Hello
As lots of you will know, we have a sister site, Mumsnet. And we've been having a think about topics that GNers and MNers have in common, or might be able to share info on in a useful, supportive and hopefully interesting way.
Last month we collaborated with Mumsnet on this thread (and here) about the perimenopause, which we know they really appreciated.
So we thought we'd take a step into a slightly more controversial area (at least according to 1970s comedians): the relationships between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law - and top tips for how women can work together, inter-generationally, for the benefit of each other and for the DCs/GCs.
If you have a great relationship with your DIL, what advice would you pass on to others for achieving this? What's the one (constructive 
) suggestion you'd make to anyone who finds their DIL or MIL (from experience or now) a bit difficult?
If you could really speak your mind (perhaps you already can), what one thing would you say to your DIL - good, bad or indifferent? What does she already do that's amazingly thoughtful or joy-bringing or quietly constructive? And/or, what's the fly in the ointment?
And if you find your DIL difficult, and your relationship with her has broken down (or is close to doing so), is there anything either of you could do or say to start building bridges? Or are some relationships best left alone?
We should stress we're not trying to foment discord here; studies show that grandparents en masse give up huge amounts of time to help with childcare and/or give financial and emotional support to their children and their partners, and lots of parents know the joy of handing over their precious darlings to the grandparents and running away having a few hours/days off.
And we're not excluding fathers-in-law or sons-in-law, either - as ever, feel free to tell us about those relationships too. But of course the MIL/DIL demographic is likely to emerge strongly from a GN/MN crossover. And we thought it would be interesting to break through the pop culture perception of MIL/DIL relationships and see how you think the land really lies (in a completely unscientific way). Of course, you may even think the whole issue is hugely overstated, and that millions of MILs and DILs all over the country are just quietly getting on with enjoying their relationships and running their lives.
There will be a parallel thread running on Mumsnet about the same issue, and we'll be copying and pasting comments between the two - so if there's something you'd like to ask a community of DILs, now's your chance. And of course do feel free to get yourself a Mumsnet log-in and pop over to say hello.
Over on the Mumsnet thread these posters have said...
CMOTDibbler:
"My relationship with MIL isn't bad, I just don't really have one tbh. I'm certainly just the person who is married to her son - she'd never text or phone me. But then she doesn't contact dh either. They go on holiday from Easter to mid July, and in that time they have phoned once and made a couple of fb comments. The phone call was for ds's birthday.
I'd like the PIL to take interest in their son, and grandsons life. We strongly get the feeling that they've been there, done that as dh's brothers are much older and had their children younger and the contrast is marked. They had the other GC to stay, babysat, went to school plays etc. Ds has been with them on his own for about 16 hours in his life - he's 8, and that took a lot of dh badgering them.
I'd like PIL who were genuinely interested in our lives, and who made the effort to know us and ds. Even if they didn't want to have him on his own, the odd offer of 'we saw x in the paper, fancy a day out' would be lovely"
Mrsgrumble:
"I have a lovely MIL. She is a good friend and I would miss her terribly of I didn't have her in my life. She rings me just to see how I am. She always brings me into the kitchen for a little treat (like a baileys or something)
She is very grateful for us visiting. As mil is elderly, we don't have practical support from her but that's ok with me. The way I see it, she's done her time of minding others.
One thing that works is we don't live on each others doorstep. I wouldn't like a mil who commented on the fact I batch cook so take a break from cooking, or knew how much I spent on things. Mil isn't nosey and is intuitive so she doesn't pry but I know she is there if I need her.
She often tells me how lucky she is to have m in her life too."
HomeIsWhereTheGinIs:
"I'm really lucky - my MIL is lovely and really kind. She adores her son and has really welcomed me into the family. She does have rose tinted specs where he's concerned ("Oh no, your DH didn't have a single tantrum when he was a child, not one...") but she's got a massive heart and she's always been really considerate about respecting boundaries, to the extent that I wish she wouldn't so much!
We both love her son / my DH more than life itself and I know that she's going to be a wonderful grandmother. I think it's mainly about finding something in common with them and trying not to be hostile or feel that they're intruding into your life. My DH was her son first, so I don't think it's odd that she still wants a relationship with him. I'm just glad she includes me.
PS: I also make a real effort with her - I'm going to be a MIL one day and I hope my DIL does the same! It takes just a couple of minutes to hav ea quick chat on the phone or send a funny text but the rewards come back threefold. Families should see each other as support and friends rather than intruders."
BlondePieceOffFluff:
"I think that a lot of MIL-issues in reality are DH-issues in disguise. If DH's are clear on priorities and boundaries a lot of MIL-issues would be nipped in the bud and only amount to small episodes to laugh at."
Optimist1:
"I'm fortunate enough to have two terrific DILs. For my part, the fact that they are the chosen life partners of my children makes them VIPs in my life. I believe that taking a genuine (non-nosey) interest in them as people is an important part of developing a good relationship - talking to them about their friends and family, likes and dislikes and comparing notes. In this way we get to understand each others' values and standards, which is very useful when grandchildren come along.
I'm not sure whether my experience is down to me being a stupendously wise, sensitive and insightful person or to the DILs being remarkably tolerant, welcoming and humorous women ... perhaps a little of both! 
"
HumptyDumptyBumpty:
"I have a fab MIL, whom I love dearly. She is v kind, supportive, non-judgemental and funny. She's put up with a lot in her time mostly her twat of an ex-H and still does things like drive 150+ miles to babysit DD overnight every eight weeks or so, letting DH and I have a night out together.
I try to let her know how much I appreciate her, I contact her outside of her relationship with DH (badly worded, but you know what I mean), and I always get her one extra, special DIL to MIL pressie at Christmas and birthday usually a saucy book and posh chocs.
She's always been lovely to me, from the first time I met her, and frequently tells me how pleased she is to have a daughter at last. I proper luffs her! "
Goldmandra:
"My MIL died a few weeks ago and I've realised that I had no relationship with her at all.
She had fixed ideas of the type of person she wanted her DS to marry and I didn't fit them. She tried to stir trouble between us as soon as she knew I didn't fit her ideal and did her level best to make sure our wedding was as difficult and awkward as possible.
She never got over it and, about ten years down the line, I am ashamed to say I gave up making an effort. I organised the family visits a few times a year because DH would never have made them happen by himself and I insisted we invited her to join us for Christmas (enormous mistake) the year after FIL died. That is it.
I feel rather sad that I have absolutely no feelings of grief, only relief that I no longer have to arrange the visits and help her with paperwork, bills,etc. I sorted all her affairs after her death on my DH's behalf and felt a total fraud every time someone on the other end of the phone offered their condolences. It brought it home to me that others have something I didn't.
I am determined that I will never make my future SILs feel this way. I hoe I'm successful because I never want anyone to feel this way about me and I desperately want to be a part of my DC's lives and their DC's lives too.
Time will tell."
Think I must be the odd one out here because I'm always there when needed, never interfere in their relationships with each other or the children and keep quiet 99.9% of the time. Yet I always feel as if I'm treading on eggshells. Could it be that there is the extra complication of not being with their father [he left] and being with a partner who also doesn't get involved other than to help out 
? Sometimes I'm scared that any grievances will just burst out of me one day if I drop my guard.
My MiL died when I was 6mths pregnant with her first GC. I didn't have a relationship with her. Until we were engaged DH lived 50miles away from me so we spent alternate weekends at his or my parents houses. He then moved to my area, so we only saw my PiL 2-3 times a year. Consequently I didn't see enough of her to get to know her. Although she was always pleasant to my face .
My only son isn't married. DD relationship with her MiL is best described as 'strained'
I have two great DiLs now - both couples are engaged and one will marry in a few months. I think we're doing ok - I get to socialise with DiLs independently of my sons. One is very funny, open and able to engage in banter, but struggles to ask for help and even when I offer will say 'oh no, you do enough.' Then my son will ask and she can let herself accept help - maybe over time, she'll be able to ease up - she is very busy and insists on doing massive amounts of housework, ironing several baskets worth including my son's, who is well able to do his own, washing dishes by hand instead of using the dishwasher. I'm really happy that my son has met her - his ex-wife was a complete nightmare and caused terrible trouble, and DiL's ex was irresponsible and uncaring, so they both really appreciate what they have now, as do I.
My other DIL is lovely - quiet and reserved, obviously cares deeply for my son, and is a kind, thoughtful person. She is gradually easing into our family and learning that she can lean on me if she wants or needs to. We have much in common and I feel confident that as we spend longer with each other we'll have a good relationship. I feel lucky.
There's me as well Holly .
Sorry Tegan, I'm not aware of your situation. I do commiserate though if you don't get along with your daughter-in-law, I know how that can feel. As they say in law: if you can come forward 'with clean hands', at least your conscience is clear. We can't get on with everyone
It's not a DIL but sons, daughters, SIL's etc in general .
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