Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Friendship gone strange

(12 Posts)
Lollipoplove Thu 21-Oct-21 20:31:49

A friend contacted me 2 years ago after a falling out 16 years ago due to my friend always having to be right. Anyway I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Over Covid she rang me nearly every night with her troubles with her partner her mum how she still loved her ex husband she was drinking too much.
She visited me ( we now live 180 miles away as iv moved)
I visited her I had a nice time except every night I had to cook because she was too drunk then I had to put her to bed by 9.30 every night.
She has gone through breast cancer & told me her partners family were there for her as she fell apart.
I have a Stepmum who lives in her area who has pancreatic cancer & not much time to live so I was planning my trip to visit her. Her reply was you can’t stay at mine I said oh ok may I ask why. She said her partner said he couldn’t put up with the pair of us ( he wasn’t there the last I had stayed) I said but I’m not coming down to party it may be the very last time I she my Stepmum & I didn’t get drunk at yours once you were drunk every night I had to put you to bed & clear up all the mess you made ( she always spills food drinks crisps everywhere.
I asked her if she would like to see me when I’m down. She said yes but I don’t have any weekends free until after Christmas I said that ok I don’t mind seeing you in the week.
Then one day I was speaking to my best friend who asked me to pass on her apologies to said friend that she hadn’t replied to her text asking my best friend to let her know whenever she has a weekend free & theycould go out together or as a foursome!! Why would she lie?
I confided in her that I had found a lump in my breast & iv made appointment at Drs she said well don’t worry until you have something to worry about.
The day of my appointment she didn’t wish me good luck.
After my examination the Dr said “ this lump does feel worrying “. While waiting for mammogram & scan. I text her & another friend. My other friend replied straight away.
But this friend never replied so after a week I text asking if she’d received my text. She replied with just a yes.
I said why haven’t you been in touch. She replied with I have many friends that need my help which isn’t true as it was obvious when I visited her that she doesn’t have many friends . And she’s spent so much time hunting down old school friends & friends shed fallen out with years ago) so if that’s a problem maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I asked her how she could be so cold I told her it wasn’t good news. She replied I hope it works out well for you.
For all she knows I could have weeks to live!
I’m so hurt & shocked
Any help would be so appreciated x

MissAdventure Thu 21-Oct-21 20:41:54

Your friend sounds very unhappy, so I think you have to weigh up whether this is something you can take on board and accept, or decide it's time to move on from, and cut her out of your life.

A lot of friends turn out to be the fairweather variety, when times are hard, and I'm sure her drinking will also affect her.

Harris27 Thu 21-Oct-21 20:47:40

Not really showing good friend vibes is she? Let her go.

Shelflife Thu 21-Oct-21 20:52:46

My advice - keep well away !

Grandmafrench Thu 21-Oct-21 20:58:22

So sorry, but your 'friend' sounds like a total waste of space. The fact that she fell out with you 16 or more years ago and never wanted to put it right until, maybe, she'd exhausted the patience of many others should be a big clue. Her life is obviously a mess and you were useful to have around, just to listen to her complaining and pick up after her. You really shouldn't be surprised at how this was going to end - again.

She sounds totally self-centred and selfish, wrapped up in a life which is out of control. She's made it clear that she's not interested in you or your health problems or helping you in any way.

So switch off, break contact and give it up, you're worth so much more. Hopefully you can stay with or near to your StepMum, where your visit will be really welcome; and I hope that you get the help and support you need from real friends and family and that your hospital news will be less worrying for you when clarified. Please concentrate on caring for yourself, focus on positive things so that you can get through this episode and put this person from your past out of your mind completely.
And don't feel hurt or shocked - she will have done this to others.

I hope you will soon have a clean bill of health, but in the meantime turn your attention to yourself and refuse to waste any more time on worthless people. Try not to worry - good luck.

Nonogran Thu 21-Oct-21 21:12:23

How much do you really need her in your life? Drop her. She sounds most unpleasant.

BlueBelle Thu 21-Oct-21 21:20:28

You sound as if you have other friends so I don’t understand why you are hunting this one , why can’t you just let it be
You havent needed her for 16 years so why even loose a nights sleep over, her as the kids song says ‘Let it go’

sodapop Thu 21-Oct-21 21:21:53

Don't think this person is a true friend Lollipoplove I certainly wouldn't want to be clearing up after a drunk. Time to let this go I think.
I hope you have a clean bill of health too.

Urmstongran Thu 21-Oct-21 21:28:22

Alcoholics can be moody and behave very strangely. Are you really up for all this? It’s draining. I had a similar friendship. In the end, for my own mental well being, I had to let it go. I still miss her some days. We’d been friends for years and wasn’t always so bad.

crazyH Thu 21-Oct-21 21:42:10

She does seem to have problems. The alcohol is probably to blame. The fact she did not show any concern, when you had your recent health issues tells me she is a ‘fair weather friend ‘. You don’t need her in your life. You say the news, after your mammogram, was not ‘good’. Concentrate on yourself and your treatment. Hope everything goes well for you flowers

Smileless2012 Fri 22-Oct-21 09:34:05

You can either tell her that you wont be in contact with her anymore and why, or pull back over a period of time until contact ceases all together.

Either way she's not really a friend to you so you should let her go.

I hope that all will be well following your mammogram result; take careflowers

Lollipoplove Mon 25-Oct-21 18:25:15

Thank you for all your advice. It means a lot & iv decided to let her go. She’s not the kind of friend I need xx