Children coping with changing family dynamics

Our children are part of an extended parenting group....posh name for mum having remarried and dad having remarried.

We've been like this for four years now and work as a team to ensure the children feel secure at all times. Behind the scenes we adults don't always agree. There are times I and the mum's husband, as the stepmother and stepfather, bite our tongues because at the end of the day the real mum and dad's opinions have to take priority. We all refer to the children as 'ours' but as step parents we know we have to take a lesser role.

Whatever happens the children come first. They know they have four people who love them deeply. In fact our daughter says she's lucky because most children only have two adults who would die for them whilst she has four.

The trick is to make life as steady as possible for the children. Make sure they know they are loved and keep their routine as stable as you can. Our children know they will come here every weekend and for longer periods in the school holidays. We keep them in the loop as to what is happening and when so they don't feel they're simply being shuffled around.

As a child gets older they also realise there are benefits to having two homes. Two bedrooms, two sets of clothes, two birthdays, two Christmas's and two lots of holidays.

Try not to worry too much about your grandchild. Children are incredibly adaptable.

vq - 'extended parenting group' sounds so good if, as you say, all work as a team for the children's security. Sadly this is not always the case. Sadly too, as in my experience, it is often the mother who uses the children to punish the father and of course the children suffer. I have to be fair and say I know of one father who has also alienated his children from their mother.

I have tried to stay neutral for my DGC and maintained their stability as much as I can. They stay with their father and myself at weekends and more in school holidays and appear to be settled into this routine. However there have been upsets and disruptions along the way due to Mum's demands. She can be quite adamant about 'my time' and 'your time' which causes problems when some flexibility is required eg football training, school clubs, swimming lessons etc. On the other hand if she wants to go out we are expected to look after them in 'her time' (eg a week's holiday this summer)! Frankly it's not worth the arguments.

The children are all under 8, the youngest being 3 and we have suffered night terrors, sleep walking, bad (violent) behaviour and soiling pants (in the case of the youngest). Yes children are adaptable but they do pick up on conflict. So william09 all I can advise is to try not to get involved in any disputes and hang on in there as the stable one whatever else happens.

Sadly I know quite a few families like you describe, Grandma2213. I got the impression from the OP that the adults aren't quite at each other's throats. Hopefully all adults will continue to put the child first.

I'm not saying it's easy. In fact, at times, it's nigh on impossible but, by keeping the children's well being at the forefront, adult friction can be kept to a minimum and never takes place when the children are present or in the vicinity.