its normal ,so let it out .My late mother was angry with dad for a very long time....he left her..he promised he would never leave her ...he died before their 50th anniversary.How very selfish of him to die suddenly and leave her alone.We understood ,it was because he was her life,they had been together since school days .She was sure she would die first because she had multiplehealth issues so she had spent time teaching him to cook and use the washing machine etc.Things men of his era didn't do..well none we knew .She would laughingly tell him she's haunt him if he found another woman after she died.Then he did it first .It destroyed her
What you feel is what most do and you will get through it,its natural and I wish you peace before too long.I think once all the firsts were past my mum felt more settled but she refused to socialise with anyone except my sister and I and our families.It would have been good to see her happy again ....as I hope you will be one day too.Take care of yourself ,be kind to yourself when you feel sad or angry or lost and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you when the time is right