Grandaughter behaver worring me

These days it is known that even children can suffer from mental illness. I'd take her to her doctor just to make sure it's simply a behavioural issue to be managed and not a sign of depression etc.

Deb, you are a saint for raising the 2 gc who need you and, no, you don't have to buy your other gc all the same things you buy them. Yes, be equal about Xmas and birthday presents but that's all. Jealous dd and the other gc need to understand that it's as if the ones who live with you are your kids. You don't have to do for others everything you do for them.

It definitely sounds as if the 9 has emotional problems and maybe so does her mom. The baby will develop them, too, if she's exposed to too much of this horrible behavior. They need counseling, but that's up to their mom.

Agree with grannypiper's "rules," etc. Jealouse dd might cut you out, for a while, but maybe you and the grands you're raising would be better off. You can't do much to help the 9 or the 2, but you can help and protect the gc you're raising. In fact, it's really your job to do that, imo. So if setting new rules and perhaps even pushing the jealous ones away a little bit will make things better for the ones you're raising, then that may be a good thing. It may sound harsh, but it may be true.

About the ballet class, can you enroll the 10 in another one? And this time don't let the other cousins know about it?

Deb131. you are very brave and honest to set it all out like this. Unfortunately as the 9yr girl's mother will not accept that her behaviour is unnatural, there is probably nothing you can do to get help. It sounds as though she is very jealous of the 2 yr old sibling and is acting like the 2yr old to get affection. This is not surprising if she has had her mother to herself for 7 years. Also if she is fed stories of how her cousins that live with you are being spoiled and she is left out it all makes sense. Unfortunately this poor girl is a victim of her mother's lack of parenting skills. Your daughter needs help to be a mother - even wild animals train their babies and keep them in line but as you say she will not listen to you, your hands are tied. . Is there anyone else your daughter will listen to for advice and help? What does your husband think? If things don't change this poor girl may get into real trouble and be taken into care.
Would it be better for you to go to their house and take some good home cooked food, or have her round to your house sometimes without her mum and the toddler, and if she behaves like a 2yr old, completely ignore her until she stops. Or, you could take the two girls 9 & 10yr olds out say to the pictures or whatever they would like to do, and treat them the same, but make it clear that this outing is for grown up girks and she would have to behave like a grown up or you would all go straight back home. You could also make a point of thanking and /or praising the 9yr old on every possible occasion when she acts nicely. If she never does, then quietly thank/praise the other grandchildren when they deserve it (eg if they are polite, lay the table, finish their meal) so that maybe the girl will want to copy them to get some praise herself. It will take a lot of patience, and may take a long time, but it would be a shame to give up on her without trying.

Deb131 - are you going to come back and comment? It's hard to progress with support and info if you don't respond.

It sounds like a very difficult situation, which may need outside help. The school(s) your granddaughters attend could be a good source of information on where to find professional help.

deb - I really feel for you. You are successfully bringing up two GC, no easy task. And that is just the beginning of your concerns for your family.
The 9 year old is, it seems, very unhappy and envies her 10 year old cousin who lives with you. She wants have everything she has. She also may be copying her toddler sister who, because of her age, needs and hopefully gets, her mother's attention.
Try to get the older girl back to ballet class, the other children and parents there saw what happened and are likely to welcome her back. It's a pity to lose an activity she enjoys because of an unpleasant incident.
As another poster suggested, perhaps you could go with the 9 year old's mother to her school and discuss her behaviour there and what is being done to assess and support her. It is sad that she has no friends there, some schools have Buddy systems or involve children in activities at lunch times. Has her mother discussed her behaviour with their doctor?
You're in a difficult situation, try any possibility of getting help. There may be grants availble for school uniforms or nearly new sales at the school.
All the best, ?

You do not say how this difficult child behaves in school , is she OK there ? I do not see a teacher letting her behave like this in the classroom without something being done about it .

Deb I really feel for you, you sound as though you have the world on your shoulders. I think you need to find a family support worker. If i was you i would break this problem down into segments, firstly, my home, that is your domain and visitors including your Daughter and her children, must abide by your rules. You pay for who lives in your house, no-one else ! Your Daughter is a adult tell her to act like one and parent her own children and while she is at it pay for them.
If you have gaurdianship of your other Grandchildren then you will be entitled to child benefit, please look into that.
Your daughter may not like the new rules and no doubt will have a strop but she will need you before you need her.
Goodluck and please take care of yourself. &

Yes this problem is not going to be resolved quickly. I think the whole family need a strategy for helping this child with professional advice. Deb you need to take a step back and try to see the picture less emotionally, I know it's hard when your family is in trouble.

You all need professional help.

I really don`t know what to say, your post was quite difficult to read ! Your GD sounds very unhappy and is maybe acting out to get attention , does she get much positive attention from her Mum or only when she is behaving badly ? Your DD also sounds unhappy and jealous of the GC you bring up , you don`t say why you bring them up but maybe this has some bearing . She is bound to defend her own child it is only natural especially if she thinks the ones you bring up are favoured . A very unhappy situation for all concerned but maybe you could take this little girl out , just the two of you and spend some time just with her , maybe she will open up about what is making her feel so unhappy and angry with the world . Are you in the US?

You are in a tricky corner Deb. It sounds as though the 9 year old is wanting the attention that this behaviour gives her. I wouldn't know how to deal with it either. Could you maybe have a chat with your daughter when there are no children around? Although from what you wrote maybe that wouldn't work.
Are you in the USA?

Dear Deb, this sounds like a very difficult situation, and I'm not sure that it is something that the people on Gransnet can solve (I'd love to be able to help with advice, but I can't), perhaps someone else will come along with advice for you.

At least you can unburden yourself on Gransnet, which is bound to be a help. You seem to do a lot for your family, give yourself a break, you can't fix everything. None of us can.

Oh, for life to be simple...