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Daughters in laws

(35 Posts)
Tgran Wed 29-Mar-23 07:21:06

Are you ‘friends’ with your child’s in laws? My DSIL has his DM and her DP, I like them both, we are though very different backgrounds with wealth. In laws are quite well off (not rich though) I am not at all well off. I feel very inadequate and compare myself frequently. They are able to offer my DD lots more than me.

That is the question is, could this be a reason we don’t socialise with them? My DD never invites me to their house when they visit and vice versa, so socially we are kept apart. Does this resonate at all?

My DD/DSIL and their in laws (and family) are all lovely, so I’m wondering why we aren’t all friends?

VioletSky Wed 29-Mar-23 07:31:01

Never compare yourself to the inlaws, slippery slope to all sorts of issues. Money and status is meaningless really. You could always invite them to dinner.

I haven't met my future DILs parents yet, we are quite introverted people and they are very social and outgoing and have an already busy social life.

Sometimes you will have friendships with extended family and sometimes you may not but what matters to your daughter in laws is that they are loved and welcomed by you

Katie59 Wed 29-Mar-23 07:32:41

Personally no, I met them at the weddings then little contact, but all families are different, OHs family in-laws are frequently involved, family parties are enormous.

ginny Wed 29-Mar-23 07:42:55

Our youngest DDs PIL are quite different to us . We don’t meet them separately but get on perfectly well if we meet at family occasions.
Eldest DD only has a FIL who moved abroad several years ago so we have only met a couple of times.
No point in comparing yourself , just be friendly when you do meet. There are more important things than having money.
Main thing is that you Daughter has a good relationship with them.

Marydoll Wed 29-Mar-23 08:08:34

My son's in laws are our next door neighbours, so we can't avoid them! 😉

Starrynight49 Wed 29-Mar-23 08:14:23

My daughter's in-laws are very nice people, but we don't meet much . Maybe at the grandchildren's birthdays parties, and during the Christmas season when my daughter likes to invite all family members to a big lunch . The only other times I've seen them is if we go to watch the children's school sports or suchlike, and we might bump into them . We always chat and get along fine, but there is no idea that we'd meet more frequently. I'd guess that they are better off than us, but I don't waste any energy on comparing . They might give better gifts, but we give a lot of our time to the children so I think the balance is about right.

My son only has a brother-in-law who he gets on wonderfully with. I've met him a few times . Again, he's a nice man, but our paths only cross at birthdays and Christmas.

I'd say, stop comparing yourself to your in-laws, and just be happy if your daughter gets along well with them !

M0nica Wed 29-Mar-23 08:28:23

Our DiL's family and us have more or less melded into one. They all live 200 miles away, but we stay with MiL when we visit.

There is an economic gap between us. My companion grandmother was widowed when her children were around 5. Her DH worked for British Rail, so she has a satisfactory pension income, but not large and she never worked, and has lived in the same house for 60 years. DH had a job that took him all over the world and, coming up for 80 still works, as and when. we have upgraded houses and have been able to help DS when times are tight. But she is the grandma round the corner and sees far more of DGC than we do.

In our case these differences haven't stopped us being good friends. We have holidayed together, and, except during COVID, always stay at her house overnight when we visit DS and family where they live.

I think you define what your problem yourself I feel very inadequate and compare myself frequently. If you feel like that you will find it difficult to be good friends with your DS's in-laws. Why do you feel inadequate? Just because the other side of the family have more money, so what. I would hate it if my lovely DDiL's mother was feeling - and presumable acting - like you. We have a good relationship because we like each other and see each other as equals - which we are - in our love and care for our grandchildren and affection for our own child and their spouse.

Bear also in mind, that the nicest of people, may actually not have much in common and not seek out each others company simply because they do not 'jell'.

The main thing is to chuck the inferiority complex.

fancythat Wed 29-Mar-23 08:29:50

Yes, I am friends with them.

Sounds to me though, it is actually your DD, who keeps you apart from them?

sodapop Wed 29-Mar-23 08:52:02

It's not always easy as we are all brought together by our children and may not have anything else in common.
It was lovely to be welcomed last year by my American in laws even though my son in law died over 25 years ago. We had many great memories to share.

LRavenscroft Wed 29-Mar-23 08:54:55

In our family the in laws get on better with the other son because his wife is very go ahead, full of energy, they live in a big house with animals, kids and are always either travelling or carrying out all sorts of projects. Our side of the family are academics who don't care for anything that gets in the way of our own lives. We hate entertaining, don't like people staying with us and are useless at small talk. When the other in laws do come to visit, they stay in a hotel and only stay a few days because we are so boring and have very little to offer them in the way of entertainment.

Greyduster Wed 29-Mar-23 09:23:59

We never met my DiL’s father and only met her mother at DS’s wedding when sadly she was suffering from dementia. She was very sweet but didn’t know what was going on. My DD is not married to her partner but when they set up home together we did invite his parents to dinner and it was a very nice relaxed evening considering that their lifestyle and the social gulf between us was rather wide but they were very good mannered and totally unpretentious. We didn’t see a lot of them thereafter, but when we did, it was always cordial. We always had more of a hand in GS’s upbringing than they did but that was their choice and I couldn’t help feeling sad over the years of all the joy they had missed out on. He is DD’s only child and he never really got to know his paternal grandparents, or to know about some of the remarkable things his grandfather had achieved before he died.

Granarchist Wed 29-Mar-23 09:27:54

3 DDs. Two lots of 'outlaws' live abroad but we see everyone as much as is possible. We stay in their houses and they stay with us in the UK. I recognise that we are exceptionally lucky and we all come from pretty similar backgrounds which makes life much easier. We all say that we would be friends anyway if we had not met through our children.

Doodledog Wed 29-Mar-23 09:30:30

I met my DIL's parents at the wedding, and haven't seen them since. My son has arranged a big night out in the Spring - we are going to a gig then staying in a hotel - us, the ILs and the 'children'. I'm looking forward to it, but don't expect that we will all become firm friends afterwards. Who knows though?

We live in different places, so the distance would make it difficult. They are 10 years or so younger than us, and still work, and we don't (on the face of it anyway) have more than the children in common. The connection is that they brought up the woman who makes my son happy, so on that basis I like them.

My parents and my ILs were the same - friendly and relaxed in one another's company, but not 'friends'. They sent Christmas cards, but didn't visit or otherwise socialise - why would they? I suppose in the days when people all stayed in the same street it was different, but these days that's relatively rare, I think.

pascal30 Wed 29-Mar-23 09:54:05

If you ever go to family events with them why don't you just say that it would be nice to have a meal with them? It does sound as though your DD doesn't want to encourage socialising but I suspect that might be because she doesn't want you to feel more inadequate than you already feel.. especially if you've told her how you feel.. Do you really think that money is more important than being a nice, kind, interesting person?

lixy Wed 29-Mar-23 10:07:11

We meet in-laws every now and then at family events and are on good terms which is nice.
Support for children comes in many forms - money is only one. Try to focus on your unique way of offering support rather than the money comparison.
In our case the FiL is wealthy and can offer financial support, but he likes my jam better than any he buys in the shops!

Wyllow3 Wed 29-Mar-23 10:11:55

My DiL is far closer to her parents and they all are closer than DS is to "my side of the family":

but I think that generally not always, DD's remain closer to Mum than DS's.

I wouldn't expect to be close to DiL's parents and sister actually: maybe if they lived close by there would be more natural socialising, but it would take exceptional circs as they live a long way away.

I'm concentrating on getting best relationship possible with DiL as we are very different, and so far, so good. I go up to stay with them for a few days at a time and feel loved and accepted and thats enough for me. Maybe it would be different if one of my DGC wasn't very very disabled and its hard for them to leave home?

Kate1949 Wed 29-Mar-23 10:13:00

You don't have to be friends but of course if you want to it would be nice.
We get on reasonably well with our son in law's family and meet up at family parties etc but we're not friends. They are totally different to us.

Wyllow3 Wed 29-Mar-23 10:14:02

Oh, and yes in terms of money, DiL's parents can offer far far more support - and for that, I am just profoundly glad - like money for their house when DiL's gran died...and with the disabled daughter too, into the future - thank god. No envy there: just gratitude.

annodomini Wed 29-Mar-23 10:19:51

Ex-DIL's parents are now deceased. I liked them very much. She was a cheerful and happy gran to our GC and he was a much-loved grandad. Like me, they didn't live close to the family and we never had - never would have had - any conflict. Another DiL's mum lives much further away and I have met her only a few times. We got on well enough, united in our love for the GC. My latest DiL's mum is lovely and friendly. I met her at the wedding and we fell into conversation easily. She welcomed me into her family gathering at Christmas and I'm looking forward to meeting her again this summer.

Tgran Wed 29-Mar-23 10:58:57

Thank you all for your comments.

I want to make it clear that I get on very well with the in laws, no problem there at all, it’s just the ‘friends’ bit, it has not gone on to that level, and I feel that because of their lifestyle, I don’t fit in with them.

I am very very (eternally) grateful that they treat my daughter as one of their own, it could be so different I know.

I just wanted to see others relationships with in laws.

Aside from the inadequacy, I don’t have an awful lot in common with them, so there lies the lack of opportunity to connect.

And as a PP said I MUST stop comparing!!! It is the thief of joy..

Yammy Wed 29-Mar-23 11:30:47

I have SIl.One's mother was lovely but has since the wedding died, the wedding was planned and colour-matched between us and we both made contributions.we keep in contact with her husband.
The other SIL is a lovely well mannered person. We met his parents before and at the wedding and when the first grandchild was born.
No Coordination prior to the wedding DD's mil in Khaki and me in black, cream and white. Photos look like Romil and Montgomery ready to fight for Tobruk. They live at the other end of the country and at first, we kept in contact. We send cards at Christmas.
Nothing to do with money or social hierarchy just distance.

Theexwife Wed 29-Mar-23 12:14:42

Why do you need to be friends with them? As long as you get on at family events why do you need more of a relationship.

GrannyGravy13 Wed 29-Mar-23 12:32:45

The two of our DiL’s who have still got parents we are friends with, exchange text/WhatsApp messages and socialise with, they are part of our extended family.

Smileless2012 Wed 29-Mar-23 14:16:23

Our ES met his wife because we were friends with her parents. Her mum and I had been good friends for several years before they met.

We didn't really see them after they were married because of the on off relationship she had with them; estranged one minute and not estranged the next.

The last time would have been when our eldest GC was Christened aged 4 months.

kircubbin2000 Wed 29-Mar-23 14:23:09

One set we meet at Christmas and birthdays and we get on well swap books and gifts but dont see otherwise. Next set lead very busy social lives, still work and we only met at the wedding. Nice people but have very little in common and I feel quite useless compared with her.
Third set live abroad, don't speak English and have very different culture and standard of living, only met them once.