How often do you see grandkids?

I want to know how often grandparents see grandchildren, weather I'm being nasty for saying no when I do have the time to visit.

You’re not being unreasonable you’re entitled to have a life that at times doesn’t involve mil. I have lots of GC and Grt. GC I see them all for different amounts of time some once or twice a year, some weekly, Some live abroad so even less often.
If she’s her only GC then it’s sort of understandable but if you gently become less available hopefully she’ll realise she’s being too full on.

There is no standard acceptable answer of x times a week/month to visit

Each family is different

Also, somebody's schedule does not override yours - you decide what is convenient for you and your family.

Could your mil have changed her schedule to have more time spent with you and your child? Is that a possibility?

You are not being nasty at all!

No, you’re not being unreasonable at all. Five times a week is way too much. She may as well move in! Please knock this on the head right from the beginning. It’ll get harder if you leave it. If she loves and cares about you all...she’ll be fine. Sometimes people don’t know they’ve overstepped the mark, and need reeling in. She may think that’s what’s expected of her.
Talk!

All visits should happen when her son (your dh) is there present to host her and visits have been coordinated by him too

Dont fall in the trap of becoming the social secretary of the family

Hopefully things will be getting back to normal and you’re going to be busy with toddler groups and meeting up for play dates with other mums and babies.

Drop in when it’s convenient, maybe on a walk or on your way back from something and leave the weekends for arranged stuff with your husband. If he takes your daughter you can have some me time for hair, a swim, browsing the shops and call in at pickup time.

Normal stuff.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, and you mustn't get pressured into more time together than you are happy with.

That said, try to be kind and tactful to MiL - she may well imagine that you will welcome more company, or the extra 'help' that she thinks she will be able to give you.
You both sound like lovely people, so I hope you can find a way to rein her in without upsetting her.

My DGC live 200 miles away, but if they lived very close by I would consider one social visit a week was quite sufficient, plus any babysitting/childcare.

I say that looking at it from how I would have felt as a young mother if either grandparent had lived very close to me as well as from the position of a grandmother,with DGC living close by.

I've never popped in on my grandchildren unannounced. I have 2 grandchildren 5 minutes away. But no visits unless asked.

As for 5 days a week?

If my mother in law had done that I'd have moved and not told her where I was

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. I think you need to try to take control. Maybe after a visit the conversation should be "it's been lovely, just to let you know - we're going to be busy until Friday so would you like to pop round then before tea?". Try to get it on your terms.

Why not suggest alternate weekly visits to each other - she visits you on a particular day one week and you visit her on the same day the next week. Perhaps you could add in a morning or afternoon when she takes your daughter out for a little while so that you can get some jobs done that are easier without a toddler underfoot.

My mum offered to 'share' me with my childless aunt (long story). What happened was that my aunt turned up daily and, as we lived with my grandmother anyway, my mum was bombarded with advice and overwhelmed by them.

So don't get into the same situation! When you've established a routine or frequency of visits you might then be able to be a bit more flexible.

In normal times we see ours maybe once a month, they live about a 10 minute drive away. My DD and increasingly the GC’s have their own social schedule at 13 and 8, DD is a SP, so when they were younger we sat more, I used to go one evening a week for DD to play netball.

I see my DD once or twice a week. The GC are there but my DD is just as important to me. We meet at each other’s houses or go for walks. I’m careful not to overdo it but then again I feel that’s enough for me. They have their own lives as do I.

I think that's a bit suffocating. I see my grandson two days a week because I provide childcare. My daughter might visit with him on her days off. I rarely visit outwith that but would always message first. My mum suffered from daily visits by both her in-laws all of her married life. And if they fell out with each other, they would visit independently. It drove her crazy. My long suffering dad didn't stop it because he felt a sense of obligation. They had taken him in at the age of 4 when he had been orphaned.
So make it clear that you have plans and she should message you first.

Local ones about once a month, far away ones once a year if that

My grandchildren live 5 mins from me I work part time and see them maybe once or twice a week. I have a life and so does my dd and family, I’m not one of these nan’s that’s life revolves around her grandchildren.

Hithere

All visits should happen when her son (your dh) is there present to host her and visits have been coordinated by him too

Dont fall in the trap of becoming the social secretary of the family

Why does the husband have to be there for every visit ?

When I visit my sons family ( 70 miles away)I often spend time with DIL, we get on very well.

His mother, his time, his responsibility

It seems like the dil has to facilitate the visits, be the hostess, take time off of her schedule so grandma can see the kids.

No wonder there is a divorce and problems arise.

If the dil gets on well with mil and wants to do it, it's fine, of course.

“ His mother, his time, his responsibility ”

What a thoroughly unpleasant attitude to family life.

I agree this mother in law seems over eager but you are making very struct “rules” about it.

So in a scenario where mother is at home currently with baby and father is in full time work outside the home, his mother can only visit her grandchild at weekend ?

Five times a week seems excessive to me. I accept that not all family units are identical and five times a week may suit some people.

A lot depends on how near to each other everyone lives and how much support the mother of the child wants/needs.

When my two oldest GSs were both at primary school I used to do the afternoon school run so saw them at least 5 days a week. The last couple of years before lockdown it was just now and again. Much as I love my boys I can't help wondering why MiL hasn't got anything else to fill her time.

Lucca

Yes, staying at home is a more than full time job and the person manages his/her own calendar.