Dear Nelliemoser
You say you've got into a despairing mess with negative feelings for months.
I think you need to talk to your doctor because you sound depressed.
I second Cornergran's advice to contact family and friends . Sharing your feelings will help. Keeping a gratitude diary is a good idea too.
Doing a mindfulness course is a good idea but perhaps better postponed until you are feeling better.
You can always find some sunshine abroad if you want a holiday.
Last weekend, in Rutland, the first statue in Britain of the late Elizabeth II was unveiled.