..to ask for my Mum's engagement ring back?

Hmm.. are their children girls or boys? If there is a GD perhaps you could ask that it is given to her? That way it stays connected to the family...do you think she would do that? Suppose also that it depends on what your son said when he gave her the ring originally!
If they were happily together would you be expecting the ring to be returned at some point?

Oh dear, that's very sad, specki. I think if it had been me I would have asked my son for my mother's ring back straight after he had bought the 'real' engagement ring, but that's easy to say in retrospect. If your son isn't likely to be able to persuade his wife to surrender the ring, nanaej's suggestion is probably the best option. I know how you must feel, but try not to let it make you feel bitter.

Yes nana I thought of that but I know that their daughter would not cherish it. She is greatly indulged and has many boxes of trinkets - earrings, rings, watches, bracelets - most of which get thrown around and lost. That little ring would be utterly meaningless to her.
I don't know what he said to her when he gave her the ring - I should ask him, but he's so devastated by the way she is behaving, I don't want to add to his worries. Of course I was quite content that she had the ring - to me, it was symbolic of her being welcomed into our family. But now I fear that it will be cast aside just like my son has been.
It sounds as though I'm being vindictive - I hope not - I just worry that it will be casually slung out and I remember so vividly how my mother cherished it.

speckie I fully understand wanting the ring back and sympathise with you ..I was just wondering what the 'arrangement' was when the ring was first given to son and then to DiL

speckie what have you got to lose by just asking her? If you ask politely, out of earshot of you DGC, you might just get it back. Otherwise she might end up selling it for the gold content, or giving it to the charity shop. Surely she is not going to want to keep it. I have my mothers wedding and engagement ring, and I do cherish them.

I would certainly ask and expect her to agree. It is then up to you to keep it for a granddaughter or not in years to come.

How about offering to replace it with something she would prefer, as a gesture? Surely, she would recognise that it has sentimental value? When I left my ex-husband, I also left personal gifts that had been given by his family for him to offer them back. I knew they would want them, knowing I was not going to want to use them.

That is sad specki and you don't sound at all vindictive, sentimental possessions are important as they hold so many memories. I would also add when you get it back you should be deciding who you pass it on to.

I would let it go both physically an metaphorically and concentrare on your son and grandchildren - its not helpful to cling onto things no matter what their sentimental attachment.

I think this is a difficult situation unless you are on good terms with your dil. It's probably the last thing on her mind and might give the wrong impression if you ask for it back, however tactfully.
I would wait for exactly the right moment, which may take a long time.

I agree with gracesmum I would ask for it back nicely by saying something like " I hope you don't mind but when I offered the ring to (sons name) i did it in the assumption that it would stay in the family and now circumstances have changed I would like to have it back so I can give it to GD when she is older"

Who could refuse?

Good luck specki

I agree with susiecb.
Some of your pain is focussed on this at the moment - that is the kind of thing the mind does. I remember doing something similar when I was diagnosed with BC in my 40s. Got very angry with someone who was irrelevant.
The fact that the ring is associated with another loss in your life is maybe relevant?
I just passed on my mother's engagement ring to one of my nieces as she is the only one in the family who has the very small hands. Just occurred to me that big sis might have been miffed - but she was there and could have made a pitch for it. Funny how objects can matter isn't it. We attach emotion to them - but they are just objects.

I'm so grateful for all your very sound advice and opinions. Weighing it all up, I think I'll wait 'til my DS is of more of a sound mind and then ask him to explain the significance to her and ask for it's return. If by then it has already gone, I'll just have to accept it. Perhaps I'm at fault for giving it away in the first place. But I know my Mum would have understood my gesture and not have criticised it. She's always at my side. As are you all - thank you.

That's a difficult one specki, I completely understand your feelings regarding the ring. I, too, get very emotionally attached to "things" and I think that you should gently request that it be returned to you. I hope it all turns out well for you but right now you are going through great emotional trauma

Perhaps a well thought out letter saying how sad you feel about everything that has happened [miss out the bit about possibly wanting to rip her head off at this moment in time] and how you feel the need to have the ring with it being your mum's. If you leave it longer your relationship might deteriorate to the point that there is no contact at all. I do understand how you feel about it; reading this thread made me go and dig out my mum's wedding ring which I no longer wear [partly because I'm so scared of losing it if I do]. Symbolic things take on great importance at times such as this, and getting the ring back would be quite cathartic for you.

I wear my Husband's Grandmother's engagement ring and would certainly offer it back if we ever split up. I love the ring but it belongs in the family. It is in my will to go to my elder son when I die.

I gave my mothers eternity ring to my daughter- the burglars took it! My daughter was safe that was what mattered.

specki.....you have every right to feel very attached to this ring, I hope your DIL can see the justice in your request. It will all come down to the timing and the manner of the request. I do hope you get it resolved.
I have my Grandma's wedding ring that my Mum took to wearing after the dear old thing had died. I now have it and wear it with pride. I dont take it away on holidays abroad though as I would be so upset if it got lost.

update: the other night I got woke up in the middle of the night thinking of my son and his children and this horrible break up they are going through. I heard my phone vibrating in the bottom of my bag and got out of bed to switch it off. I couldn't resist checking the text though and it said, "I got Nannas ring back for you Mum". Bless him - I hadn't even mentioned it

That is a great end to your sad story - you must be so relieved.

Your son sounds a lovely man specki

What a happy ending specki you could write a short story about it.

about the ring of course sorry for the marriage breakup.

Back where it belongs specki