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Feel mean and awful posting this but know there isn't an answer

(42 Posts)
mrsgreenfingers56 Thu 18-Aug-22 12:26:42

Hello everyone, I have posted on here before about my mother's dementia being Vascular and Alzheimer's. It is obviously very hard looking after her although she is still in her own home and myself and family doing our very best as she has a fear of going into a care home.

Mum was always a very quiet lady and hated any noise, believe you me myself and siblings must have been the quietest children ever!

The problem is mum's next door neighbour died and it was obvious whoever was buying the house was very disabled as ramps went in, hand rails and a wet room. A physically and mentally disabled lady moved in and carers come and go all day. This poor lady cries and shouts and squeals out all day long and it is really bad. With the weather having been so warm the windows are open at times and it has been worse with the noise. My mum gets so worked up about it and won't sit in the garden now and I just don't know what to do and don't think I can do anything. I feel awful even posting this and my heart goes out to this poor soul, it really does.
Is this called Care in the Community?
Has anyone else had to deal with a problem? It is so stressful looking after mum and she is extra stressed now due to the noise. The carers who come and go just say hello and that is it and really at the end of the day not my business what the set up is.
I doubt we would be able to sell mum's house if she did pass away due to this wailing. Every time I go it gets to me straight away and sounds so morbid and upsetting.
Thanks for listening and I feel really bad posting this, I honestly do and know there isn't an answer.
What do you all think? Any ideas for me and mum to handle this better would be much appreciated. Thanks so much.

welbeck Thu 18-Aug-22 12:35:48

what about some ambient pleasant sound.
type of music she likes, or a talk show on radio, tv.

MissAdventure Thu 18-Aug-22 12:39:39

I can absolutely understand your dilemma.
I used to work in a house in a residential area, with 4 adult men who were noisy, very challenging, and would have driven me away had I lived next door to them.

Could you phone your local council and ask for some advice?
Age concern, too, are very good (perhaps better in the first instance, for advice)

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Aug-22 12:43:30

Is Mum able to use ear buds or headphones to listen to something nice?
Do you know who owns the house next door? It’s unlikely to be the lady if she has such serious mental problems. If it’s the local authority or a housing association for instance you could approach them.
You have my sympathy.

HousePlantQueen Thu 18-Aug-22 13:08:38

I have no suggestions but offer my sympathy. It does seem strange though, buying a house, spending thousands adapting it and then leaving some poor soul stuck in there day and night with only carers. I would have thought a flat would be better, although I appreciate this is only my musings and does not help you.

MissAdventure Thu 18-Aug-22 13:10:34

It really is the idea of helping marginalised people to connect and be part of the community, rather than closed away from others.

I don't know what the answer is.

travelsafar Thu 18-Aug-22 13:11:38

Just a thought, if the poor girl is that bad should she really be in a house alone until the carers arrive? Or are there other family members there with her? Care in the Community has thrown up so many issues, lack of care workers which leads to bed blocking in the hospitals which in turns causes issues with the ambulance service. Loneliness is another issue. Instead of being in a care or residential home with other people and staff around, bed bound and immobile people are confined in their property very often alone with minimal care. Change is not always for the better. sad So stressful for you.

Curlywhirly Thu 18-Aug-22 13:20:22

Has the neighbour any relatives that visit- if so, you could let them know how distressed this lady is. If she doesn't have visitors, perhaps have a word with the carers and ask them to let their company/manager know how distressed this lady is between visits from the carers and if they have contact with a family member could they let them know. Somebody must be acting for this lady, it's unlikely that she arranged for all the changes to the house by herself.

Smudgie Thu 18-Aug-22 13:30:39

Can totally understand your dilemma, I worked in a hospital unit for mentally disabled patients and found the noise levels very stressful, but I could go home at the end of the day whereas your poor mum is living with it. I think GSM is right in saying that you should contact the Local Authority, Housing Assoc or Social Services. Of course we would all feel terrible doing this but your Mum's mental health and well-being is very important too and she should be allowed to live peacefully in her own home. Noise cancelling headphones are an idea but would your Mum accept having to wear them? I hope you can find a solution.

BlueBelle Thu 18-Aug-22 13:37:36

Get your mum some ear defenders like some autistic children often wear she will hopefully find that mutes it all down a lot check them out on Amazon or some other www
You probably won’t get anywhere with the local authority as they ve set this lady up they re not going to easily move her again and where to ?
I can really feel for your mum my dad in his latter years had a next door dog which barked constantly all day it nearly drove him scatty
Good luck

Smudgie Thu 18-Aug-22 13:50:56

You are right BlueBelle but I found that some elderly patients just couldn't tolerate anything put on their head and would yank them off ! This made them even more distressed but it's definitely worth a try.

M0nica Thu 18-Aug-22 15:46:48

If someone is severely disabled as this neighbour sounds, it is possible that it was the result of an accident of some kind and she will have received a large compensation package.

I write this because someone I knew many years ago had a child left mentally and physically disabled after very poor care in pregnancy and during the birth. The child, now an adult, received a very large settlement and those who managed her funds bought a bungalow and massively adapted it for her and she has carers with her 24/7. her care is not funded or arranged by the state, local or national.

I write about this, not because it is any use to the OP but may answer some of the questions other posters have asked about the neighbour.

MissAdventure Thu 18-Aug-22 16:03:04

It might help a little bit to know that somebody making what sounds like cries and screams may be this person making their version of contented noises.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Aug-22 17:43:06

If I had to live next door to them that wouldn't help me at all I'm afraid. Surely someone like this shouldn't be living in the community, but in a home?

MissAdventure Thu 18-Aug-22 17:51:21

It's only fair to try these things out, rather than dismiss them out of hand.

Some people do marvelously well, others, not so much.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Aug-22 18:20:45

This lady seems to be in the 'not so much' category, at least as far as her neighbour is concerned. It really isn't acceptable to place someone with these problems in a residential area, is it?

mrsgreenfingers56 Thu 18-Aug-22 18:44:59

It had gone through my mind as well that this poor lady was like that due to an accident and bought the house with compensation money. I have also thought a bit unfair on the neighbours to be in a quiet neighbourhood and the thought of a home has come to my mind as well. The carers I get the impression (only my impression) is to say hello and not engage in conversation at all. I would really not like to think that the carers etc think we are being unkind to this lady because truly we are not. I very much doubt mum would agree to ear defenders to be honest.
The carers have a uniform on and I have never seen private people or visitors go apart from the carers.
This is such a sad situation all round.

V3ra Thu 18-Aug-22 18:49:52


It might help a little bit to know that somebody making what sounds like cries and screams may be this person making their version of contented noises.

I used to childmind a disabled 12 year old girl and she would be very noisy, with excitement, when playing with the other children in my garden.
A nearby neighbour obviously couldn't understand or accept this and used to shout across the fence about the screaming.
He never came and spoke to me about her though, and I wasn't about to shout back across the fence to him ?

That doesn't help your poor mum though mrsgreenfingers56 and I feel so sorry for the stress this is causing her and you.
I think your only option is to approach the carers or the lady's family and try to have a discussion about how this is affecting your mum's well-being, and see if there can be some sort of compromise.

sodapop Thu 18-Aug-22 19:01:00

I agree with V3ra if you could talk to the lady's carers and explain the situation a little mrsgreenfingers maybe some sort of compromise could be reached. You may be better to speak to whoever employs the carers on the lady's behalf whether it be family or Social Care Services. A better solution perhaps than 'putting her in a home '.

Sparklefizz Thu 18-Aug-22 19:02:42

mrsgreenfingers I am so sorry to read about your dilemma.
Would sound proofing your Mum's place help?

Serendipity22 Thu 18-Aug-22 19:11:43

I was also going to suggest headphones but you say your mum wouldnt wear them.

Reading your thread it did stand out to me why is this poor lady living alone, crying out throughout the day is an obvious alarm that she shouldn't be alone, I do not know who to contact but if I were you, I most certainly would do my homework in order to contact someone.

Huge hug to you and your mum xx

BlueBelle Thu 18-Aug-22 19:40:33

Her crying might not be distress though serendipity it may be her form of singing/ talking to herself or anything else

I too think you need to talk to the carers and learn more about her and her situation

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 18-Aug-22 19:40:56

It’s pointless speaking to the carers. You need to find out who owns this house - probably the local authority - and speak to them. Your mother shouldn’t have to put up with this.

Serendipity22 Thu 18-Aug-22 20:21:52


Her crying might not be distress though serendipity it may be her form of singing/ talking to herself or anything else

I too think you need to talk to the carers and learn more about her and her situation

Yes true.

mrsgreenfingers56 Thu 18-Aug-22 20:30:09

The carers do sleep there but as I said previously they will say hello if I say Hello/Good Morning but never get into a conversation.
All this has been worse because of the good weather and mum being outside sitting in the shade and the bungalows are detached but that just shows how bad it is. Maybe I need to try and speak to one of the carers but would have to be so tactful. It reminds me of Rochester's wife in Jane Eyre.