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Unhappy relationship in retirement.

(9 Posts)
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Jue1 Fri 17-Jan-20 20:03:22

Our marriage has been great/awful for 44 years we have 4 children.
My issue is that throughout that marriage we have both been busy busy busy and the problems we are seeing now are magnified as we are thrown together full time.
My Dh has always been selfish with his time (not money), he used to drink regularly in pubs and had and has many hobbies. He has never been one for suggesting days/nights out or walking or joint ventures of any kind.
He prefers his male company, harsh but true.
I have had a very successful career often traveling but always putting our children first which has resulted in me having a superb pension etc and a great relationship with my children as they have grown up.
I refuse to be the housekeeper, the cleaner, cook and bottle washer. Sadly, this is where I am, but fighting against it.
As I speak, my husband is out playing snooker, has two horses, attends country pursuits etc.
I like him having interests and hobbies, I too launched a book club, have good friends, look after my grandson and have a great relationship with the kids..
I am unhappy.
We live separate lives have different interests and whilst I suggest lots of joint days/evenings he never, ever does and is unenthusiastic as well.
I have had the required conversations.
We have had the rows and it is getting worse as I continue to manage the house, finances etc..
I am no wallflower, I Have sought a wide range of interests.
However, we lead separate lives and no matter how I raise it he says the right things but he doesn’t change. The last thing I need is a forced evening out just to tick a box.
My DH is content and just does his own thing..
I am still unhappy and nothing changes.
Suggestions?

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Hetty58 Fri 17-Jan-20 20:11:44

I'd suggest that you don't rely on him to provide the happiness. I doubt he'll change. You need to seek happiness on your own, whatever that entails. You can merely share the house with him, if that suits.

Housekeeping, cleaning and cooking can be assigned to others (employ people) or minimised. Go for regular meals out. He can get his own food if he doesn't want to join you!

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Patsy70 Fri 17-Jan-20 21:02:17

Absolutely agree with Hetty. You are not dependent upon him at all, and are in fact happier when he's not around. What does that tell you? Are you able to lead separate lives under the same roof? Luckily, you appear to be in a position where you are able to employ people to clean etc. which gives you quality time to spend with your children, grandchildren and friends. Don't be unhappy, life is too short. flowers

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SANDY2020 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:37:20

If u can face the upset leave but if u have a good lifestyle and can lead separate lifes with no hassle go for it

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rosenoir Fri 17-Jan-20 23:33:30

If he does things he doesnt want to do just to please you it will cause resentment and bitterness, either live together and lead separate lives happily or live separately.

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Sara65 Sat 18-Jan-20 08:32:35

I agree with Hetty and Patsy.

You seem very self sufficient, and in a position to employ someone to help with household chores. Stop flogging a dead horse, he’s unlikely to change.

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Shropshirelass Sat 18-Jan-20 08:43:58

He seems to have his life without any consideration for you. He goes off on his own but is happy to come back and eat the meal you have prepared, in the house you have looked after and wears the clothes you have washed! Etc etc. I would definitely do a lot less for him and do your own thing, maybe he will appreciate you more if he has to fend for himself. Whatever happens do what makes you happy, be with your friends and use your house as a base to return to, after all that is what your husband is doing. Good luck, we only have one life, live it.

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sodapop Sat 18-Jan-20 08:51:27

I agree with Sarah65 your husband is not going to change now. It's really up to you if you want a separate life or you can continue with the status quo. You are fortunate to be financially independent Juel so the world is your lobster, don't waste time feeling resentful enjoy it.

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Scentia Sat 18-Jan-20 09:01:51

I can’t see anything in your post that suggests you have a cleaner at the moment etc..

I would first stop doing anything for him, if he wishes to lead separate lives then so be it, there isn’t a lot you can say to change his mind, it seems you have tried this and it doesn’t work.

If you have friends and a good relationship with your children you have the ability to live your own life.
I would just cook for yourself, just clear up after yourself and wash just your own clothes. I would insist that if he won’t clean the house on a 50/50 split you both employ a cleaner to do this.

These things may kickstart a new side to him or confirm that you are indeed living separate lives.

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