Relationship ended. Step daughter hates me

Why is her mom not around?

The issue is the father of the child, he failed her

Hmmm, having had a partner with a daughter like this, I wish I'd got out of the relationship many, many years earlier. I wasted a lot of time on a man that would never be able to commit because his main commitment was to his daughter, even as an adult (not talking normal father/daughter relationship).

If you stay, it is never going to improve. She may go off and have her own life, but as soon as you encroach further than she thinks is OK, she'll swoop back.

Love or no love. I'd leave.

I actually feel this too.
I have been so angry with him but also the last few weeks as it dawned on me that I haven't done enough to support her.
Im also angry with myself. Thanks for your honesty
Mum has drug and alcohol issues. Lives in another town.

My family life is very different, calm, supportive, fun & loving. I thought this might help if she experienced this but I felt rightly or wrongly that I needed to step away a little. Probably made it worse as it proved to her that mum figures aren't reliable etx.
We have had frank chats with her, well her dad has, about situations but I wasn't there to hear
She needs her dad and her mum and also some extra support. I fear for her future

However sorry you feel for this troubled young woman, her problems are not of your making and resolving them is not your responsibility.

You absolutely must put your own children's welfare and wellbeing first.
So sorry for the situation you find yourself in but it sounds like you know it's a lost cause.

I don't think I've ever felt like this.
Bereft. I feel like something has been taken from me & it feels so horrific.
I cant see a resolution.
He has just contacted me to say his daughter is out over night and wondered about asking me for a walk.
I've said no thanks.
I can't see how anything will be resolved.
I was with my ex husband from very young so I haven't had to break up with any other long term relationship.
It's honestly almost unbearable.
Today I nipped in to drop something off and his daughter had written on a little picture that I drew him.
He didnt see this as unusual let alone bitxhy.
I think this says it all ...

You are only in your 40s ……..move on. Good luck !

Bird, you must be so unhappy but it was a doomed relationship. I don’t agree it was bad parenting, it could well be, but we don’t know what went on with her mother or whether she has a mental illness. Whatever, you were fighting a losing battle as he can’t just abandon his daughter.

Move on !

Well it happened to a good friend. Her partner is also 18 years older. She finally moved in with him, with her daughter.
It broke them up - but when she left home to go and study elsewhere, having gone through that terrible teenage stage- they got together again and they are very happy. Been 6 years now, and all good.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. If you're in love with someone, feel at peace and happy which is precious, then it's a very difficult position to accept. Even though you know it can't go on, it doesn't take the sadness away as it seems so unfair. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I personally would be inclined to move on. She will always be his daughter and is not going anywhere. It would be good to find someone on your wavelength. You do have your own children to consider too.

I agree with Daisymae it's very sad but this relationship will always be scuppered by the daughter. Move on from this and think of your own family.

I'm not sure about "forever" but my impression is HE needs to find ways of being able to have a life of his own including women and maybe (can't be sure) only him being able to set boundaries on and for his daughter.

For her sake as much as anyone else's.

Without his lover (ie you) trying to help out and make things better? Being the therapist/healer/ sorter-outer/fixer?

I hope you don't mind me saying but I would explore the concept of 'narcissism'. Is she a narcissist? If so, you are well out of it because your children will be small/young with you for a given amount of time i.e. till they go to uni or whatever and they will be precious years for you. Once they leave home the great world will say to you 'what next?'. Please fill your life with happiness because for every one negative, there may be many positives. You must ask yourself 'Is is worth it?' Wishing you the very best of luck.

How are you?

You've all been so lovely.
I feel I've failed actually.
I feel like maybe if I was more attractive or more engaging etc that he would have felt more able to put down some boundaries. I do not allow my children to be rude to him. I sat them down and said that they were always my number one..but that I had the right to have a partner and that as long as we were respectful to eqchtoher and to my partner that this was all I expected.
We are spending a little bit of time together but I'm wondering if he isn't well. He won't do his teeth and I can't seem to find out why. He made a comment about my eye brows today (that I had microbladed yesterday.. I know it's not everyone's thing but I have half of one missing and it makes me feel more confident to have very natural ones drawn in ? he said I looked like I had two caterpillars on my face and I opened my mouth to say 'go brush your teeth, have a shave, put on clean clothes before you even dare comment about me please" but didn't want to cause upset so just explained again that it was just scabbing process that would sort itself out over a week or so and that it's suxh a tiny amount of tattoo done that it will look totally natural.
I'm beginning to worry that actually he isn't as nice as he was appearing.
Despite this, I'm still in love with him.
No plans to see him until next weekend and that's only a walk I think.
Thanks for all taking the time to reply to me xx

Sweetheart... if you were more attractive or more engaging it would not make him a better parent...
Not sure why you are backtracking on your very brave decision to draw a line and move on. And your immediate assumption that he is not well because he has put no effort into his personal hygeine before meeting you..???.. what is that about?

The short time you have been apart... has he stepped up with his parenting?... has he taken on board anything you discussed?
Remember why you first posted.... protect yourself and your kids....

I'm sorry to say this but he sounds quite a weak man who doesn't actually know how to set boundaries.. He was probably drawn to you because you do.. Have you thought of family therapy. If his daughter has personality disorder, you have real trouble. But a MH family therapist could probably at least, help you with the dynamics of this situation. It's particularly difficult for you as you sound so emotionally intelligent.. Best wishes

Fleur20

Sweetheart... if you were more attractive or more engaging it would not make him a better parent...
Not sure why you are backtracking on your very brave decision to draw a line and move on. And your immediate assumption that he is not well because he has put no effort into his personal hygeine before meeting you..???.. what is that about?

The short time you have been apart... has he stepped up with his parenting?... has he taken on board anything you discussed?
Remember why you first posted.... protect yourself and your kids....

Thank you. I know you're right.
I know I sound like an immature young girl, not a woman in her 40's, but I've never felt like this about someone before.
I still feel absolutely bereft. X

pascal30

I'm sorry to say this but he sounds quite a weak man who doesn't actually know how to set boundaries.. He was probably drawn to you because you do.. Have you thought of family therapy. If his daughter has personality disorder, you have real trouble. But a MH family therapist could probably at least, help you with the dynamics of this situation. It's particularly difficult for you as you sound so emotionally intelligent.. Best wishes

I feel awful because he has had a particularly bad year with no work and is very depressed. I feel like the only good thing around him (that's what he says..I'm not trying to big myself up!)
If I'm not around I'm worried he will sink lower into depression.
It's not healthy I know it. I really appreciate everyone's time and thoughts.
Without it (honestly) I'm on my own with it as family and friends would think badly of him if they knew

I think one problem is that you have been living seperately with your own children. She probably thinks that if she continues causing problems you will split up and you will disappear. If your partner had set out ground rules (and stuck to them) he might have been able to come up with a workable plan for you to live as a family. She obviously has problems but while you and her father have a relationship where you just "visit" each other she holds all the cards.

Put all of your love and energy into your children. That is your duty and you will be amazing. They need you back.

Oh dear! This sounds a total nightmare!
Here’s the thing. In any relationship where there are problems and you are unhappy you have 3 choices.
1. Accept the status quo
2. Negotiate change
3. Leave

Sounds like you can’t accept the status quo. You can’t change the situation.
So I guess you know what is left.

But you don’t want to do it. Hope dies last.

Your life, your choices. It’s hard sometimes x

I think you should bide your time . Carry on a kind of illicit affair which could be quite exciim sure . Then when she's left home he's all.yours ! This too will pass . Same as any other time and you will be together when she's an Adult.........sorted .