DH has been friends with his mate since they were in their teens. They are both in their 60’s now. The mate lives with his female partner. Before COVID we saw them fairly frequently and have even been on holiday with them a few times.
Tbh I have always tolerated them for the sake of my DH. However, over the last two years we have not seen them much and we have both come to realise that we really enjoy not seeing them and don’t want to see them anymore.
Are we being unreasonable because it is such a long time friendship? OR
Are we being reasonable due to the following:-
*The mate is an anti vaxer and does not practise safety measures such as mask wearing and physical distance procedures. He would hug you if he could.
*He doesn’t believe in global warming affecting climate change. We do and although there is nothing wrong in having different view points but he won’t even try to see both sides like we do.
*He is always trying to give us stuff we don’t want and we end up having to get rid of it. To date we have had to get rid of a fridge, a bike, a piano, a trailer etc and we have even had to refuse a gift of money to buy a vehicle which my DH was insulted by.
*His partner has always made snide comments towards me over the years which I ignore to keep the peace. More often than not it has been in private but she has let one or two things slip in company and people have noticed.
*She is very opinionated, pushy and false.
*Anytime on holiday it’s always what they want to do as my DH doesn’t ever want to upset the apple cart!
Anyway, it is difficult because we are all part of a bigger friendship group. It has transpired over the last two years that the other couples in the group don’t really like them either. They are all much more down to earth like us and we gel really well. We have found this out since our many zoom calls and also a couple of holidays away in the group but minus mate and his partner. The dynamic when we all get together without them is fantastic and we can relax. Any time they have been there it has been strained and that has made it stressful.
However, we still feel bad about deserting them.
Are we being unreasonable?
Gransnet forums
AIBU
Trying to go NC with long term friends.
(21 Posts)No, only see socially who you want to see. Make excuses and eventually the penny will drop. Life’s too short and the minuses outweigh the pluses.
It’s more complicated in the group situation but maybe your friends will come round to your way of thinking.
We had that situation in our Bookgroup and just gave the —pain in the bum—offending member the sack.
don't be a people pleaser to the detriment of your own true selves.
you owe them nothing.
just don't contact them.
if they contact you, be vague, don't agree to anything.
It sounds a bit like you give in to them all the time. You can say no, and stick to it, when they want to give you things. You can say no to the activities they have chosen. This is not a mutual two way friendship and you've allowed that.
It's a bit trickier that they are part of a wider group. I'd just politely keep my distance, if you want to remain friends with the others. If you learn to say no and be comfortable with that, it should be able to be done.
COVID has given everyone a chance to reset their parameters of friendship (s) they want to have going forward.
It seems counterproductive to carry on being friends when lockdown has shown you that it’s all abit stressful, and as you say you don’t want really to reconnect. I would be very vague if they get in touch. I hope you can carry on seeing the other friends perhaps when the other couple are not there.
It’s difficult, good luck.
Regarding the unwanted ‘gifts’
Just Say No.
That doesn’t sound like a friendship; it sounds like a power trip on their part. Patronising at the least. A good excuse to get out of it.
There are plenty more friends to make out there. Go for it??
If they aren’t behaving responsibly regarding covid, which isn’t going away quite yet, that is a perfect excuse not to see them. Just tell them. If your OH is too wimpy to, then you’ll have to! Unwanted gifts - how on earth could they force you to have a fridge? Just say ‘no’.
Who accepts a piano they don’t want. ?
It's an ideal time to simply refuse to be in the company of the unvaccinated. If you never contact them, drop them from your Christmas card list and (as others say above) be vague when they contact you, eventually they should give up.
I think this is your husband’s call, not yours. Why doesn’t he go out with his mate, who he’s known for 50 years or so, on his own to have a beer, and talk things through with him? That seems kindest to me, rather than go no contact with no explanation - and maybe they will reach an understanding and want to meet just the two of them in future if it’s not gelling in the group.
Thank you all. The stories of how we received these unwanted things might make fascinating reading to some but it would reveal who we are.
@Ohmother - yes they are very patronising and more
@Calendargirl - they don’t take no for an answer but will have to from now on ?
@Cafeaulait - it’s my DH who gives in to them and because it’s his friends he has always had the final say. He hasn’t wanted to upset them but I’ve put my foot down since he told me he feels the same way about them as I do.
Good advice from everyone and yes, we will have to be firm.
They bring nothing to your life but negativity. True friends are there for each other in good times and bad but these people are drains, not radiators. Switch them off.
The onus for dealing with this situation has to be on your husband; this is a long term friendship and he has probably known this man longer than you. I presume neither of these people are vaccinated which gives a perfect reason for not mixing with them, although I wonder why they were not included in your many zoom calls where you discovered nobody else liked them either. You have found a different group of friends to play with in a different part of the playground; just don't be surprised if you husband turns on you in later years and blames you for separating him from his 'best mate.'
I hope the 'we' is stronger than the 'I've put my foot down.'
Who needs friends like that? They sound very difficult and you are not being unreasonable.
Sometimes sadly friendships come to an end, however long they have been going for.
Your DH has been hanging on to this friendship through a false sense of loyalty and it really is up to him to end it as it is obviously making him feel uncomfortable.
I think you also need to start to say no a few times - if the partner makes a snide comment, wherever you are, there is no reason, in my opinion why you have to let it pass - just a comment saying something like " that's rather unkind" or something similar.
Maybe arranging a few more get togethers with the other friends without this couple is the way to go or just saying no a few times will work! If your husband feels the need to still stay in contact, that will be up to him!
@eazybee - sorry I probably didn’t explain things properly. In putting my foot down - that was more over the unwanted items. I would never, ever expect my DH to give up a friendship, especially one that has lasted so long. We have no objection to the male friend meeting up with DH on his own on occasion just the couple together as it is really insufferable for us both.
@eazybee - sorry I probably didn’t explain things properly. In putting my foot down - that was more over the unwanted items. I would never, ever expect my DH to give up a friendship, especially one that has lasted so long. We have no objection to the male friend meeting up with DH on his own on occasion just the couple together as it is really insufferable for us both.
@easybee
Where did you get “best mate” from? He isn’t and nowhere didI say he was!
Ow jezra your last comment is very defensive! “Best mate” is a figure of speech. Doesn’t really matter if the person is best, second best, acquaintance or whatever. But why would you put up with someone who annoys you and they AREN’T best mates?
You're definitely being reasonable. Mood hoovers are never worth keeping in your social circle. And as for being anti-vax and anti-climate, that's just the attitude of someone who's pale, male and stale.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »