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Life after 70

(18 Posts)
Drina01 Thu 29-Sep-22 21:56:30

So much going on at the moment but the biggest thing is wanting to live closer to children and grandchildren (who wish I would make a move as they live in our home village). Problem is husband doesn’t want to, however he rarely takes part in grandchild care and I regularly do on my own each week driving over an hour to get to them sometimes having to stay over and then driving all the way back ( in terrible weather in winter). My health isn’t so good lately so looking after a 12 month old is challenging and sorting out a 5 and 8 year old after school etc. Problem is he’s a drinker so I have to judge when to broach the subject. I would dearly love the balance of my life to have children and grandchildren drop by whenever and resurrect friends I used to have there as we previously lived there for 25 years. He is now renegading on discussions re moving and tbh I’ve had enough sitting here on my own whilst running myself ragged up and down (which spoils the experience really). We had a real humdinger tonight about it and feel quite sad after all this time. I feel am not living the life I would like and need. I think he thinks no one can see what he gets up to here. Married too long to give it up ? Too long a post I know but has anyone else gone through this. Is it a later life thing ?

Lucca Thu 29-Sep-22 21:59:55

Do what you want before it’s too late.
Find a house, tell him you’re going to move
He can stop,drinking and come with you, or not….

Urmstongran Thu 29-Sep-22 22:17:22

You are unhappy at home. Moving nearer to your family might help. But of course you may find child caring duties pile on more if you are close by ... and as the baby gets older so will you be doing. There are many variables to consider. The bottom line really is only you know how much you want change and what you will put up with. Or not.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Drina01 Thu 29-Sep-22 22:47:27

Yes many variables indeed. This is going to take some thought (be it all one sided). Am quite a social person I think and do need people. Thanks to both re sanity check - appreciated.

Mandrake Thu 29-Sep-22 22:54:37

I would just encourage you to think about whether you would still want to move if the vision you have of the move doesn't stack up to the reality. What if the children and grandchildren don't just drop by? They are busy with their lives and activities, will they have time for this? When you move away, friends have often moved on and it's not the same when you move back. They have established new patterns and friendships and it might not ever be the same as it was. Maybe it will be all you hope for, but will you regret moving if it's not?

If you and your husband can't agree then there is only one thing you can do. Decide to move without him if he won't come, or stay put with him.

Esspee Thu 29-Sep-22 23:00:09

Does your husband add joy to your life? Does your family?
In your position I’d be moving back to live where I know I would be happier as you only get one life and your future looks bleak if you stay.

Lucca Fri 30-Sep-22 03:26:20

I wouldn’t stay with a drinker in any case. I’ve seen where that leads with friends.

Apricity Fri 30-Sep-22 05:39:50

As an interim or compromise option could you leave your husband and dog at home and travel to see your family either by car or train /bus (whatever is relevant) and perhaps stay a little longer each time. This might help you to enjoy the time with your grandchildren more, be less tiring and give you the opportunity to consider if you really want to move back to the village and whether that might be with or without your husband.

vegansrock Fri 30-Sep-22 06:27:44

Issue an ultimatum (when he’s sober) - “it’s me or the booze”. Then you’ll see where his love lies. Contact Al Anon. By staying and putting up with his drinking you are enabling his behaviour , which doesn’t make you happy, so stop doing it, You may find if he stops drinking he becomes more reasonable and your relationship improves. If he doesn’t / won’t stop, then get legal advice and move on, your life won’t get any better.

Allsorts Fri 30-Sep-22 06:59:00

You finished your post by saying you have been married too long to give it up, so moving away on your own isn't on, plus he would have to agree to leaving your hone and you each having half of everything, which he wouldn't do, so it isn't practical. An hour away isn't too far at all. The thought that living closer, you would see more of each other rarely happens. I think a lot of men wouldn't want that journey and do what you do with childcare, in a few years it will be too much for you. You have to agree to differ. Don't know what sort of drinker he is, but a talk needs to be had about that. Doubtful he will change at his age though. If it is practical stay over in bad weather. I was a young grandmother so it was no bother, but that routine is a bit full on with three children to care for even one day. Others might disagree but you are obviously finding it hard. I really think you gave to look at the real problem, you are finding it hard and want his help, that he first want to give. I hope you find a solution.

Lucca Fri 30-Sep-22 07:38:10


Issue an ultimatum (when he’s sober) - “it’s me or the booze”. Then you’ll see where his love lies. Contact Al Anon. By staying and putting up with his drinking you are enabling his behaviour , which doesn’t make you happy, so stop doing it, You may find if he stops drinking he becomes more reasonable and your relationship improves. If he doesn’t / won’t stop, then get legal advice and move on, your life won’t get any better.

Spot on VR.

Drina01 Fri 30-Sep-22 09:52:23

...very kind of all for your thoughts. Other opinions are important instead of my one view.

Charleygirl5 Fri 30-Sep-22 10:02:04

You must have moved away from that area and your family and friends for a reason. Is there a chance because of work your family may move away?

Life does not get any easier as you get older and there will come a time for whatever reason you can no longer drive. I would not like the commitment of looking after 3 children, especially with one so young.

LRavenscroft Fri 30-Sep-22 11:42:11

As I get older I measure my emotional barometer by the way I feel if I wake up at 3 a.m. and also when I wake up in the morning. Only you will truly know what you feel. If you feel the lifeblood sucked out of you and have no joy in anyone or anything, then you need to take action. If you feel you can stick it out for whatever personal reason, then that is also an option. How do you feel about the years that pan out? Can you talk to your children? A lot to think about but good luck.

Drina01 Fri 30-Sep-22 12:58:14

Very much appreciated all. Moved re work and this house, for the past 11 years, was his choice. It has a huge garden on a hillside which he doesn’t really do which is another factor - re health wise it takes a lot for me to keep going. He took early retirement while I kept working and looking after various children. He did tinker with a small p/t job here but his health has been iffy and he’s in remission re lung cancer. I have just retired and really really want to look forward to the next chapter. Difficult times.

Charleygirl5 Fri 30-Sep-22 13:13:15

Irrespective of whether you move closer to your children or not, it sounds as though the garden is no longer a pleasure and too much. Surely your OH sees that? Does he not give any thought to you? Is it me, me me?

Even if you do stay together it sounds to me as though you should be house hunting but thanks to our PM your house at present is unmortgageable unless you found a cash buyer.

Would having a short break away together give you time to discuss things with OH?

Will you manage public transport if you can no longer drive?

Drina01 Fri 30-Sep-22 16:45:45

Yes in these wierd times options are limited. That is another worry not being reliant on our young families for transport as I get older. Am nervous on dual carriageways now and only use B roads to get to everyone. I see neighbours with their own families who live here popping in and out even for just 15 minutes etc and grandads taking children to school. We could do all that and actually be better off money wise. Am an ex librarian and would love to volunteer ( as I used to when my children were small) at the local school etc. I’ve never been one to sit still though he seems to be able to do that. Time to think ...

Madgran77 Fri 30-Sep-22 17:37:36

I think you need some marriage guidance (alone) or counselling to help you see the wood for the trees. The real issue is whether you want to continue this relationship. If you do, then compromise on both sides is appropriate. If you don't then you can make that moving decision alone flowers