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At a cross roads in relationship

(55 Posts)
Mattsmum2 Fri 23-Sep-22 17:59:45

I’m at a place where I don’t know where to turn. Ive been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. Before that I’ve been married 3 times. First one for 20years, 2 children. 2nd only 6 months and the last one 3 years. Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me and I’ve no reason to think otherwise.
We met on a dating site and hit it off straight away, emotionally and physically. He has no children. We’ve tried living together the most recent in 2019 when we renovated a house together (he owns the house and charged me rent!) over 200 miles from my family by the sea. I loved it but when covid hit my son was forced to come and stay with us through no fault of his own. This is when the problems started, my sons not the most tidy person, but he’s polite and would do anything I asked to help. One day my son did some cooking and my partner thought he had left a mess in the kitchen, in fact it was me, he went ballistic, accused my son of treating the house like a hotel and made it clear he didn’t want us around. My son was so frightened he called the police, which inflamed things more. We left the same day and I moved my son to his grandparents house. I went back a few days later. He was full of remorse and to cut a long story I decided that I couldn’t live with him, rented somewhere closer to my family and carried on seeing him, visits for weekends, family occasions and such like. There’s been a few instances where he throws back the past few years back in my face, in that the dream we were to have has gone sour, but I thought we were happy. He’s been unwell over the past few weeks with a chest infection, I’ve seen him a few times, me going to him and he to me. I now live with my son and daughter in law. They’re on holiday and my partner has not been very communicative over the past week or so. We normally speak daily but it’s not been like that, he says he’s tired, been gardening, walking our dog. I always ask how he is, recently he hasn’t asked how I am and even ignored messages. He doesn’t work. I work full time. I messaged yesterday to say I was lonely, he said ‘why?’ I said can we talk when I get home, he said yes call him when I get home. I’m thinking he wants to find out why I felt lonely. Well the call started off well. Then he accused me of being selfish, putting my family ahead of him, ruining our plans, that I had everything, he has nothing, threw everything from our past plans back at me. Told me I’d ruined his day after he was feeling better and told me I pissed him off. and he hung up. I really am not a selfish person. I’m a giver and make things special for him, buying him lovely gifts, taking him to events, sending him random cards and gifts and surprises. He never does that to me but I’ve got used to giving him a list and I get what I want.
I really don’t think unless he can put the past behind him that we will have a future. I don’t think he will ever accept the person I am and how to have a good relationship.
I really have shed too many tears over this and I’m tired, is it time for a break?
I had already planned to visit next Thursday for the weekend and I messaged to say I wanted to talk then and if he wants to talk before then message me. We used to speak every day, but that now seems impossible for him.
I have for sometime thought he has a personality disorder or autism. He’s very OCD at times.

Very confused, sorry for the long post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shinamae Fri 23-Sep-22 18:05:42

The thing is we’re all different and some will put up with more than others. Personally I would be gone… I wouldn’t let anybody treat me like that

Urmstongran Fri 23-Sep-22 18:06:14

Oh bless you. I have just read your post and you sound so sad, worn out and mixed up. I’m making dinner right now. I’ll have a think and get back to you later.

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:08:44

You know it isn’t you - it’s him.

Walk away.

Mattsmum2 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:11:01

Urmstongran

Oh bless you. I have just read your post and you sound so sad, worn out and mixed up. I’m making dinner right now. I’ll have a think and get back to you later.

Thank you x

J52 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:14:06

Why are you giving this man head space? He sounds self centred and a bully.
You’ve escaped, remain free.

Urmstongran Fri 23-Sep-22 18:18:57

I’ve just put the potatoes on to boil Mattsmum.
In the interim can I ask - is he retired? You just say ‘he doesn’t work’.

VioletSky Fri 23-Sep-22 18:19:37

I'm sorry but this man is abusive and you need to walk away.

Please get some counselling so you stop trying to fix such broken people with love they don't return

Kalu Fri 23-Sep-22 18:21:47

Run for the hills. This is not the behaviour of one who loves you, it’s controlling and nasty.

Mattsmum2 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:34:37

Urmstongran

I’ve just put the potatoes on to boil Mattsmum.
In the interim can I ask - is he retired? You just say ‘he doesn’t work’.

He gave up work 7 years ago aged 52. He has independent earnings. I encouraged him to stop as it was making him ill.

Wyllow3 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:37:49

Hi Mattsmum2

From what you say, you are being abused, and its possible tho not certain its narcissistic abuse
www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle/

Patterns of initial "love bombing" then manipulation then aggression on a trigger - then reeling you back in..after the intensity at the beginning then loneliness is natural.

I cannot say this is true for you of course but suggest strongly you read up on it and telephone helplines for domestic coercive abuse.

It's often described as happening to people who are empathic.

Some sources recommend going Low contact, some, no contact.

Love: best wishes.

aggie Fri 23-Sep-22 18:41:47

Why do you want to relate to someone who tramps all over you ?
No confusion , he’s blaming you for everything , from Covid to the sun not shining ! Lose his number , forget him !

Juggernaut Fri 23-Sep-22 18:42:09

Run, and don't ever look back!
You're worth more than this, you know you are!
Good luck! X

SunshineSally Fri 23-Sep-22 18:45:09

Hi Mattsmum
You say you’ve been in this relationship for 8 years. Reading through your post it doesn’t sound that your partner wants to include your children in his relationship with you and that he wants you all to himself.
I think you already know this deep down - the question is would you choose him over your children? In a loving relationship a man (or woman) should accept and want a relationship that includes that person’s children (and grandchildren). It doesn’t sound that he wants to and my personal view is that he’s not going to change his stance.
If it were me, I’d end the relationship - but you must do what feels right for you as we can only comment on the information you have given. I wish you well 💐

Madgran77 Fri 23-Sep-22 18:47:54

I'm sorry but he does not sound like someone who is bringing you happiness at all. I think his behaviour and accusations are abusive. I think you need help and counselling in order to see the wood for the trees and deciide what YOU want to do, regardless of his tantrums. flowers

JaneJudge Fri 23-Sep-22 18:50:36

I would run as fast as you can. Seek some counselling and talk it through honestly but the way he behaves doesn't sound right at all, especially as he is only 59.

TwiceAsNice Fri 23-Sep-22 18:53:15

He’s selfish aggressive and expects you to put him before your child.

That’s enough before we analyse all the other bad stuff you’ve mentioned . Walk away and don’t look back. I also think it would be good for you to access some counselling to help you

Cheeseplantmad Fri 23-Sep-22 19:12:06

This reminds me of the saying
“ The more you do the less your thought of “ ,

You are far too soft for this hard man .

Don’t pamper to his needs as he’s certainly not pampering to your needs is he .

He sounds a very selfish man . Cut all ties with him and enjoy your life with your friends & family .

Don’t put up with this just to fill the space of loneliness as making a life with this obnoxious man is much worse than being on your own .

Give yourself time to be on your own and learn to love yourself , there is a whole world out there that could bring you much more happiness .

GagaJo Fri 23-Sep-22 19:15:29

I think you need to be honest with him, and tell him that his personal situation is the result of his own actions.

The rent.
Being aggressive to your son.
Not accepting your family.
Not being thoughtful to you, in the way you are to him.
That HE is the reason the plans you both had failed. He forced you to leave and that you're not making that mistake again.

I'm skating on thin ice here, but I honestly think it is a bit of a generational thing. Some older men think women are so desperate to have a relationship that they can act like cavemen.

But times have changed.

icanhandthemback Fri 23-Sep-22 19:17:07

Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me...

Do you think this is why you hold on to this man even though he has actually been quite abusive about your children? We all have aspects in a relationship that worry us and it can mean we overlook things that we shouldn't because of the these things. For example, a woman who has bean hit in previous relationships might overlook the fact a man doesn't pay his way in a relationship because at least he doesn't hit her.
I think that maybe you need to look at what you want out of a relationship and then check how many of the good things you get from that. Then look at what you don't want in a relationship and see how many of those things you are getting. I'd put money on it that you will have your answer at the end of it.
To be frank, somebody who didn't expect me to put my kids very high on my list of priorities would be a no-no especially if they had been abusive to them when they were around.

Wyllow3 Fri 23-Sep-22 19:35:09

If he is as I mentioned above, he won't be capable of a proper discussion, because ultimately you'll get trapped in a web of manipulation, half truths, him begging or crying alternating with aggression, because

it's possible he is incapable of enough self awareness to take responsibility for his actions, and therefore has to blame others habitually.

look back about how he's presented past situations he's been involved in. Has he lied/fantasised/embroidered situations?

Whats hard is that if what I suggest is possible, there would have been a time when you were adored, on a pedestal, felt on top of the world, you were the only one etc etc.
No surprise to hang in there hoping it might come back - sometimes for a long time. Until there is a trigger.

Mattsmum2 Fri 23-Sep-22 19:35:22

icanhandthemback

^Every man I’ve had a long term relationship with has cheated on me. Only regretting their actions years later. I’ve been told I’m easy going, very giving and friendly. My current partner I know would be totally faithful to me...^

Do you think this is why you hold on to this man even though he has actually been quite abusive about your children? We all have aspects in a relationship that worry us and it can mean we overlook things that we shouldn't because of the these things. For example, a woman who has bean hit in previous relationships might overlook the fact a man doesn't pay his way in a relationship because at least he doesn't hit her.
I think that maybe you need to look at what you want out of a relationship and then check how many of the good things you get from that. Then look at what you don't want in a relationship and see how many of those things you are getting. I'd put money on it that you will have your answer at the end of it.
To be frank, somebody who didn't expect me to put my kids very high on my list of priorities would be a no-no especially if they had been abusive to them when they were around.

You may have a point here.

BlushingSheep Fri 23-Sep-22 19:36:59

You deserve more than this.
I can't help feeling that being single would be better.
Are you planning to get a place of your own, or is your current living situation a long-term thing? (Not relevant, just being nosy!)

Mapleleaf Fri 23-Sep-22 19:38:54

He isn’t the right person for you - he sounds downright nasty and manipulative, dangling you on a string like this, blaming you for all that he perceives has gone wrong in the past few years, being verbally abusive towards you and your son. The red flag is huge here - heed it and leave him.

Urmstongran Fri 23-Sep-22 19:44:22

My take on this is your fella is high maintenance. Maybe you acknowledged this and accepted it until the fracture your son caused. Now? He’s issuing an ultimatum. “My way or the highway”.

He’s financially secure. He has no ties emotionally to others. He wants you to be ‘his all’. Deviate from that and you get the cold shoulder.

I’d be very upset but I’d want to end this relationship. It will be hard because you’ve invested a LOT of time and effort into it. But beware now. You’ve been shown the ‘red flags’. Ignore them at your peril. Either continue - with your eyes wide open - or fold.

I think deep down you know this is true.

Big hugs.
No one gets together to split up.