50 Shades of Gransnet
“If the younger generation have mummy porn…” asked notsogrand “am I being unreasonable to suggest we have our own, more mature version?”
And the answer, obviously, is of course not! And so it is that we have collated, from our favourite thread ever, the collective thoughts of gransnetters near and far to bring you 50 Shades of Gransnet.
Get yourself a cup of tea (or possibly something a bit stronger), settle down and prepare to be thoroughly entertained, shocked, or maybe even just mildly creeped out by the shenanigans of Ana and the illustrious Mr Beige. We join them in the first chapter, as Mr Beige embarks on a journey up, up... Up to the first floor on his stairlift. Naturally.
Warning: not for the faint hearted.
As dusk approached, Mr Beige banged the safety bar on his stairlift in a masterful manner and called out “Ana! Press the button NOW!”
Ana stood on the landing gazing down upon her master as he rose towards her (geddit?) As he came closer and closer, she felt the release of her inner goddess. With one hand resting seductively on the handle of her glittered walking stick, she unrolled the garters from the top of her lisle stockings and prepared herself to be overwhelmed.
She helped him gently off the stair lift and onto his zimmer. With a rheumy glint in his eye, he reached one gnarled old hand towards her pendulous bosom, casting her blouse aside as they crossed the landing.
Following Mr Beige's instructions, Ana tied herself to the bedpost with his thrombosis stockings. He leered at her longingly. “You love it don't you?” he cried “You love being at my mercy!”
“I do master” said Ana submissively, too scared to tell him that she actually liked being tied to the bed because it stopped her falling on the floor in the night when she got leg cramps.
“Avast!” cried Mr Beige as he threw a peanut in the direction of his parrot. (Sorry, wrong genre. Just love the Depp chap).
“Hold on!” Ana cried. “I can't drink my Horlicks while I'm tied up like this and you haven't had your pills...”
“Aha” cried Mr Beige (then had a coughing fit and had to grope around to find the commode...).
Ana allowed her M&S biggy knicks to slide to the floor and reached for the cord on his striped pyjamas...already, she could feel the familiar swell of his manhood - or was it his incontinence bottle…?
Ana gazed at the ceiling and fell into an anticipatory reverie. After a lifetime of frustration, it now seemed that all her dreams were about to come true; so long as her gammy hip stood up to the unaccustomed manipulation. And perhaps it hadn't been wise to have beans for lunch.
"One moment" cried he, "I must get my viagra."
"You take viagra?" said she.
"Oh yes, I take it every night. I find it helps to stop me rolling out of bed."
"One moment", she cried, "don't go away you magnificent creature. I have a little something too!" Reaching beneath the bed she groped for those magic sachets of lubricant samples that she got free from Gransnet last winter. And her varifocals so that she could manage to open them…
To be continued…probably, once we’ve done our online shop and vacuumed the lounge. We’re busy you know!
With huge thanks to all those who contributed to the original thread.