Daughter is not talking to me

I am 72 and my husband 75, we live in the Midlands and my daughter lives in Kent. I have breast cancer and undergoing treatment, albeit, nothing too intensive yet but when she has her hip replacement we will be going down either driving for 3 hours or going by train. It is what families do. When my sone was in hospital in London for 7 weeks a few years ago I was there every day even though I left my husband 200 miles away.
Of course it is up to you but do not be surprised if your daughter feels abandoned.

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If there comes a time OP when you need help like your daughter did, when you're on your own and not able to move or you're even bed bound after a serious operation, I really hope you don't expect your daughter to help you in any way shape or form.

Infact I hope she sends you flowers explaining that she has a cold.

Good answer March

Nana. my daughter is married, he is a kind man and does much more to help than my husband ever did.
He has a very demanding job so he is barely in the house, and apparently he could only take a few weeks off. It is really down to them to sort things out, they can't expect her father and I to do everything. We have done our bit. More than our bit. She spent the best part of a year in hospital when she was a child, and I was there for her! We both were. It never stops.

I am hurt that she thinks we don't care. What more does she want me to do? I call her but she never answers the phone. I text and she hardly replies. What more can I do?

I am not a troll, I am asking for advice.

As a new member you have NO idea of the health problems of posters and how they overcome/ deal with them to help their families when they're in need.
A quick tally would show many on here suffering sore knees/hips/shoulders. Or broken limbs /chronic illness. Recent or imminent operations. Difficult chemo or radiotherapy.
Even colds and infections that need anti-b's!
Many suffering grans are much older than you but do their damnedest to be there when necessary and only very reluctantly say no when they have to.
I won't buy into this windup/ pity party. All my sympathies are with your daughter.

I’m afraid actions speak louder than words Old .

So your daughter has a husband who is rarely there , not surprised she needed some help .

I hate to break this too you but ‘it never ends’ she is your child whether she is 4 or 40. Of course you were there for her when she spent a year in hospital - where else would you have been ?

I’m sorry you’re hurt but if you truly cannot see why she might not want to have anything to do with you then I’m sorry for your short sightedness.

My husband calls us old and past it, and I think we must compared to everyone on here. Our health problems can't be helped.

I will talk to him and see if we can go and see her in the next few weeks.

Well said mcem

Please do go and see her.
I think it's the only thing which might help the situation.

Thank you for your replies, it seems that no one understands what is like to lose a daughter, to have my grandchildren growing up miles away. I didn't choose for her to live a hundred miles away! She choose to leave us, and broke my heart. She used to come and see us every fortnight, she hasn't bothered for such a long time. I am sorry that I need to explain why we feel so old, or that others have worse problems. With my daughter it has always been one thing after another. Nothing is ever enough!!

Lots of people have adult children living miles away; thousands of miles, for some.

missadventure. I would go and see her but she has just said it is too late now. I have just texted her.

So it looks like she doesn't want to see us anyway. Do you see what I mean now? Its not me. I am trying to do the right thing.

My husband said we should just leave it now, we have offered and clearly she doesn't want us there.

Oh dear.

Oh, how sad oldandpastit.
I hope you can make amends, bit by bit.

I suspect your daughter may feel it's too little, too late, but you're her mum, so I hope she doesn't shut you out for good.

I have been made to look really bad on here, but I have done my best for both of my children.

The problem is that if you come across to her as you do on this thread - you really don't sound very bothered about her - at least not enough to put yourself out when your holidays, sister, cold, and own feelings all come first.

Your adult daughter has had 2 very serious surgical interventions plus a cancer scare and her own mother refused to prioritise her at all! Most families would rally around during a major medical crisis - but you chose not to do that. Can you not understand that she is feeling very hurt when she had a terrible accident and major surgery and you didn't even bother to see her?

Let's try it the other way and see how it sounds.

My mother is very upset. She had her hip replaced recently. She did have some complications. We live 200 miles away and have small children so we can't always be there, plus the kids have been sick recently.

Last year Dad got really sick. Mum was mad that we didn't help her because we had booked a vacation in Spain and we promised the ILs we were going to be there.

I had my hip replaced last year and it wasn't all THAT bad. Mum just needs to get on with it.

Everyone would be appalled, wouldn't they?

I am 81 and still managed to go visit my Daughter and child mind over half term , My eldest Daughter came with me and we had to drive to the airport , get on the plane , take a tram , then a bus , it is what Mums do

I’m afraid old , you’ve made yourself look bad .

I’m off this thread because I can’t believe it.

Oh my word I can’t believe what you are saying I m 74 and fly to another country to babysit’ in fact I m going next Month as my daughter has to go away
I don’t drive or have a car either and takes me three trains to get to the airport I don’t blame your daughter for thinking if you can go to Spain on holiday why can’t you make it to hers, her father too not just you
I m sorry but you don’t sound at all caring of your daughter
who seems to have a run of bad luck healthwise she’s had a broken leg with complications and you didn’t see her She’s has a total hip replacement and you haven’t seen her She’s had a cancer scare and you haven’t bothered apart from a text I really can’t believe this is for real
It’s all about you isn’t it and you don’t even sound at all sorry or surprised over your treatment of your daughter

Unbelievable

It IS absolutely you OP.
I've never read a more self centred thread in my life! Your poor daughter!

Your daughter needed you TWICE after TWO serious operations.
First time you went on holiday and second time you had a cold and had the cheek to explain to your daughter, the one who had a hip replacment with complications, that the reason your couldn't come and help her was because you had a cold.

My dad had terminal cancer and still offered and managed to take his grandchildren to school in a morning on his 'good days'.
He was literally dying and he still managed to put his Daughter and Grandchildren above himself.

I'm off too. This thread has given me the rage. Infact I'm going to text my mom to see if she wants a glass of wine and I'm going to give her a massive hug.

I have arthritic shoulders and knees too and exercise is THE BEST THING for it!