My husband and Asperger's

This blog shows how conditions like Aspergers can be accommodated over many years, and it reminds me that there are lots of people like this who have never had, or needed, a label or diagnosis to enable them to lead a normal life.

I've been reading about people in the USA who are constantly seeking categorisation of their, and their children's, personalities and perceived illnesses, so they can use such conditions in litigation and custody battles. I would be horrified if this country followed suit.

Oh dear! after 38 yrs of this situation I have lost my sense of humour about it. Some realisation that Aspergers was the root of my DHs problem came to me about 10 yrs ago.

The issue is, that this is a syndrome with the implication that a range of behaviours of similar type are included and are displayed in varying degrees by different people.
The behaviour I observe and have to live with fits a lot of the classic "features" of the syndrome.
Talking at people about something that interests him in an unstoppable manner and not being able to see or comprehend that the poor person having to listen is being bored silly. This is such a problem that people avoid him.
A poor sense of humour in that I cannot make a silly throw away remark that others would just take as just an aside without it being analysed, or explained or contradicted.
Poor social skills in such areas and great difficulty in understanding anyone else's point of view. Its the constant talking at me I find hard to manage on a daily basis.
Sorry about the rant, but I really can't find much to laugh about in this. I must add that there is some increased behavioural problems I think are the result of problems following the removal of a benign brain tumor three years ago.

Sorry to rant. I will shut up and return to my chutney!

My grandson is on the autistic spectrum. He has just started high school, and goes to what they call the Nurture Centre.
After two weeks of getting upset every morning, he has now said he likes this school better than the primary school, because he has somewhere to go. He still has a friend take him in to his tutor group, so can avoid the crush of 1500 pupils on the whole. He can go into his nurture group any time he wants to if he gets agitated. He has certain teachers that look out for him, and he can go to if he is worried. So he actually feels he has more security now than he had in his primary school. And so do we.

This would not have happened if he had not been labelled. So it can be good to be labelled.

Most schools these days are much bigger than the ones many of us went to. They are scary for teachers, let alone kids with Aspergers, which, by the way, no longer exists in this country. It is now classified as ASD.
I very rarely dream, but one of the ones I still have is of being in the wrong classroom in the wrong school building and wondering why the class have not turned up.

Although some of the things that Sue Hepworth describes are, at a distance, very funny (I especially liked the sinister blue underpants), it must be difficult to live with someone with Aspergers.

I would imagine you'd have to very comfortable in your own skin to be able to deal with such searing honesty, and to be able to overcome the discomfort of seeing your partner unknowingly boring or insulting someone.

I can relate to most of what Sue says. It rings bells.

eloethan, your second paragraph – yes, indeed.

Some years ago I was listening to the late lamented John Peel's "Home Truths" programme and heard an item about a couple who had written a book "An Asperger Marriage" by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker. The husband had been diagnosed with ASD in his mid-thirties. I found that I could relate to much of what the wife said, and after reading the book realised that, although never diagnosed, my husband had more than a touch of Asperger's. Now my grandson, who at 3 was diagnosed with ADHD and autistic traits, has at 15 been given an ASD diagnosis, presumable mostly masked by his early ADHD behaviours which are receding and controlled now, to a large extent.

By the way when asked how he felt about being given another label he said "Well, I'm just me, aren't I?".

Hi Katgransnet

Yes most definitely. I was married for thirty years before my husband came out as gay.

Sorry to hear that Lucy . One of my close friends was engaged twice before he came out as gay. I think he tried so hard to be be straight because of what his family might think!

Nellie (((hugs)))

That must have been a shock lucy, or did you have any clues?

Marriage to an Asperger guy starts out looking very promising. If you are his "special interest" you are likely to receive a lot of care and attention. The trouble is that things settle down and you realise he just doesn't connect emotionally. That's difficult, but hey - you can "reform" him and make him the sort of man you want, can't you? That project lasted over 30 years before the diagnosis, and the realisation that he wasn't a "difficult case to reform", he had a medical condition. Then the only option is divorce, but unfortunately a medical condition isn't valid grounds around here. "Unreasonable behaviour" however is, and the behaviour of a guy with Aspergers can easily be described as unreasonable. Problem solved.

This is unfortunately a very common scenario. I've been in enough support groups to know that.

OMG! I've been living with that behaviour for 30 years - unfortunately the love has long since died and I'm giving up the fight. I feel so angry and nothing about his bizarre perception of life is amusing to me any more. My anger and disappointment is eating away at my heart.

In the first heady days, I was bemused..he was handsome, charming and completely took over my life. After only 10 days he proposed..despite the fact that he was still married to Wife No 1 and had just ditched a hastily-formed 'serious' relationship with a woman he had met on a 2 week holiday in the Canary Islands. (She had given up her job and followed him back to the UK only to be unceremoniously dumped within weeks.) He's always had a convincing rationale for every crazy thing he's done. And its always someone else's fault.

I know! What was I thinking? Well I just went with the flow until he came to me and said I've booked us in at the registry office on (date). I was flattered and also I adored him. Immediately after the marriage, boing! the manic behaviour began..I became a member of staff to be controlled and re-constructed, as did my kids, my dog, my parents. My friends were shunned, but they have stuck with me and accepted him for my sake.

I tried and tried to retain my own 'self' and have partially succeeded, but at the cost of the relationship. Why did I stay so long? Pride I suppose; not wanting to admit my mistake; security?? Life has never been dull but it has been chronically painful. I wanted 'Happy Ever After'..not possible in this relationship.

Specki4eyes - lots of love & admiration for sticking it so long. Your story shows exactly why diagnosis & a label can be so important. When my daughter realised the full extent of her husband's undiagnosed Adult ADHD & only recently diagnosed dyslexia (plus the impact of 35 years of not being understood by parents, school & society) she felt others thought she was a mug for marrying him. Then she read how they hyperfocus & make people feel very special in order to win them (as MaryXYX describes). At the time SiL was being done over by a business partner/"friend" who was exploiting his disability & draining away his business & money. As waiting lists at the only 2 diagnostic centres were so long, we paid for him to see a psychiatrist who was brilliant & very compassionate, giving much more than we could pay for. A diagnosis & label has changed his & our lives & saved his marriage & earning ability. He has a combination of drugs, exercise & routines (CBT & couple therapy were useless). It is a life long condition & always a struggle especially if he forgets to take the medication or stays on the computer after 9pm then rants if you remind him. But he is very creative, a brilliant father (as long as you don't leave the kids for long in his care - he'll forget he's got them) & has revived his business.
It's not the labels of diagnosis that's bad, only wrong diagnosis for wrong reasons. Labels can also be used as a 'badge of honour' & an excuse rather than a factor in behaviour & of course this has to be challenged (as I often dare to do with SiL) but given how hard it is to live full time with these conditions in a society that shows little or negative understanding of them, can we blame them for seeking some advantage sometimes? Some people can live without a diagnosis (like Rory Bremner) but they usually have positive circumstances or can find a niche in which they can be accepted. Prisons are full of people with these conditions - undiagnosed & unlabelled before it was too late. And it can be hell on earth for those around them. Our SiL has opened our eyes to something we knew little about 5 years ago & I know also realise husband is on the lower end of the Aspergers spectrum & our brains are wired very differently - it makes life & communication easier know we know.

What an interesting and illuminating post Gadabout it helps to understand these conditions when someone with firsthand experience of them can talk about them so clearly and compassionately.

Brilliant post Gadabout. He was a lucky man to have you as his MiL. There is much that those of us have not been touched by this condition do not understand.

Jendurham and Gadabout - yes yes, I so agree. My grandson was diagnosed as on the spectrum when he was 9. He'd been in so much trouble at school up to this. He once described to me how he'd broken the blinds 'and that is called disruptive behaviour gran'. This happened when he'd been stood out for something, and became engrossed in how the blinds worked, so started to try and find out. The diagnosis was a great help in primary school. He was put in charge of the library, so was able to avoid the play ground, and had some status. When he went to high school, he blossomed. He told me it was better than primary, because it had a written rule book. He'd read it, and followed the advice about how to deal with bullies to the letter. His father is undiagnosed but definitely ASD as was his paternal grandfather. Lovely, gentle men, but infuriating at times...... It's how the diagnosis is used that counts, it should be used always to benefit the person with the diagnosis, not to fund wars with former partners

Jendurham and Gadabout - yes yes, I so agree. My grandson was diagnosed as on the spectrum when he was 9. He'd been in so much trouble at school up to this. He once described to me how he'd broken the blinds 'and that is called disruptive behaviour gran'. This happened when he'd been stood out for something, and became engrossed in how the blinds worked, so started to try and find out. The diagnosis was a great help in primary school. He was put in charge of the library, so was able to avoid the play ground, and had some status. When he went to high school, he blossomed. He told me it was better than primary, because it had a written rule book. He'd read it, and followed the advice about how to deal with bullies to the letter. His father is undiagnosed but definitely ASD as was his paternal grandfather. Lovely, gentle men, but infuriating at times...... It's how the diagnosis is used that counts, it should be used always to benefit the person with the diagnosis, not to fund wars with former partners

This is brilliant! My husband has Aspergers and it took us sometime to diagnose. A lot of the symptoms are similar to the original post regarding non-attendance at parties etc. We don't have many true friends anymore as my husband falls asleep if discussion isn't stimulating enough for him. His argument is 'its a far better use of my time'. He doesn't buy clothes for what they look like but how they feel which results in some very unusual fashion but he is very comfortable. He is fiercely in love with me but one of the only things I struggle with after a long time together is that he isn't that bothered about our children. There is a detachment that I have to bridge the gap for constantly so it's a bit like being a single parent with an extra child that doesn't want to join in.
On the plus side I know exactly where I stand with him. If he doesn't call throughout the day I know he is thinking about me but just not bothering to articulate it.
He is exceptionally lovable and loyal but at times frustrating. It took us a long time to diagnose but once we got there it answred a lot of questions. It makes him different and special and adds something special to our journey through life together.
Thanks for bringing this up as a topic.

KateFlint- Mr Gad is the same about clothes. He's rejected several newer pairs of glasses but has gone back to wearing the really comfortable pair which must now be over 20 years old. He proudly told me the other day that he'd seen footballer Rio Ferdinand wearing a similar pair now that these old styles have returned as Retro fashion.
I'm glad the earlier post was helpful. You can imagine my SiL & Mr Gad are like chalk & cheese but it didn't stop Mr Gad spending hours helping him with his business problems & now with his current work - his attention to detail & maths ability are just what an ADDer needs. Between us we've created a safe cocoon in which SiL can earn, though life does seem dominated at times by SiL's condition.

Has anyone picked up a regular reference here? 30 years?

What I find astonishing from my perspective is that some of you have been able to get help through diagnosis. My soon-to-be ex H is NEVER, but NEVER, responsible in ANY way for head on collisions, whether with me or others..it is always someone else's fault. To even suggest that any psychological help and diagnosis could be sought would result in incredulity and angry refusal on his part. He told me today that someone had walked out of a lunch because he had referred to Muslims as 'fuzzy-wuzzies' - he just couldn't understand why. I commented rather snappily that there are people who take great exception to racist comments. His reply was, "some people have no sense of humour". End of conversation.

We spent two weeks in South Africa a few years ago. He spent every day of one week looking for clip-on sunglasses which, once he had found a pair, then refused to wear because someone had laughed at him when he forgot to flip them back down. He spent half of each day of the second week going to an internet café to check our seat numbers for the flight back.

The comment about a social bore rings bells - we rented a gite on the Riviera with some golfing buddies a couple of years ago. My H attached himself like glue to the male and expounded his puerile theories at him for hours at a time. The friend ended up having a sort of nervous crisis before the week was up and they left early - he'd been hoping for a restful break - a little peace; some sketching; some reading - that sort of thing. At 7 am for the first two mornings, despite my protestations, my H put Wagner CDs on the stereo very loudly - not because he likes classical music, but because our friend does! Said friend's wife came out of their room looking apoplectic. My H then called her a spoilsport.

These stories are quite amusing but there are many sinister sides to this syndrome. A pet cat I had at the time of our meeting was taken by him and dumped at the side of the road because he didn't want a cat in our new home. He missed the fact that the cat was wearing an identity collar and I got a phone call and was able to retrieve her. He spends hours snooping on people via the internet, even paying fees to check their company financial details. He knows all the most trivial minutiae relating to neighbours' daily habits. I despair.

And, sorry to go on but he has never, ever, not even once in 30 years, called me by my name. If he wants to alert me, he whistles.

specki I couldn't have lived with that

Specki - I am so glad you have split up from this difficult man. How you have survived all this time without committing at the very least, grievous bodily harm, I cannot imagine. You must be the most patient woman in existence - now you have time and space to be yourself.

You get used to living with strange behaviour and if you've never lived with anyone before you just accept it as the norm. It's only looking back on a relationship that it makes more sense. I once spoke to a complete stranger in a shop; I can't remember what I said but she turned to me and said 'get out of this relationship now'. I couldn't because I had no career and my children were still quite young.

I can relate to other posts here, I knew that my ex husband wasn't quite "normal" but wasn't sure what the problem was. Only now that we have been divorced for many years (Unreasonable behaviour) I realise why he acted like he did. Still how could he have been diagnosed if only the mention of the word "Doctor" would set him off!

Interesting, Gadabout and Iam64. You both seem to know that what you have to do is look at things through the other person's eyes. It's very challenging. When I see my grandson after school and ask him what he did that day, he has to get his diary out and check on the lessons he has had.
What worries me about this forum is that many of you have got divorced because of unreasonable behaviour. Would you have divorced if the illness was physical? My husband was diabetic, on insulin. That's interesting as well. I've been locked in rooms, regularly had him spit glucose tablets and apple juice in my face, had to chase him round the house while trying to get some carbohydrate into him while he's been laughing like a maniac.
When we had the guest house, it was fun being woken up by him screaming and having to get glucose into him while having my hand over his mouth in order that he did not wake up the people in the room next to ours.
I never thought about divorcing him, as it was an illness he could not do anything about.