Thank you all for your replies, as always they're very helpful.
flickety if it were just the responses to our emails etc I would have been able to put that aside and continue with contact, the problem was that this rudeness and unkindness was present in every element of their behaviour. Coupled with extreme selfishness and no respect for their son (or me for that matter) it just became impossible to keep going. You're absolutely right about me not being able to believe they won't change and I suppose I didn't realise it until I read what you wrote, like you say mine, my husbands and our little ones relationship with my family is wonderful and this kind of behaviour is unconcievable for me so I think I have always (probably too freely) given the benefit of the doubt.
Your point about curious it's rather than seeking justification was also really helpful and something I'd not thought of in that way, so thankyou.
smileless you're right, it is such a shame. Especially as they aren't terrible people if you see what I mean. It's not like they would be dangerous to our child or have been abusive towards my husband. Thank you for your kind words.
mishap the problems we have had are a whole load greater than just a few insensitive comments I'm afraid. I think My MIL has a big need for control and despit my husband being nearly 30, both his parents still believe he should follow their orders. During the many conversations when we tried to discuss issues with them, my mother in law would cry and say she just gets carried away at first but after a while it became apparent that they could see no problem whatsoever with their behaviour. I have to take some of the blame for not letting my husband be as firm as he wanted to be at the very beginning of the problems. I was too eager not to upset my inlaws so I always persuaded my husband to say everything 'gently' when in fact had he been abit more harsh the situation may not have escalated as it did. I don't think they truly do understand the reasons we ceased contact, in one of the last conversations we had with them, his parents said things to my husband like 'were your parents and you'll do as we say' or 'you knew us before her so we should come first'. They really believed that it was only me who had the problem with their behavious when in fact their son was more angry with them than me. I think because they were under this false belief that they didn't take my husband seriously when he was asking them to change their behaviour.
Margretx I think you're right! they aren't my parents and if he isn't bothered then I need to try to do as you say and just stop worrying about it. I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your mother in law, especially at the time you'd just lost your own mother. It must have been very hard for you.
nellie in hindsight I should have trusted my husbands opinion re his parents and particularly his mother a lot earlier than I did, foolishly I thought that he was unkind keeping them at arms length as they seemed nice enough but turns out he was right! Like you say, he knows them best and he anticipated every problem we would have. I do agree with not closing the for completely though, even if we only keep it half open in our own minds. Hopefully with time they will come to see that they need to change a little to have a relationship with their grandchild and this may be enough to make a difference.......unlikely I suppose, but you never know!
agus you're right about it depending on the grandparents in question. I think the reason I've found it so hard to accept is because as I've said, they aren't bad people. I don't know if the issue is that MIL always wanted another baby herself and just couldn't seem to understand that our baby wasn't hers! As well as sadness about the situation, I have to admit that like my husband I do still carry some anger for the misery she cast over what should have been the most special time in our lives, when everything else was perfect. There was no reason for us to have any stress in the time our baby was born, we have good jobs, We were fortunate for me to be able to give up to be a full time mummy, we have a lovely home of our own, great friends and family and yet so much of our first year with our little one was overshadowed by this awful situation so I suppose I resent her for it and I'm not sure if I will ever get past it. In the early months of LOs life we barely had a day that wasn't ruined by her. Only hours after I got out of hospital (she'd been to visit the day before when LO was born in the hospital) she turned up my husbands dad and her best friend and her husband (who I'd never even met before) demanding to see baby, we were upstairs, my husband answered the door and said we were resting and she replied 'it's ok, she can rest upstairs all she wants, nanas here to take over now, just give me that baby down here I want to show him off' my husband obviously said of course not and explained that like he'd already told her before the baby arrived we didn't want visitors unless we'd had abit of notice as I was trying to establish feeding etc. to which she replied 'oh she's not going through with that breastfeeding stuff is she, well she can't do it while were here, it makes us feel sick'...... Things got worse as the weeks went on!