Mother's day acknowledgment!

I know exactly how you feel. I had nothing ftom my son either. Not a card, a phone call or a message. Similarly Christmas, no card or present, likewise my birthday. Years ago I was very seriously ill and again nothing not even a phone call to see how I was. I am very hurt over his behaviour given the support I have given him over the years and still giving him in maintaining contact with his children. I think it is more than just thoughtlessness, more to do with passive hostility. Trying to talk about what the issues are is difficult. Any suggestions how I can approach him

Does that mean you do still see your son SJP even if only occasionally?

I still see him from time to time, mainly when we meet up for when he has contact with his 3 children and I help him out as 3 children under 7 is a handful. This support involves a 300 mile round trip for me, but its great I see them too. There is a history of enstrangement which is a long story and a complicated backj story involving his children and ex partner which I cannot disclose here. I suspect there is residual anger lingering from this as well as guilt and shame. . There was a reconciliation 2 years ago of sorts, and I have given him space to sort himself out but I am a little tired of his thoughtlessness and we do need to knuckle down to some honest conversations. It isn't just me but other famiky members too

Some suggestions might include
* asking him and his family over to spend Christmas with you or you going to them at Christmas
* when next you visit him, and the children are in bed, settle down with a bottle of wine and chat
* all go on holiday together

I'm just casting round here for ways to bring you and your son together in ways that might end up in a friendly chat, which ought to be quite a way before any 'honest conversations' .

Many years ago I fell out with a good friend's husband and we lost contact for ten years. Happily we got back in touch but it was several years after the reconciliation before I asked her husband what the issue had been. It all turned out to be a total misunderstanding but my point is we didn't 'go there' until the friendship had been firmly re-established.

Little steps?

Next time you see him, ask for a thank you?

rubylady yes it was my husband who gave a 'good talking' to his nephew.

All sound advice ladies which I will take on board. Done Christmas together, done wining and dining too but time isnt ripe yet.

If I lived on a house where someone bigger stronger fitter younger struck me and took to their room and did not give me the time of day.... My first feeling was that. It must be poisoning the atmosphere and that I would be waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. Except I wouldn't . They would no longer be welcome in my house. If a husband were doing this you would be told to very nicely on Gransnet to see a solicitor. If on Mumsnet you would be told LTB. Why is this so different? And Ruby I am very sorry that you think my words are strong but step back and open your eyes. My initial thoughts were much stronger and I moderated them.

Make haste slowly SJP

rubylady you are a good! caring mum. You know your son best. Do what you think is right and do not be swayed by anyone else's opinion which can only be based on the limited information you give us in your posts.

Of course, if you feel at risk from your son you must take immediate action. But if not, and you feel there is enough good in him and in your relationship then follow your instincts. I feel uneasy about defining any young person in the terms you have used Stansgran.

What's 'LTB'? I can't find it on any acronym search.

Sorry, should have said that I couldn't find any acronym applicable in this case - Looking To Buy doesn't seem to fit.

Lunch time beers according to Urban Dictionary Not very appropriate either.

Leave the baxxxxx

ARE YOU CALLING MY SON A BASTARD?

I'M LEAVING THIS THREAD HERE, I WANTED HELP, NOT INSULTS AND THE LAST COMMENT WILL BE REPORTED.

That really is a case of remarks being twisted, soon was explaining what LTB meant. Stansgran was saying what would be said on MN about an errant husband. Please read what is said.

True, I am sorry Soontobe. I have reported the post from Stansgran however and I have asked her in a private message to leave me alone from now on as I think she has a very warped sense of the world and has no understanding of what a person can go through in their life if she thinks that a 17 year old should be "over" something deeply affecting from his childhood. (By the way, he is 17, still a child, legally). Maybe he should "pull himself together" eh? Maybe he shouldn't have feelings? Maybe he should be fed to the lions because he made one mistake???? Gosh, stansgran you must be squeaky clean!

The minority spoil these websites for the majority in my opinion because acid comments like that (he is an evil spirit, poisonous, loathsome, a user and he needs replacing - by Stansgran!) stop others from posting their problems and they go on being upset and confused in private when they could genuinely turn to others who are compassionate to help. I pity you, Stansgran because with such barbed comments you must have been hurt in life to make you turn out so bitter like this against someone who you don't even know. Just keep away from me in future as you will get no reaction from me as you really are not worth it.

Thank you to everyone else who has helped me and my son. I am to set up counselling for us both as I think this would help us both understand each other better as we move into his adult years and my Autumn years. He is finding his way better with college now and he is going to his first counselling session this week. Like I said, we all make mistakes, the thing is to learn from them and to not make them again. Time will tell but he is determined to get his problems sorted and then he can begin his adult life with a much clearer mind and hopefully happier, which we all want for our children, don't we?

Thanks annsixty. Yes, I was just saying what the initials meant, as two posters didnt know. Perhaps I should have been clearer.

I am glad that things are getting sorted rubylady.

It's good to learn that things seem to be settling down rubylady. I hope your son's counselling goes well and I think that counselling for both of you is an excellent idea.

It's a huge positive that you and your son can see that there is a problem and are willing to work together to find a solution. We suggested mediation to our ES but to no avail. Of course we cannot know for certain, but I can't help but wonder if we'd been able to keep the lines of communication open, that we wouldn't have lost him for good.

for your rubylady, your strength of character and your love for your son deserve acknowledgement and respect.

That sounds very positive, I do hope it goes well for both of you. Hopefully it will help to bridge some of that generation gap, and there will be lots of reasons why both of you react as you do that neither have you have been able to explain to each other before.