Gransnet forums


When to move on?

(20 Posts)
CraftyPagan Wed 03-Apr-24 12:30:25

I’m new to Gransnet, so hello to you all.

Last year was absolutely horrendous for me. My greyhound had to be pts in March, my husband died in July, I had to move house in August, was in hospital for a week with kidney stones in October, and four days after I came out, I was back in with my mum who died three days later.

After losing my husband and dog I was in a very bad way, was put on suicide watch for weeks, but I’m doing okay now. I’ve got a part time job, which helps. But I hate living alone, and would like male company again.

When is the right time to move on? My husband only died nine months ago, should I be thinking about moving on already? Is that disloyal?

I’ll never forget him or stop loving him, but I can’t wallow in grief and misery forever. I’m only 60, so could have years ahead of me. Will people think I’m awful wanting to let go and move on already?

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Apr-24 12:36:00

Hello CraftyPagan and welcome to GN.

The right time to move on is when it's right for you, everyone's different so there's no right or wrong time. You've been though so much in such a short space of time so do be aware that you're still probably emotionally vulnerable so my advice FWIW is not to rush into anything, but take your time flowers.

CraftyPagan Wed 03-Apr-24 12:41:12

Thanks for the reply.
Yes I’m still emotionally fragile, but also feel I don’t want to be wallowing in grief anymore, I don’t think it’s doing me any good.
But you’re right, there’s no rush.

Urmstongran Wed 03-Apr-24 13:04:52

You seem a person of extremes. Pretty labile.
You’ve gone from suicide watch to considering dating in what, nine months?

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 03-Apr-24 13:06:31

I agree with Smileless. Whatever feels right for you but take it slowly. Good luck and I’m glad your life is starting to improve after such an unimaginably terrible year. 💐

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 03-Apr-24 13:07:30

We are all different Urms.

Georgesgran Wed 03-Apr-24 13:18:33

I think if you act in haste, you may well regret it and have to add that to your list of life events.
I also think you need to be ready for some flack, both here and in real life.
I imagine for the majority of those on here who are widowed, you are just in the early stages of bereavement and need help - maybe talking therapy to come to terms with what’s been going on in your life.
I was still dealing with the legal, financial and practical issues 9 months after my DH died.

Indeed - we are all different.

Georgesgran Wed 03-Apr-24 13:19:31

Should have included the emotional side, of course.

TinSoldier Wed 03-Apr-24 13:27:37

Let people think what they want. Some people expect us to remain in widow’s weeds for ever.

I was widowed at a younger age than you, also worked but felt in need of male company other than work colleagues.

It was about a year after DH died that I thought I might be ready to date again. It’s been a very long time now. I have met some nice men along the way; never anyone that I have wanted to be with in a committed long-term relationship but have had some adventures along the way! And yes, I would get the occasional comment from neighbours who'd noticed I had an overnight visitor who were keen for gossip.

Having now had a very long time to get used to living alone, I am now content with the status quo. However, over the years I have made a number of good Platonic male friends whose company I enjoy.

If you are feeling fragile it’s probably best to avoid the online dating scene which can be a meat market. Instead, try to develop social networks where you might meet someone naturally. That’s where my male Platonic friends have come from.

Look for local clubs and groups and social activities which attract a mixed membership not just women - although you never know, one of them may have a single brother or their husband may have a single friend who you might get along with.

CraftyPagan Wed 03-Apr-24 14:34:33

I’m not considering dating, but hanging on to my grief isn’t helping I don’t think, it’s that I’d like to move on from! The male company comment meant as in company!

CraftyPagan Wed 03-Apr-24 14:37:36

Thank you for the comment and for understanding.

Theexwife Wed 03-Apr-24 15:26:52

If you feel ready then go for it, there are no benefits in prolonging misery. It will be a good distraction and could be fun. Dont look at every meeting as a long term relationship but as company and a good time, it may develop or it may just be some good outings.

Whethertomorrow Wed 03-Apr-24 15:38:05

You do you. Whatever is right for you won’t be right for some people. Just be a little cautious because there some predators out there.

My husband died five years ago now when I was 59 and I will never ever kiss or look at another man again (apart from Jason Statham of course!). I’ve had the best man and the rest just wouldn’t match up. The thought of getting jiggly with a strange pe**s just makes my skin crawl. It does take some effort to accept that I will never have sex again, it took me some time but I’m happy with my decision. Unfortunately for me the menopause made my libido soar but Hey ho them’s the breaks.

Whatever you decide that is your right to that decision. Just be careful and listen to your gut. Give yourself time to grieve and then move on when you feel ready. You do not need to give anyone reason for what you are or are not doing.

Good luck with the future.

HeavenLeigh Wed 03-Apr-24 15:44:33

Oh my goodness that’s horrendous one thing after another I think I’d be on the floor, I suppose it’s whenever you feel up to moving on nobody can tell you it’s your decision

DiamondLily Wed 03-Apr-24 16:17:44

You need to do what’s right for you. I lost my DH a year ago, and I don’t want anyone else - ever. But that’s me.

Do what you need to do - but beware of scammers.

BlueBelle Wed 03-Apr-24 16:26:54

Why does it need to be male company ? if it’s company you’re looking for so much easier and less fraught if you were to look for females at least to start with
It doesn’t matter what people think no one’s business but so blooming easy to get your fingers burned badly when your not in a strong state
I think you would be quite footless to look for male company whilst you are so vulnerable 99% will want it to lead somewhere and where are you going to find this lovely, kind, caring male company I ve found them very thin on the ground
I m sorry to sound a bit blunt but I think you really need to work on yourself and become much stronger before embarking on any kind of relationship platonic or not
There is a good organisation called WAY widowed and young they have meet ups, holidays, chats etc a good start to dipping your toe in friendships and more

AGAA4 Wed 03-Apr-24 16:45:59

Take it slowly. You have been through so much you need to heal. Join some groups that appeal to you like book clubs or walking clubs. Have you thought of getting another dog? Walking with a dog is a great way to make friends.
Take care of yourself and good luck in finding new friends and interests CraftyPagan

pascal30 Wed 03-Apr-24 17:56:30

Who put you on suicide watch for several weeks?

LOUISA1523 Thu 04-Apr-24 00:11:06

Where you sectioned ?....that must have been hard .....9 months isn't long .... so quite normal for you still to be grieving....if its company you're after it doesn't have to be just male does it? are limiting yourself? Or are you wanting to start a new relationship? ...only you will know when you are ready shouldn't be judged for wanting that ( if that's what you DO wsnt)

Grammaretto Thu 04-Apr-24 05:43:41

Why not plan a holiday with a travel company. It need not be specifically for singles but they often apppeal to lone travellers.
This way you could combine escaping from your present environment with seeing wonderful sights and sites and allowing the possibility of making new friends.