Have you ever lived with three generations of your family? Would you? Leila Glen describes how moving in with her parents in law allowed her young family to get ahead - and how they avoided WWIII while they were staying...
Leila Glen
My 7 months in a 3 generation house
Posted on: Thu 10-Mar-16 15:04:41
(52 comments )
7 months ago my 16 month old, my fiancé and I moved in with his parents. Now I know what you're thinking – am I mad? However with spiralling house prices, job-cuts and the increased cost of living - alongside most couples our age – we were finding it a struggle to make ends meet. Having that all-important boost has helped us immensely, and we're now in the process of looking for our own house; living as a '3G' family (3 generations under one roof) has been anything but a smooth ride, but it's definitely paid off!
Although we're all considerate people, things did get crowded, and yes, pretty heated at times. Through a bit of trial and error (and a rather memorable argument involving my mother in law and some waylaid shoes in the hallway) we quickly learnt that setting house rules and boundaries was necessary to ensure everyone understood what they could and couldn't do.
If you're thinking of taking in your parents/children/children-in-law whilst they save a bit of money to get themselves on the property ladder, then there are a few recurring themes/issues that came up when I was doing my time that I think would be helpful for anyone going through the '3G family' experience.
Household chores: Chores should be equally shared out between family members. In our case my mother in law loves to cook, and since it's her house, I leave her be. Then it's generally my fiancé and I on cleaning up duty. If everything is left to one person, it tends to trigger feelings of being taken for granted, leading to bad feeling and arguments.
Stress: Busy lives, hectic jobs, and kids to sort out – it's no wonder we all get stressed from time to time (or a whole lot of the time in my case). But just try to remember, your family members are generally there to support you, not actively contribute to your stress! So he didn't put the toilet seat down? Let it go…
Children: Now this is an especially tricky one. More often than not grandparents can't help but interfere or comment on the bringing up of their grandchildren. Yes – it can be maddening at times, but we just try to remember they're doing it out of love. Again, setting boundaries is key; work out to what extend grandparents are allowed to reprimand their grandchildren to avoid altercations.
Money: Finances should be discussed as early on as possible. Everyone's contribution to rent, groceries, bills and other outgoings need to be considered. We used sites such as www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk and www.moneysavingexpert.com to help us work out a fair and cost-effective allocation of money.
It may seem like these are small and insignificant considerations, but at the end of the day we were moving in to someone else's house, and didn't want to impose our way of life on then, rather embrace theirs.
Privacy: Sex is an essential part of a healthy functioning relationship, but when there are two couples in the house, and children running around, it's difficult to have any time with your partner. We have a system in our house whereby my mother and father in law will take our son out to allow me and my fiancé some privacy. They get to spend quality time with their grandson and we get time to ourselves – it's a win/win!
Consideration for others: Seemingly tiny little things such as television programme preference, seats at the table and music taste have all nearly started World War 3 in our household. My partner and I love watching comedies, whereas his parents are intent on watching the soaps every night and have a penchant for gritty dramas. We worked out a weekly timetable of who was allowed TV preference, and this quickly put a stop to any arguing over the remote.
Furthermore, borrowing without permission is likely to prickle someone's skin. Always, ALWAYS ask! Ensure you put things back where they belong too; my mother in law is a creature of habit and likes things to be 'just so' – I quickly learnt this about her and rather than mocking her OCD I respected it and made sure to put things back in exactly the right place. We all have our quirks and when living with a lot of other people it's important to recognise when something is important to them and act accordingly; a little consideration can go a long way!
Rules: Rules are imperative to a happy household. Once individual responsibilities are established, everyone is free to get on with their own things and no difficult, awkward conversations need to be had.
Can shoes be worn in the house? Are you allowed to eat food in the lounge? Whose responsibility is it to…? These were the sorts of questions that needed to be addressed within the first week of us moving in. It may seem like these are small and insignificant considerations, but at the end of the day we were moving in to someone else's house, and didn't want to impose our way of life on then, rather embrace theirs. Was it difficult at times? Of course it was! I'm not a neat freak and taking off my shoes as soon as I walk through the door doesn't come naturally to me, however I told myself it would only be for a few months and would be worth it in the end – and I was right.
Communication: You know that old saying – 'communication is key'? Well when it comes to living alongside others, it couldn't be truer.
Try using a family planner or calendar – this was one of the best pieces of advice we were given! It meant we knew who was in and out for the night, how many people to make dinner for, and who was looking after the baby. Plus, it meant none of us double booked nights out, or planned to have people over when the other couple wanted a quiet night in.
Tip: Sticky notes are a great way of communicating too. E.g. "We're out of milk, I'll pick some up on the way back from work" to prevent the same item being bought twice.
Designating shelves: There's nothing more frustrating than having prepared yourself meals to take to work, or made yourself an after-dinner sweet snack, and then finding it gone by the time you've got around to eating it. Or - the more common occurrence in our household – buying yourself some ingredients which you intend to bake with (e.g. eggs) and then finding your father in law has treated himself to a four egg omelette. Avoid disasters such as this by designating each person a shelf in the fridge and using 'do not touch' labels for food items which are off limits to everyone else!
Take turns: For my fiancé and I, laundry days were Mondays and Thursdays, whilst my mother and father in law usually did theirs at the weekends. This little understanding meant there were no arguments (and we all had clean clothes to wear…)
From my personal experience, sticking to all these rules and just being as considerate as possible will make living with your children and grandchildren under the same roof a whole lot easier. And remember – it's not forever; we've been able to save enough for a deposit on a house in just seven months!
Leila Glen writes for journalistic.org, a journalistic co-operative that assists new journalists to make their mark and get their work published.
I'm with Leila about the best approach when a family will be moving in together. You can't plan for every situation, but some planning will help prevent bad feelings later on. Nothing needs to be set in stone, just take the time to think about how things will work. 
