Making a man out of a boy

cathy I dont think its just men that do this I have a neice who is just the same. I think its down to personality and not gender.

He's still very young at 23. Give him time.

By the way, women are usually very good copers.

Wait till he gets a girlfriend! Made all the difference to my dozy son.

Hat shopping on the horizon yet jingle

glass nothing more exciting than hat shopping have been doing mine for last 3 months its fab !!! now got the right one very OTT but who cares,just you wait jings
cathy don't worry about your boy even though my 2 DSs are Military trained boys sometimes with everyday stuff they are so thick I could scream,but if it is any help they both seemed to get their act together when they where just over 30 late developers or what ??

You don't say whether he as ever lived away from home.

I have five sons. The first went away to university at 18 and coped with everything.
The second was more of an home bird he stayed at home and did an apprenticeship. He was more of a worrier and would always need encouragement and help with stuff........Will you ring the bank, garage, sort the insurance please mum/dad. He's 28 now and has been paying a mortgage for 3 years (he needed help with that too!). He didn't have a girlfriend until he was 27. They are all different.

We still have 3 teenage sons at home. Life's certainly not dull.

I'm sure your son will be fine.

I'm not a grandad of course but I'm sure one will come along soon.

An expression I dislike intensely - and I know you didn't use it cathy - is 'man up'. It implies that to show certain emotions or to ask for help in difficult situations are somehow un-masculine. As if we weren't all different, no matter whether we're male or female. I particularly dislike it when it's used to a young boy when he's feeling stressed and giving way to what might be callously referred to as 'girly' feelings.

Cathy My DS once rang me from a petrol station to ask how to put petrol in the car. I told him to ask the lady behind the counter
And DD2 texted me from France where she was living in student accommodation to ask how to unblock a sink!

My friend's dd once rang her from Paris to ask what time it was!!!

23 is very young these days, in my limited experience the behaving like a grown up doesn't happen until nearer 30 - and my 41 year old single son still rings me for all sorts of practical advice, and for a hug when he is miserable.

What I have learnt is that we have produced a generation of softies that find it difficult to get on with the necessary without help.

I was very wet behind the ears when I left home and got no help what so ever and truly believe that not getting help made me stronger.

I asked for help the once, when I had my first child and was refused it, but again it made me a stronger person, I only asked the once and never ever asked again.

I don't want my son to be the kind of person that has to phone his Mum and Dad every time he has a life problem

anno I do get were you are coming from but I want my son to be strong and be able to cope with life, I am not sure if that makes me a horrible person or not but it is how I feel.

Also I do believe that there is still a difference between Men and Women because it is still the women that have the baby. The situation my son faces is his Fiance wants to be a stay at home Mum, now if he does not sort himself out, how on earth is he going to cope with taking care of a Family

I despair I truly do

Perhaps he's not really ready to marry? He is still young.

I'm glad we can be here for our children.

Can't be anything wrong with giving some support, no matter what their age.

He really wants to though, he really wants a family and to get married this is why I worry because he can barely take care of hiself

True j08 but there is a Big difference between giving support and having to help with things that you should not help with.

I have bought him a brand new car and give him £100 per week to help support him, as he has only just moved out and I also buy him bits of shopping

May I ask why, Cathy?? If he were still a student I could understand - but £100 a week? a brand new car? No wonder he still comes running - he doesn't need to know how to take care of himself if you continually come to the rescue. Support is one thing - a shoulder to cry on, a no strings loan if need be (rather than get into debt or borrow at extortionate rates of interest,) a "bit of shopping" if you must - but does he have a job? Is he looking for one? Is he on Jobseekers'? How can his fiance be a stay at home Mmum under the circumstances? Do they have a baby? - it's very young to be setting this sort of agenda. I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic I have only had daughters and they have proved entirely organised and independent - but knew we were here if the going got tough.

Cathy, your story reminds me of a previous thread, where in that case it was an ungrateful daughter. The parents had lavished money and time on their daughter so she had never become independent. In your case a son who is over dependent, which he will be if you sort out all his problems, supply him with cars and money, and what other things before that?

Stand back and let him solve his own problems, find his own money and struggle and trip and pick himself up, brush himself down and start again. If he comes to you give him an understanding ear, a bit of advice and the occasional meal but no money, no cars, nothing but advice. Within a year he will be up and independent.

Its so hard though because, take this morning,when he came home, he was just so stressed and yelling etc, it gets so dramatic and I find it very hard to deal with

It just felt more straight forward to help

Having said that things are changing and I am now saying no a bit more.

I believe it could be a confidence issue with him

You say that his fiancée wants to be a stay-at-home mum. Has it occurred to you that she sees you as a meal ticket?

No its nothing like that she is a lovely girl, its totally my fault I have allowed it all to go on and it is now down to me to fix it, and I will

That's a relief! The danger is that he might move from a dependent relationship with you to one with her. On the other hand it could be the making of him to become a dad and be responsible for children.

cathy it is hard to step back..but he should not be yelling at you to get his way.

If it happened again (the yelling) I would walk away and leave the room /house whatever it takes and say you will not discuss anything or give help when he yells.

I would also go with him to garage etc but make him do the talking/ explaining having talked it through with him..you start off the conversation and then get him to discuss the issues and finish the conversation. It is a system called 'back chaining ' I used it in schools to build confidence and skills. It really helps to be the 'completer' as it conveys a feeling of success.. like starting a zipper and getting the child to pull it up etc! Each time the adult reduces the amount they do.

worth a try..all the best