DH inviting people over for dinner

What are you getting out of this relationship. It sounds awful.

It doesn't sound like you are whinging to me and I bet lots of women read your post re the BBQ and you doing everything else and can replay a common scenario in their own relationship, I know I can. You need to talk to him about making decisions without talking to you though, it's not fair if you are scrimping and he is spending.

Say to him if he is going to a BBQ in his invite he needs to shop for it all himself, even if it means he goes to M&S and buys pre prepared stuff!

Just go out a few hours before his visitors are due to arrive. Tell him you already had other plans. The cinemas/art galleries are re-opening so you can’t find somewhere else to be.

After a couple of times he might get the message that he needs to talk to you first!

You say you have been saving madly to pay off the mortgage - then you have a nice little nest egg to enable you to leave this very inconsiderate man. Yes, go out before and 'oh sorry, you should have checked, i have plans'. Think seriously though about staying, it is clearly making you unhappy.

There’s a lot more going on here than him inviting friends without consulting you first. The mortgage, for instance, is a huge concern. Also, the fact that he keeps 75% of his wages, but is frequently overdrawn. You clearly need to speak about these serious issues. Incidentally, what exactly does he contribute to your relationship, apart from cooking the barbecue and being mr nice guy to your visitors?

I love 'impromptu' barbecues, so not being consulted in advance would not bother me. However I would not bother to tidy the house or cook extra food and we always shop together anyway. I would buy some ready prepared salads and rolls etc. If he won't share the shopping, tell him you won't have time to do it as you're working and send him out with a list.
What is more concerning to me is the way he manages finances. If, as would appear from your post, you each keep your own money separate, then you need only to save for your half of the mortgage. Remind him regularly that he will need to save for his half. As he keeps his own money, you can't really decide for him how he spends it.

OH I'd being unreasonable and irresponsible by inviting people without discussing with you first. I'd would be inclined to give him a notepad, tell him to write the shopping list and then go shopping himself the next time he does this. He might be a bit more considerate if he has to do all the shopping and preparation as well as cooking the BBQ!
I thinks it's an image thing with some people and my OH now knows better not to invite anyone without discussing it first with me; we were well and truly taken for granted during Christmas a few years ago........never again!

Can people not write their own list, how do they navigate life.

Let him do the cooking,he may think twice about inviting without your knowledge.

Your interest only mortgage is much more a problem than any amount of BBQs or dinners
If your DH invites people over fine but make sure he does all the shopping and cooking
Sorry OP but it appears he treats you with disrespect and is sticking his head in the sand

As you say PinkCosmos the invitations are part of a much bigger problem. It seems to me that your husband takes you very much for granted and you are the mainstay of the family both financially and in all other ways.
You really need to sit down with your husband and sort out these issues particularly the matter of finances. You appear to be getting very little from this relationship, I tend to agree with Newatthis you have a nice nest egg to strike out on your own. Let this selfish man sort out his own life.

I would show him this thread and let him read the replies that might pull him up sharp. What a selfish pain in the rear he is. I hope he sees my reply.

DH did that ...... once!

Same here kali.

He makes me ashamed of my sex.

I have spoken to him time and time again about the need to save to pay off the mortgage. He just says he will extend the mortgage or borrow the money to pay for it. He doesn't see it as an issue.

He is self employed and says he will just carry on working. He has a physical job so I am not sure how long he can carry on for. He is physically fit at the moment but who knows what could be around the corner.

I look after the joint account. He does not have access to it. In the past he has spent his own money and then drawn money out of the joint account. I cut his card up.

We do not have a bad life but, as other posters have said, I just feel taken for granted. We have been together for 30 years and married for 25.

I don't feel emotionally connected to him because of the issues we have around finances. He comments that I don't show him affection, which is true and is an issue. I find it hard to separate our disagreements about money from our love life. I feel that we are in a downward spiral.

I feel like I am in an 'I love you but I don't like you' place at the moment. It is all because of his attitude towards money.

He is not a bad person. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs etc. I just feel like were are not a team.

I'd seriously think about walking away just before the mortgage has to be repaid, with your nest egg, if it's enough to buy you somewhere else. I hope that you've got your nest egg somewhere we he can't find it.

It's possible that he's hoping to extend the mortgage but it might not be possible, given your ages.

There is no thought to proper planning by your husband. He does sound rather selfish regarding money it's something you need to discuss. He has obviously been like this for years. If you are prepared to put up with this make changes and stick to them
I would bring up the subject of barbeques. Tell your husband that it's not acceptable inviting people without discussing it with you.
If you both decide its a nice day for friends and a barbeque you will write a list of what shopping that's required. Your husband will shop as you will be busy preparing for the barbeque. Tell your husband this is the way it is going to be from now on.

PinkCosmos if he has any sense at all he will sort that mortgage whilst he has the income to cover it Age is not on his side and changing to a repayment mortgage really needs to be done now Leander do not look favourably on a term which extends over the age of 70
I do know a little as I have been married to a mortgage broker for a very long time He did the same with out interest only but before he hit 60
Also those that are saying the OP should just walk away She will still be liable for that mortgage

rosie1959

PinkCosmos if he has any sense at all he will sort that mortgage whilst he has the income to cover it Age is not on his side and changing to a repayment mortgage really needs to be done now Leander do not look favourably on a term which extends over the age of 70
I do know a little as I have been married to a mortgage broker for a very long time He did the same with out interest only but before he hit 60
Also those that are saying the OP should just walk away She will still be liable for that mortgage

I have been trying to tell him for the last few years that we need to sort this now and not when the mortgage is due. He just doesn't want to listen.

He has always been hopeless with money. In the past he had a very well paid job so money wasn't so much of an issue then.

I don't want to keep working beyond my retirement age because I can't afford to give up work. I have a private pension but have never been a high earner so it isn't much.

Dinahmo

I'd seriously think about walking away just before the mortgage has to be repaid, with your nest egg, if it's enough to buy you somewhere else. I hope that you've got your nest egg somewhere we he can't find it.

It's possible that he's hoping to extend the mortgage but it might not be possible, given your ages.

My nest egg wouldn't be enough to pay for another property and I would still be liable for the mortgage as it is in joint names

I definitely don’t think you are being unreasonable. DH did it to me once whilst we lived in Turkey. He just invited a few for a BBQ. It took me all day to shop and cook as we had both ex pats and Turkish friends. He did do the cooking with help from his mates, they all partied whilst I cleared up the huge mess they left after food and eventually went to bed. I was spitting feathers.

What an inconsiderate man! Why is he not putting towards the paying off of the mortgage? Why is he always overdraw? Sounds to me that he has all the fun whilst you do all the work. Personally I wouldn’t put up with this nonsense any more. And no, you are not whingeing just wanting an equal relationship.

I’d tackle him about it and expect some changes. If not, I’d seriously consider leaving. It seems to me he is just another man who gives little thought to his relationships until they fall apart and then express surprise!

The bbq invite is the tip of the iceberg

Next time he does it, let him do ALL the work - grocery shopping, cleanup, etc.
Sit down and relax

You dont have a marriage.
What is going to happen when he is unable to work? Whose salary is he going to waste?

Hithere

The bbq invite is the tip of the iceberg

Next time he does it, let him do ALL the work - grocery shopping, cleanup, etc.
Sit down and relax

You dont have a marriage.
What is going to happen when he is unable to work? Whose salary is he going to waste?

This is my worry. What happens if he is unable to work. He had a small private pensions which he could take at 60. He took a lump some and a very small monthly amount.

Needless to say, the lump sum has been spent!