Bereavement

I am terribly sorry for your loss Vivab.

I lost my mum in April. She was only 74. They had been married for 55 years and my dad, bless him, is suffering terribly having been her carer for a very long time. We do try to keep him busy but it's very hard as I work full time and look after my own grandchildren too. Like yourself I don't think his life will ever be the same.

I am not sure about the "love and loss" thing, but I think that losing someone you loved so very dearly, must be worse than having never known them in the first place.

I admire your fortitude Vivab and I am sorry for your losses. As you so rightly say, life will never be the same again but it does go on....I do think it takes about two years to be able to reach this train of thought. I have lost both parents and my in laws but the hardest loss of all was our twin grandsons. For a long time I was angry that little ones should be taken but I can now see how much strength and support there is in our family. My biggest consolation is that the boys only ever knew love in their short lives...they knew no pain or sadness. Very few of us can say that.

Hi. Thank you ladies for your reply.
Some things are too painful to - get over ( another word use by well meaning people )
I guess you just have to learn to live with it, and take each day as it comes.
Maybe life would be easier if we did not care so much.
But then we would have missed so many good times.
So let's be grateful for what we had, and still have.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't know why you say that Gonosuch

Please explain Gononsuch I've no idea why you think that.

Your so right vivab, celebrate their life and that you were part of it.

Thank goodness that nasty post was deleted.

Vivab you are right, those of us who have not experienced what you are going through cannot properly understand, we can only imagine. You are right to accept help and I'm glad your voluntary work helps you. Please join in the various threads on here too when you have time.
*

I lost my brother just before his 40th Birthday through an accidental prescription drug overdose and my GD was stillborn within 3 days about 3 months ago. It was one of the worst weeks of my life to be honest but I know that our lives must go on and the pain will lessen. When I lost my daughter 16 years ago the pain was unbearable until I watched a program where most of the women in a village had lost all the males in their family due to war. Although I still felt sad, it did make me count my blessings in my DH and DC I still had left. It certainly helped me to feel less sorry for myself.

Have just joined. Not feeling too good as lost my husband 2 months ago on this Wednesday, from cancer. Very hard to get up in the mornings and feeling lost. Am trying on a good day to go out, walking to the cafe and sitting down with a cup of tea but seeing couples enjoying life is so hard. Weekends can also be very long and lonely. Have restarted to going to the gym for 1/2 hr on the treadmill maybe twice a week which is ok, but people don't smile or say hello ! They say baby steps and time is a healer, I truly hope so
Unfortunately family don't understand my grief, they are probably silently suffering but we are unable to talk to one another. They are OK as they have families, sadly I do not have really any friends but I am going to a bereavement coffee morning soon

jeltel two months is a very short period after such a bereavement. I expect too that you are worn out mentally and physically by the last months of your DH's illness. In the past the first stage of bereavement was expected to take a year and you draped yourself in black and went no where socially throughout that year. And while the widows weeds are thankfully gone, the recognition that it will take you at least a year to lose the acute grief at his loss seems to also to have been forgotten, but remind yourself of it regularly.

You are already doing really well to be taking yourself out to cafes and going to the gym. Do keep that up. I am not sure time heals, but with time you do get used to having had the loss, although decades after, some small thing will suddenly hurtle you back through time with a sudden reminder of the person you mourn.

You are doing the right thing in joining a bereavement group, indeed you are doing everything any councillor would recommend.

All I can say is welcome to Gransnet, I haven't seen your name before. You are among friends, many of whom have experienced a loss like yours, so keep reading - and posting on this thread and on others that take your fancy.

Well said* Munica*. There are people are Gransnet jeltel who can help you more than I could but as the previous poster join in here when you feel you can. And treat yourself kindly.

People don't truly understand unless they've experienced the extreme pain of loss. You have the added shock of the way his life ended. He's still in your heart though, and that's not very far away.

Be gentle with yourself, but sometimes be a little tough and accept invitations when you'd rather stay home. Take comfort from what the other members are telling you, that in time you will find peace.

Welcome Vivab and Jeltel
* and sorry to hear about your sad losses.It will take time for you to accept your bereavements, so allow yourself that time, nobody should expect a brave face and if they do, then too bad.Be kind to yourselves.?

Vivab & Jeltel so, so sorry to read your posts and good that you can come on here and talk about your loss.

In the words of the Bard "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak. Whispers the o'erfraught heart and bids it break."

Thank you for your kind comments, it has already helped reading your messages. I have shut myself away and am trying to have the confidence to go out

You are both so welcome to join us on GN and I hope you find some comfort here.

Might I suggest you think of trying the WI? It's all women so easier than mixed social gatherings and there are monthly meetings but often other activities taking place through the month. In my own WI we have a darts group, a skittles group, gardening club, craft group, coffee morning club and lunch club. We also have outings periodically. In September we are going on the paddle steamer "Waverley" from Portsmouth to Yarmouth on the Isle of Wight.

Many of our members are widows and one said to me only recently "WI has been a real life saver for me".

Should either of you be interested, if you send me a Private Message giving your location, I can find the nearest WI and their contact details and would be very happy to forward them to you.

Keep strong. Things will gradually ease and you do not have to be lonely and friendless. There are people out there ready to fill the gaps! for you both.

Don't know if you recd my mess so am sending again, thank u I would like for u to find the nearest WI to me on the Isle of Wight
Await to hear

You will probably find one on this map, www.thewi.org.uk/wis-a-z jeltel

jeltel I have pm'd you with contact details.

I can well understand how you all must have felt as I did also when my one and only passed away two years ago, after 45 years together.
One just has to think of the family and life goes on, but today I have been listening to that wonderful song,first sang by Keeker Davis in 1963 called, 'End of the World', does anyone else remember it as it was also sung by Karen Carpenter later?

To all who have lost a loved one ?Be kind to yourselves x

I remember that song well it was sung by Skeeter Davis and how poignant those lyrics!

?Vivab and Jeltel? Life has dealt you both a heavy blow. It is amazing what the human constitution can deal with so hold in there. Meanwhile, I am sending you virtual hugs.