Advice re daughter

BradfordLass72
That is very good advice, thanks. Problem is I know that is not her fault but she does take after her Dad., and I do have concerns. Hopefully SS will realise that it isn’t just the past toxic relationships but she herself that needs guidance.

The only thing I can suggest that others have not, is that perhaps you could sometimes see your grandchildren separately. One at a time that is. Make them feel special.

It sounds to me as if they are craving love and positive attention - hence the bad behaviour. Children misbehave to get attention = love, because they can't articulate their needs.

Maybe start with a half-day with your youngest gc, doing crafts or whatever delights them (nature, space, dinosaurs) another walk or play in the park?

You don't say what age they are but I have a feeling they need a safe haven they are not getting from Mum. Not implying she's violent, not for a moment, just that she doesn't know how to meet their needs as she's so busy trying to work out her own.

agnurse thanks for that, I’m not going behind her back just keeping confrontation to a minimum.

The relationship between abused children and their parents is often very complex. Yes, he wasn't a nice person. Yes, he was horrible to you. But, he's her FATHER. For her to admit that he isn't a nice person and that he did terrible things is for her to admit that her childhood (at least the period where you and her father were together) wasn't safe. One of her most basic needs - safety - wasn't met. That's very hard for someone to acknowledge.

You can't force her into counselling. The most you can do is be there for her as much as she will let you and try to develop a good relationship with your GC (but don't do it behind your daughter's back).

Thanks for replies and advice. Yesterday we took grandkids out, long walk, park and a snack, without Mum. All went very well. Definitely the way to go.

You say your daughter treats you with contempt.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, there is little chance of improving your relationship as long as she maintains that attitude.
Focus on your grandchildren as much as you are able, and your other daughter.

She loves her father , doesn’t excuse her behaviour with you but perhaps her father fills a need

I don't think you can do anything else really. Carry on loving her and the GC and accepting them as they are. Maybe with time she will change. It is easy for her to blame her problems on others. Maybe in time she will ask for help. Try not to criticise and just carry on being loving. Please let us know how it goes.

Anna that is what I try to do, but, it is hard work youngest is a nightmare.

If your GC and daughter come as a package then make visits shortish and sweet for their sakes and ignore daughter’s behaviour and concentrate on the GC.

Yes she does get on with my husband. I just don’t understand why she is so close to her father, after what he did. She seems to blame me or anyone else she can for her problems.

The fact that your eldest daughter has had toxic relationships, no man in her life at the moment, is why her kids are badly-behaved. Your daughter perhaps has had relationships with unsuitable men because she saw that you did (you say your husband was violent and she witnessed that). I cannot understand, then, why she would want to see her father (your ex). She obviously seems to resent YOU, though.

You could still have a relationship with your grandchildren, possibly see them without your daughter being there?

Does your daughter get on with your husband?

She won’t consider counselling, unfortunately ?

Sorry to read of your difficulties, the only thing I can suggest is that you go together for the first couple of counselling sessions & then allow the counsellor to guide you thereafter. Best wishes