibility for their actions and change that behaviour

Sara1954 Sun 14-Aug-22 21:19:58

I guess we don’t know all of the details, reading it again, it seems that the grandchildren probably weren’t present.
If that’s so, I would still be very upset with him, but maybe not enough to cut him out of my life.
I think it would be very unpleasant and embarrassing to hear your dad use that word, and I do have sympathy for his daughter.