Christmas Lunch

No! I was actually told by my son that it is primarily a visit for A to see her family! It really is beyond belief isn’t it? Not just me being grumpy?

Now I’m feeling tearful all over again
My middle son lives overseas as well but visits once a year with his family, I go there once a year and we do regular FaceTime, it’s a completely different scenario with the eldest.

It’s not actually about Christmas lunch, it just seems a kick in the teeth to me and his family.

Sorry I’ve hijacked the thread! Lots of us in the same or similar boat it seems.
Eldest son is a high flying highly paid executive living a life of luxury with maids etc, a far cry from our life here which is just normal!
I had a super critical complaining mother in law but I was completely respectful and shared holidays etc equally with my parents.
Their dad and I were divorced many many years ago but there is no tension so can’t blame that! And the other 2 sons don’t have the same attitude to local family life at all.

Storynanny it's true. You are not alone. On reflection I have children who care and visit and one who never bothers.
And many others are the same. People are different and some children will be closer than others. You can't make someone feel differently. All you can do is know and show that you care and enjoy the times you do see family, and get on with your own life.

Absolutely annepl , you are so right. Fortunately I have 2 amazing step daughters with young families locally who I love dearly. Who wouldn’t dream of not including their in-laws.
Mantra.... everyone is different ( even if you brought them up to be considerate!)

No good deed goes unrewarded.

I think it is a hard lesson to learn as parent of adult children, that they don’t automatically have similar ways of doing things as they grew up with.

It is. It takes a while to feel ok with it.

You've been too accommodating in the past so now they think you'll fall in with whatever they want,tell them how you feel and make your own plans for future Christmases

I don't think anyone should let themselves be upset by it all. Our kids are often tactless and brutally honest with us. I prefer it as I wouldn't want them to be polite and deceptive. Arrangements for Christmas are often a tricky balancing act with in-laws and friends to consider, too.

As we get old and doddery, there comes a time when we are no longer the host for dozens, but merely a guest elsewhere. It takes adaptation and lowering of expectations on all sides.

It's just a day to enjoy. There is no fairness or taking turns here. One child lives in NZ, another a three hour drive away, the third's partner doesn't host or cook - so it's always the fourth one we descend upon - but, luckily, she doesn't mind and enjoys it all.

My only contribution, these days, is to take them all out for a meal in December or January.

bingo12, I thought the saying was ^no good deed will go unpunished^

I wouldn't do that if I were your step son, girlfriend or no girlfriend. If my girlfriend objected then I'd consider my relationship with her and her's with my family. For me it would be a red flag. But that's me and my way.

That’s a good point naheed

Lots of marriages are dominated by one partners wishes and it works for them. No point in starting to worry about it.

And that's how the world becomes a worse place, annepl. What kind of person would tear or hurt families. A nice, considerate or a grateful one in this case wouldn't do that. For me, it's unacceptable. It's important to deal with it by noticing it, acknowledging it and not turn into such people who abuse their power to hurt family members. I'd be polite and pleasant to them but I wouldn't get close to them or expect anything from them. I'd live with my hurt but live it the best I can despite it all. I'm attracted to people who bring people together because they make our world a better place for all.

Naheed I just don't see the point in Storynanny worrying about her son's marriage. It won't help her to feel better and she wouldn't be thanked for interfering.
You can make the most of things and be happy Or you can be angry at circumstances and let it destroy your peace of mind.
My children are happy, that's the important thing.

Healthy in the head and happy people won't disperse unhappiness and hurt around themselves. They do exist and people around them have to find civil ways to cope with it personally and take care not to make matters worse. Interfering, which you mention, is one of them. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources available to help us in these situations personally and to avoid conflicts/make matters worse.

we as daughters, sisters, wives, ex-wives, mothers, daughters in law, sisters in law, mothers in law have a choice to make things better or worse for our families. our real characters shine through our behaviours towards them.

I'm not sure what you're saying Naheed but I don't really want a debate.

No problem, annepl

If you're saying that you should have been invited solely because you provided them with so much, what you're really saying is that:

1. Your gifts had strings attached to them. Therefore, they weren't really "gifts" at all.

2. You have a right to be at their home and in their lives.

These are adults. While I agree that it wasn't the best of manners to indicate that you were the plan B, who they invite to their home is their own business.

Agnurse we don't intrude in their lives though we do stay in regular contact and get on well. We helped them to get on the property ladder so we could see them settled no for any reward.
I was just disappointed that when they decided to take their first turn at hosting Christmas Day they did not even thinks about inviting us and their sibling .
Storynanny I hope you manage to have a good Christmas.

Seasider I hope you both enjoy your Christmas day. Perhaps you could invite them for New Year. We sometimes go to my son's on NYs day.

Thank you we will. Local step families have 3 little ones so it’s always fun. You all too.

So just looking back on this thread and hope everyone is ok, I’ve just read a thread about estrangement and to be honest for one moment I felt like actually asking if eldest son if he had any interest at all in a relationship with me.
I’m feeling so down today as apparently they flew last night ( I only saw through a third party post on social media) and will be in same country as me but I won’t see them until my allocated slot in over a weeks time.
I need to get over this don’t I, and smile at all the other good things in my life.
Best wishes everyone and keep smiling!