between a rock and a hard place..

What an awful situation for you granny4

I'm wondering about family type therapy.

What a terrible situation for you to be in, and it must be so difficult to know what to do for the best. As petallus suggests do you feel you could suggest family therapy?

I'm so sorry. This must be terrible for you.

Tbh I think your daughter has MH issues. Her eating disorder is probably a symptom. It seems to me she has a strong need to be in control and needs things to run the way she expects hence the massive temper tantrums. Unfortunately life never runs smoothly and she isn't able to cope with that.

There is a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder..... I'm not saying she has it ...it can only be diagnosed by a professional....but it seems she has a lot of the behaviours.

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

•Fear of being abandoned

•Feelings of emptiness and boredom

•Frequent displays of inappropriate anger

•Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting

•Intolerance of being alone

•Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

I know it says wrist cutting or overdosing but eating disorders can sometimes be seen as a form of self harm.

I'm sorry she is like this. Unfortunately you can't force her to accept there is a problem or see a doctor.

I feel for you granny4. Hard though it is, you may have to take a step back, for your own sake.

granny4 is it just you or does she have issues with other members of the family? We have a similar situation with one of our DiLs but she has fallen out with all her family except her mother so we know it is not just us. Our only way of dealing with it is to 'kill her with kindness' and we never retaliate because we feel that she would go over the top and we would never have contact with our grandsons. It is hard to do but we think this is working and she has said she will come to a family gathering in a few weeks time. We just have to wait and see if she actually does.

Good luck

granny4 your DD needs help and I dont think she will allow you to help her, she has to take that step for herself and seek firstly help from her GP. Has this become worse since she had the little ones?
Its a terrible position for you to be in my heart goes out to you.

Her attitude to you is violent and you say she also takes it out on her husband but what about the children? Does she lose her temper with them and are you anxious for their safety?

Oh dear! granny4 I haven't anything helpful to add. Your emotions must be in tatters. Annobel has raised a valid point. Professional help is surely needed. The sooner the better.

Horrific situation to be in and you quite rightly feel unable to choose the best way through it. I would say, from the outside looking in, that your daughter is sadly beyond normal reason and any attempts will backfire - on you most likely. She needs professional attention and for the sake of the children asap.

Disloyal though it may seem, if you have a good relationship with her husband, could you not join forces with him to protect the children and help him through?

Every good wish and I so hope there is a change/improvement for you all but especially before the children adopt an attitude to life through their mother who is ill.

Okay, here goes.

As a psychologist and psychotherapist I get quite worried when we start diagnosing mental illness in someone we have never seen.

I's unethical, unfair and even dangerous.

potentially dangerous

granny4 no advice, but lots and lots of sympathy for you. How difficult it must be for you to stay strong; but you've shared it with us and I hope it helps a little. xx

I agree with petallus. We don't have the qualifications to diagnose anyone nor does this one post give enough info for the proffessionals to do so. I have refrained from putting what I think is wrong with her for just that reason.

granny 4 sending a hug and a shoulder as I have nothing to offer in the way of advice ,indeed you are between a rock and a hard place....

I didn't diagnose.....I made a point of saying that. I also said that only professionals can make a diagnosis. I simply pointed out that she has traits of Borderline Personality Disorder as one option.

I'm with petallus

Granny4 you must be worried sick.
I think she needs professional help that you can't give her, her husband is surely the one to make a move for the safety of his children.

If we all stood well back all of the time, the world would be a much sadder and more hazardous place. For instance, if you see a child covered with bruises, so much safer to jump to the wrong conclusion and be proved wrong. If you see someone lying in the street, do you walk by or establish whether sick or not? It sounds as if this daughter is violent with her mother - should one and all stand well back? I hear no-one making a diagnosis, I hear suggestions for seeking more professional help for fear of the possibilities. Her mother didn't tell us her story so that we could utter useless platitudes.

Thank you all for your concern, it does help to share it. I am concerned for the children but what can I do, she lives in another European country.

Her husband is terrified of her, I cannot tell you how ill he looks, it is not just me saying this, lots of people can see it.

She tells me he is sick of me and what a bad person I am and that he no longer wants to speak to me. He has not said that to me. I have tried to contact him but he does not respond to emails, she checks his mail all the time. I expect he can hardly breathe as he is told what to do all the time. I am so sorry for him.

I am not perfect believe me but I have never, ever done her any harm. All I ever wanted was the very best for all my children.

Thanks everyone.

I expect she has told her husband the same lies about you. Is there any way you can contact him through his company email?

I'm sure you'll have approached your daughter in every way that you can think of that will allow you both to discuss the situation in an amicable manner. I can see where Nanban is coming from when she says that you need support and not useless platitudes, but what to do? It's not a case of standing back, is it? None of us could do that - just hoping for the best and that someone else, in the shape of a 'professional', will step in and sort things out. Is your son-in-law strong enough to encourage and support your daughter through her problems, granny4?

"Useless platitudes"? If all we can offer is affection and support, surely that's better than nothing. I actually feel quite hurt by that, *Nanban", all things considered.

I don't understand Nanban after your first post is surely saying the same thing?

I also feel the same as Ariadne and Ella