Husband’s moods spoiling things

Your daughter takes you for granted and you take your husband for granted. Your daughter is grateful your husband is resentful you need to adjust the time you give to both of them.

Give your daughter a bit of space by not being so available see how that goes. Give your husband a bit more time in whatever way and see how it goes. In the meantime say nothing to either of them about it just do it. Give yourself a break from the tug of love you might enjoy the results who knows.

If your DGS is 15 (?is that right?) then your DD must be old enough to have a 15 year old and therefore old enough to deal with her own life.

What is it you do for her? - I had assumed that this was child care, but that is no longer needed.

List what you do for her, and how much time it takes up per week. Maybe when it is written down you will be able to think about it more objectively.

It is all about balance. If your OH was grumbling because you see DD once a week on an adult to adult basis then I would say he was being grumpy old git. But it seems this is not the scenario.

I have a friend that also does everything for her adult children. Her second husband who she had one child with eventually got fed up of it. He was a good man and had brought her eldest 3 up as her first husband died when they were very young. You sound very much like her. She was at their beck and call continually even after they’d left home. Even on holidays abroad she’d be continually on the phone to them. I find it odd. I love my sons and grandchildren dearly but find that level of involvement unnatural.

My friend’s husband eventually asked for a divorce and she’s now on her own. She has met someone else but they don’t live together and two years in he’s already making comments about this over involvement with family. I suppose it’s up to you but I think you’re being selfish and your husband should be given more consideration. However, you’re already thinking how it would be without him so maybe let him go.

I think Helicoptor parenting is the term to use here. Of course it's lovely to have a close relationship with ones children and grandchildren but as someone very wisely said on here a while ago, " your adult children and grandchildren are part of your life, not all of your life". You sound as if you take your husband completely for granted and yes, you need to sit down and discuss it with him properly. I hate sulking too, it's passive aggressive but maybe your husband has no other way to express his unhappiness.

FarNorth

^DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself.^

He's right.
You are not really helping her.

Is this the mum of your 15 year old grandson?
I think you were sad that he didn't really need you anymore. If so, I know you were pretty upset and felt your time had been "wasted".
If so, I wonder if your dear husband feels that now your grandson is nearly grown up it's time to let your daughter grow up too - and enjoy more time doing things just for yourself? Or together?

He may not be being mean and miserable - it might be his way of trying to protect you from yourself and at the same time encourage your daughter grow up a little?

The issue here seems deeper than his sulking really, though that is not a helpful way of dealing with problems! But the sulking is a response to something, a symptom not a cause!

I think that to find a way forward you and he need to have a proper conversation about how each of you feels, really listening properly to each others perspective. From what you have said so far this looks like:

You:
*love helping out when needed
*love spending time with your family
*see the helping as a way of seeing more of your family
*know your daughter relies on you but don't mind
*don't agree with his comments about being taken advantage of , don't mind if you are!
*are fed up of his sulking because you are with your family

He:
*doesn't like the amount of time you spend with /doing things for your family
*thinks you are being taken advantage of
*gets cross/moody/sulks when you are doing things with/for your family
*thinks you are doing your daughter no favours long term as you always "rescue" her

If you look at those lists, can you perhaps see the different views of the same scenario coming through? That is why a proper conversation is needed, really listening to each other. Followed by a discussion about ways forward to deal with the issue together that works for your partnership as well as your individual needs - acceptance of viewpoints, compromises, acceptance that the other might just have a point maybe?

I do also think that you need to think carefully about ensuring your daughter doesn't end up falling flat on her face if and when you can't help so much!

If I had to choose it would be family first.

So husband doesn't count as family ?

Says it all.

life, not like

But now and again I start thinking what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

Maybe he's thinking what would like be like without you Skydancer as he's the one who's unhappy with the way things are?

Is he moody because he isn't getting your time and attention?
Because that would be controlling behaviour and it's not right to tell you how much time to spend with family.

Or

Does he feel you are setting yourself on fire to keep others warm?
If your DD can't manage without you, that must be wonderful to be wanted and needed but can you keep up this level forever? Are you still able to enjoy plenty of time as a couple? Do your opans get dropped for you to go running? When does she learn to stand on her own feet?

I think you need to really think about where his thoughts are coming from because that would have a huge impact on how to resolve this

Perhaps your husband can see no end in sight to you doing so much for your daughter, and there probably won't be, unless one of you eases off a bit.
It sounds quite co-dependent (to coin a phrase)
Mind you, sulking won't fix it.

FarNorth

^DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself.^

He's right.
You are not really helping her.

I agree FarNorth I think you enjoy being part of her life Skydancer but maybe it's time for her to be a bit more independent and less lazy.
Time for an honest conversation and some compromise from you and your husband I think.

Skydancer

Meant to say he has a daughter to whom he’s close but she doesn’t live nearby. Yes he was intending spending all weekend on the project. We do loads together. We are NT members and go for walks, to pubs…all over the place. He says my family put on me. Maybe they do but I’m happy with it. Besides that, he’s welcome to come with me wherever I go but often doesn’t want to as he enjoys working. I just can’t stand sulkers as I’m not one and can’t understand it.

as you are happy doing things for your family, then that is your choice and your husband should respect that.
perhaps he did not realise when you got married that you would be doing so much with your own family and so feels left out?
I think you should talk to him about this, in a nice understanding way.

DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself.

He's right.
You are not really helping her.

I suppose it depends on a few different factors, but I would find it hard to be with someone I considered a bit of a doormat to their children.
Then again, I couldn't stand a sulker either.

Have you had a chat with your daughter about this, or is it non negotiable, for you?

But she’s the apple of my eye as is my DGS.

There is no reason why letting her be a responsible adult and role modelling that for her children should stop you from seeing them in this way. It is often kinder to take a step backwards because one day, she will probably have to manage without you. She will find that much more difficult if she hasn't learned to get off her backside. Sometimes, we have to play the long game for the sake of our children's happiness which is much more important than them being the apple of your eye.
I don't mean that unkindly because I understand that sometimes rescuing people fulfils a need in you which is hard to define.

what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

Sounds as if you need a compromise.

Yes my DH says if I keep helping out my DD will never do anything for herself. But she’s the apple of my eye as is my DGS. I can somewhat see why DH feels like this but I wouldn’t ever mind if the boot was on the other foot and he was doing things for his family. I don’t see this situation ever changing. But now and again I start thinking what would life be like without him and that’s worrying.

Whilst sulking is manipulative, I find that often I am accused of sulking when I am actually trying to think through a problem, how to tackle it with good grace and whether it is worth the making more of it. I just have a resting bitch face and am deep in thought. The more someone keeps on at me, the more my smile muscles freeze.
It does seem more to this as your husband does help out with your family. It may be that he has a point and may feel that you are not doing your 'lazy' daughter any favours. My husband lets me do what I think I need to do with my family but he does sometimes point out that I am not teaching my daughter to be an adults if I am always rescuing her. I also find I am doing things for her because her husband is not doing his bit and I must admit my husband does think I am just prolonging the agony.

Had to run off cos DH wanted a hand with some scaffolding.

Meant to finish by saying could the "sulking" be resentment that your lazy daughter is taking advantage of you and he doesn't like to see her do that, for your sake?

Thanks, Chewbacca. That’s what I think.

Hissy fits and sulking, just because he doesn't get his own way is childish and I'd be asking him to discuss it like an adult, come to a compromise that suits you both or, if he's not able or willing to do that, I'd just be trucking on with what suits me and leave him to stew. Sulking is manipulative behaviour.

Perhaps you could make a deal: you do a little less for your "lazy" daughter and he does less sulking.

I wonder if he thinks your helping the lazy daughter is not actually really helping her but enabling her laziness and he's irritated by that rather than sulky.

Meant to say he has a daughter to whom he’s close but she doesn’t live nearby. Yes he was intending spending all weekend on the project. We do loads together. We are NT members and go for walks, to pubs…all over the place. He says my family put on me. Maybe they do but I’m happy with it. Besides that, he’s welcome to come with me wherever I go but often doesn’t want to as he enjoys working. I just can’t stand sulkers as I’m not one and can’t understand it.

Today because I’m spending the afternoon with my DGS he’s sulking even though he has a big garden project to do.

Was he intending to do the garden project today anyway? Or does he have little option because you won't be around?
Does he maybe feel you never have plans where he comes first?

It's fine to put your family first for something important but not so much if you treat their every little whim as your first priority.