Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Dilly Can you talk to his doctor? If he has changed so much due to his illness is there something they can do? I have no experience of this and hope that others will be more able to help you but it seems awful for him too and maybe there is some medication which would help him. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Sounds like a nightmare Dilly, how sad , is the change due to his illness and can you discuss it with him? or speak to your GP about his mood swings they may be controllable with meds. Do you earn enough to support yourself if you moved out? Lots of questions I know.. I'm sure there will be others along with support and advice, and it does help to talk about it .

dilly From reading your post it seems that your husband is suffering from some sort of depression could I be right in that if not then I apolgise,you should not have to put up with this kind of behaviour anyway is he doing this because he knows that you have no where else to turn? Your local housing dept can help you with rehousing if you go and register with them are you of a certain age because with most social housing if you are over 55yrs you will be considered for semi-sheltered housing which will mostly consist of a 1 bed apartment and just because it states supported housing it does not mean you have to be cared for it means that it is a mainly independent flat with support as and when you need it in later life.You cannot live your life on a knife edge and you deserve to enjoy your life,can a social worker or CAB advisor help with your husbands problems I hope you find peace.

That must be so hard. I have a friend here who is in the same situation - and it is so hard to watch her suffer.

Do you have the same GP as your OH? If so, do make an appointment and explain that you are at the end of your tether and ask for advice and support. Easier if you have the same one, as s/he will be aware of his condition- but doesn't really matter.

As far as money is concerned, you have to bite the bullet and say bills should all be shared, in proportion to income. You could also go to the Citizen's advice bureau to ask for an initial appointment with a lawyer to discuss your rights- in case you do eventually decide to leave him. Bonne chance.

Dilly I understand how you feel about your surroundings. I've been cleaning my house out over the past few months; 10 years after splitting from my husband it was becoming tired and shabby and, quite frankly pretty grubby. The cleaner and tidier it gets the better I feel [it had reached the overwhelming state that people get into where it just gets worse and worse and is then beyond improvement]. You'll get so much help and support on here and will be able to think through where to go from here, lifewise. I take it he's still working? I think when you have no close family people feel they can bully you [for want of a better word] and it sounds as if that's what he's doing. Even when he was generous, I wonder if he tended to make you feel bad about yourself? I'm not wishing to be nosy, but it reminds me of my marriage;my husband was so good to me in many ways, especially financially, but made me feel useless and a waste of everyones time.

Dilly20 hello, I have just read your post, and I'm sure there are a few of us that know exactly what you trying to say, I havn't an answer for you right now, but I do know that there will be many Gransnetters trying to help you in any way they can, and in the mean time we are here to listen to anything you need to offload, no matter what it is in any shape or form, you are taking the first steps and "talking" which is a good start....keep talking, keep posting.There are so many on here with good advice and hopefully can point you in the right direction.

Dilly20. What a good thing you've done to write your post - a big first step taken, which is the important one.
You've already received kind and thoughtful comments, which I can only echo.
As biker says, keep talking, keep posting

Dilly I really feel for you. Only you will know whether it is right for you to make your own life. My ex had mental health problems (still has) and we had young children when I decided to leave. I had worked out what I could afford and although it was hard going, I'm glad we parted. One CPN said to me 'you are not his therapist. If he wants to get himself sorted, and prove to you that he cares enough to try to keep well, you will soon be able to tell, as his illness is minor and can be easily controlled.' All he did was find another partner who would put up with his emotional abuse and mean ways. He didn't attempt to change or accept treatment. His loss!

Perhaps when you know more about why he behaves like this, you will be able to decide.

Nowadays the agencies do not talk about 'battered' women but rather about 'domestic abuse'. Abuse can be emotional, mental, physical or sexual. It is for you to decide if your husband's conduct amounts to abusive behaviour - i.e. is it designed to upset, belittle or degrade you? does he try to control aspects of your life? If you find that the description fits then you should approach an agency such as Women's Aid who will be able to offer a package of support services including counselling, legal advice, your financial, benefits, and housing rights as well as a safe place to stay if you need to get away because your health (or sanity!) is suffering.

Unless it is challenged abusive behaviour will continue or worsen and I think you are right to be considering your options now before you get any older or your own health breaks down.

On a slightly different tack - what would happen if you just packed up and went on a solo 'holiday' for a couple of weeks? Would that bring him to his senses? It would certainly give you a break from living on a knife edge and a clearer head to decide what you want to do.

And remember that 'in sickness and in health' cuts both ways and is not an excuse for the one with the sickness to mistreat their partner/carer.

CAB could be your first port of call, Dilly. Some of the bigger bureaux may have a solicitor on board, many don't but all would be able to point you in the direction of one who does a free initial interview. You will be able to get plenty of advice about how to set the ball rolling and when you know you are taking action, you will feel empowered in a way you don't at the moment.

A friend in the same situation went and bought herself a mobile home to escape to - the marriage seemed to sort itself out and they staggered on for a bit longer perhaps than if she hadn't. But, I hear that she has now bought a small flat and is happier than she has been in a very long time. Is either option open to you? If not, I go along with the 'take a holiday break' suggestion - and Granny23 is absolutely right - just because you don't have bruises to show, doesn't mean that you aren't mentally battered. And mental abuse creeps up on you and affects how clearly you can think.

Rotten situation to be in and as usual some very good advice has been handed out.

I think there's a lot of good advice been offered here dilly. It's often hard to make the first move, but you've done that by speaking out.

Women's Aid organisations are not only for physically abused women. They also take psychological abuse seriously. You will probably find a number in the phone book or CAB can tell you how to contact them. Don't hold back from seeking sources of help, support and advice. They are there for you. So are we. ((((hugs))))

We all support you and you should have enough advice and information help you decide what direction to take. I would only say that before you do anything drastic, do talk to your husband's doctor. He won't be able to give you any personal information but you must let him know the changes in your husband's character. You obviously can't continue like this. (If he's still working it may be affecting his relationship with colleagues or clients as well - and his prospects.)
Medication can have astounding influence on a person's character. For instance some treatments for Parkinson's can manifest severe bi-polar symptoms. A change in medication and help coming to terms with his illness may make things bearable.