Who pays? And should a young child go to a parent’s funeral?

Of course there’s no legal requirement to actually hold a funeral service as such. The body can just be cremated and the ashes scattered in the garden at the crem. No one has to attend if they don’t want to. Money can be taken from the estate of the departed to pay for the crem or if there’s no money there are certain benefits than can be claimed so it would be down to the taxpayer.

Funerals today are very different from a generation ago. They can be personalised to suit the mourners and the deceased.
As your grandaughter will be the chief mourner from what you say, it can be made into a very child friendly funeral. Definitely no sliding away of the coffin at the end.
Your daughter and grandaughter can choose the music and poems and write the eulogy.
At my fil's funeral (he had been a keen beekeeper) his 7 greatgrandchildren decorated wooden bees which were fastened to his wicker coffin by the grandchildren. The eulogy was given by his eldest grandchild.
At my sister's funeral, nephews and nieces placed drawings, daisychains and messages on the coffin.
Funerals are a celebration of life and I would think it good for your grandaughter to say goodbye as long as she is supported by her mother and/or grandparents.

suzied, not many people realise there is no need to have a funeral at all. I have told my children I don’t want one. If they want to mark the occasion they should go out for a nice meal. That would be something they would actually enjoy. If it’s lunch, young children can go as well.

You can leave your body to medical research, which is an important use for it, and also has the advantage of avoiding the need for a funeral. My father did this.

I don't think your daughter should be expected to pay for the funeral; if her ex-partner had been in the services, then service charities such as RBL or SSAFA may help.
Otherwise there is a government scheme:
www.gov.uk/funeral-payments/what-youll-get

Our youngest went to her grandma's funeral when she was 9 and coped with it well. She was upset but would have felt worse, I think, had she not been allowed to go.

Grandma70s I am of the same mindset as you, I wouldn't take a young child to their parent's funeral. I'm interested in your comment about not having a funeral at all. I personally would prefer that, unless my DD felt otherwise.

I think at 10 the child can decide for herself. If the process is explained in a sympathetic way first then the decision should be left to her. Make contingency plans for a last minute change of mind.
You have my sympathy.

Here in Ireland, it would be highly unusual for young children not to attend a funeral. Lots of my DS's friends have attended the funerals of various grandparents and I think it's helps them come to terms with the finality of death much more easily.
In fact, I resent my parents for not allowing me to attend my grandparents funerals when I was younger and living in the U.K.
I'm sure it would have helped me to cope better with my father's funeral when I was an older teen.

I can't be the only one who, on reaching the end of this very sad thread, was presented with an ad above the message box - an ad for life insurance for parents.
Surely GNHQ has enough control to ensure that such a tactless juxtaposition is avoided.
Can't report it as inappropriate or as spam but I think this ticks both of those boxes.
Explanation or apology please GNHQ ?

I thought the ad boxes were based on your own browsing history/google searches rather than specifically through Gransnet? Maybe I'm wrong?

Grandma70's its not fashionable ,it has always been the way for some families,my upbringing was as part of an Irish/Scots family and we always went to funerals ,always saw the dead relative in their coffin and accepted that death is part of normal life .My husband on the other hand was raised in a Scots protestant household and he wasn't allowed to go to his beloved GF 's funeral when he was 8...he was furious then ,is still angry now 50 odd years later and cant understand why it was thought he shouldn't be there .Its odd to me that anyone would keep a child away from a parents funeral even a very young child

Nothing odd in keeping a small child away from a parents funeral, if the death was sudden, the remaining parent may not be in Any way able to comfort the child because they are in shock and totally bereft . Not good for a small child, father in the coffin .Mother distressed , grandparents distressed .

It may be something to do with religious outlook. I remember many of us (certainly all my family) were very shocked to see that President Kennedy’s very young children were at his funeral. We assumed, perhaps wrongly, that it was something that Roman Catholics did.

As far as I know there were no children’s bereavement counsellors when my husband died, so we were able to use our common sense. Common sense said they were too young to be subjected to a funeral. I agree with Anniebach.

Craicon I thought that too but it clearly is not the case as there is nothing in my browsing history that would link to this. With no reply from GNHQ I have reported my post and hope to get some sort of explanation. Meantime l 'd be very interested to know if I was the only poster to see that ad on that thread.

GNHQ inform me that they 'would never knowingly allow an ad to be used in a tactless way' and that the ad is 'unrelated to the site".
Coincidence then or a need for more caeful screening?

mcem I have put an ad blocker on now because whenever I contributed to a thread on GN I would find that ads would pop up relating to what I had posted.

I find it quite sinister. I don't think it is just GN though, to be fair it happens with other sites too.

My father died when I was 15 and my sister just 11. I was not asked if I wanted to go to the funeral (burial), I was expected to be there. However, my mother decided my sister was too young and sent her to stay with a relative. Over 30 years later she attended the funeral of dad's elder brother and told me she finally felt she'd said goodbye to dad.

Grandma70's I wanted to go to my grandmothers funeral because I wanted to be part of it and to say goodbye. I was furious that my younger cousins went and not me. My cousins and their parents lived in my grandmothers house so they saw her everyday.I saw her every week when my Dad took me with him. The coffin was in a bedroom upstairs before the funeral and my cousin and I had seen her in it so I didn't see how a funeral could be worse than seeing a dead person. I don't think it's strange at all Anniebach for a child to go to a parents funeral or any other relatives, I think it's awful if they don't. My daughter said she'd have been very upset if she hadn't been allowed to go to her brothers.

Thank you for answering my question, TwiceAsNice. I can see you thought you were being treated unfairly.

I never had any desire to go to a funeral myself. It never entered my head that I might be missing something. Children didn’t go to funerals and that was that, in our world.

jalima I take your point but I had not contributed to the thread when that ad appeared. My concern was that, if it appeared randomly, it could be very upsetting to some posters - I reiterate that it did not in any way apply to me.
I too find it rather sinister and will have to check out adblockers.

TwiceAsNice, I was 13 when my maternal gran died. My parents insisted I was too young to go to her funeral. I argued, unsuccessfully and our paternal gran was drafted in too look after us that day. I felt bereft and heading for 60 years later, I still wish I'd been able to go. I was mature enough to realise my parents believed they were doing the right thing and protecting me and it was one of those moments when I realised they weren't always right, no matter how well meaning and loving they were.
I'm relieved that the notion that by keeping children away from something so significant you are somehow doing right by them, is no longer held by the majority.
The first funeral of a young parent I went to about 25 years ago, involved her own children aged 2, 5 and 7. The children's close friends also attended, with their own parents as they'd all been through nursery and school together. We all felt that this was a great support to her own children, as well as helping our own children

Perhaps it depends how important you think funerals are. I think in our family they were not considered very important, just something that had to be done (because no-one knew it didn’t have to be done). Thus I had no sense at all that I was missing anything, and was very happy to go off to stay with young cousins, along with my elder brother.

grandma70''s I dont think people look forward to a funeral but I've never met anyone who didn't go to the funeral of a close relative,in fact one year ,about 12 years ago we went to 17 family and close friends funerals ..2 on the same day so OH went to one and I went to the other , it was harrowing ,wondering who would be next..but we went because it was important to show support to the immediate family ..funerals aren't just about the dead you know ,they give the living, firstly,purpose in the first days and support from friends who will come along and TALK about the deceased and give a great deal of comfort .Its all a big part of the grief process

It never crossed my mind that children would not go to funerals.
My children and grandchildren have always gone to funerals.
My youngest son wouldn't remember going to his first one as he was in a carrycot!

I am64 I'm very sorry you weren't allowed to go I see you feel very similar to me. As I said research shows a much better outcome grief wise now if children go to funerals and at least it means they don't harbour regrets for a long time like us. Every child I know who has attended has said it was the right decision made

My X husband was excluded from his dearly loved Grandmothers funeral when he was 7 , he said he was devastated and felt that his parents thought that he didn`t matter enough to go . I think the children should be asked if they want to go , death is a very natural part of life .