Back in the 1970s my grandmother was in her 90s. She was still sharp and bright intellectually speaking but her body was now letting her down. She was arthritic with poor mobility but nevertheless chose to live independently. She had a “woman who does” come in and clean for her daily and get her shopping in. My two aunts, who lived only a few minutes walk away, took it in turns to go in and cook her a meal and do any other little jobs.
I lived across the city but I used to visit my gran on Sunday afternoons after lunch and we would have afternoon tea and a chat. When I left I would say “Ill see you same time next week” and she would always reply “If God spares me”. My grandmother was quite religious and believed that once you passed 70 you were living on borrowed time. One day she said it with such sadness that I asked “Don’t you care nana?” “No child” she replied. “Ive outlived my time and I cant do many of the things I want to do. We are living in such dreadful times. If I went tonight quietly in my sleep I would not mind.”
Not long afterwards, as if by a premonition of her own death, nana did die. She did not die in her sleep as she wished, but from a sudden heart attack. She reached up to a shelf, gave a little cry, and then fell down. My aunt (who was with her) told me it was very quick and she did not suffer. She was pronounced dead at the scene when the ambulance arrived.
Im beginning now to understand how my grandmother felt. At 78 I am a lot younger than she was and I do not share her religious beliefs. I can no longer do many of the things that gave me pleasure like walking, shopping and travelling. Ive achieved most of the things I wanted to do – published a book, gained a Ph.d and travelled to some of the most exciting and wonderful places on earth. But increasingly there seems no point to it all. We are living in dreadful times and I can see no end to it. I have nothing left to strive for.
I often wish, as she did, that I could go quietly to sleep and not wake up.
Lame Limericks (but they are funny anyway) (
Shingles - Again. Have the Vaccine!
I laughed today and it felt good.