We've all encountered them at some time or another - that friend who's always there if they need something from you...but never seems to come through in your hour of need. Patricia Scanlan talks fair weather friends and the process of letting them go now that she's older.
Patricia Scanlan
Is it time to ditch a toxic friendship?
Posted on: Thu 12-Mar-15 12:42:27
(37 comments )
"When are the boundaries of friendship pushed too far, and when is it time to stop flying over oceans for someone who wouldn't jump over a puddle for you?"
I'd seen this quote soon after an old friend said snippily, having read my latest novel - which had been very well reviewed and got to No 1 - "Well it won't win the Booker Prize!"
That made my jaw drop! Not that she felt I wouldn't win the Booker, (neither did I, it was never an aspiration of mine) but that she would be so churlish. I passed the remark off and continued chatting as we ate lunch. (I got stuck with the bill as well, but that was nothing new!) In hindsight, thinking about our 'friendship' it dawned on me that jealousy was at the root of the comment.
I'd have been much more upset had this happened in my younger years. But now that I'm in my late fifties I've stopped pandering to people and trying to be everything to everyone. I don't have the energy for it anymore, nor the inclination.
Another friend of mine mentioned that she's noticed that the older she's got, the smaller her circle of 'real friends' has become. This gave me food for thought and I examined a couple of my own 'friendships' and saw that they weren't really friendships in the true sense of the word. They were just a habit. Mostly 'friends' who needed a shoulder to cry on and who wouldn't get in touch until their next calamity.
As I approach my sixties I much prefer to have a small circle of real friends who are 'radiators'. No more 'drains' or 'fair weather friends' for me.
Helena, a counsellor I know, often speaks of people who are 'drains' and 'radiators', as she terms them. 'Friends' who whine and moan and seem to have dramas morning, noon and night. She is going through an incredibly hard time because her daughter is being horrendously bullied in her first year in secondary school. On a particularly stressful day when her daughter had come home in tears, a 'friend' rang Helena for a chat. She explained what had happened and said she would talk with her later as she wanted to be with her daughter.
"How awful," said the 'friend' and immediately launched into a diatribe about her husband who was driving her mad! She was considering divorcing him and wanted advice. Helena was stunned. She'd always supported the 'friend', but in her own hour of need, when she could have done with a shoulder to cry on she was brushed off with a "how awful!"
I wrote a novella a few years ago for the Open Door Literacy Series, called Fairweather Friend, about two women in an unequal friendship. One was a giver and the other, a taker and a user. I got a huge response from readers about it. One middle-aged woman came up to me with the book for me to sign, at a prize giving-event. She'd taken literacy classes and could now read perfectly and was going to become a tutor herself. "You’re getting big notions about yourself now," her oldest 'friend' told her upon hearing this. "A Fairweather Friend, I think," the woman remarked wryly. "She was only a friend when she felt she was superior to me."
As I approach my sixties I much prefer to have a small circle of real friends who are 'radiators'. No more 'drains' or 'fair weather friends' for me.
A Time For Friends by Particia Scanlan is published 12 March by Simon & Schuster and is available from Amazon. We've also got three copies of the book to win - just post on the thread to enter.