Karen Lee describes years of emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of her husband - and the devastating effect of his death, just as she had summoned the courage to ask for a divorce.
"I had many symptoms of PTSD – physical pain, nightmares, anxiety, sleeplessness, drinking too much, inability to concentrate and low self-confidence."
To the outside world I was a middle class, successful business woman dressed in the latest designer suits with matching bag and shoes. A trained psychologist and management specialist, I consulted throughout the UK, Europe and the Middle East – but within our home, my life was very different. There, I was screamed at, insulted, threatened, and belittled by my husband. I was emotionally and psychologically abused on an almost daily basis and I felt trapped. Ashamed and embarrassed, I thought it was my responsibility to keep it concealed and to show a face to the world that would never indicate what was hidden behind our front door.
My husband held a Ph.D. in management and had a successful business career in Calgary, Alberta. We moved from Canada to England so he could take up a position at a respected university north of London. We had married after my first marriage failed. I was on my own with two young sons and no support. My new husband gave me the financial stability and, I hoped, the companionship I needed. He was an intelligent, handsome man who loved reading, music and the theatre – potentially a perfect partner – but I was wrong. While he wanted to look after us and even start a business partnership with me, he was extremely controlling. He would lose his temper over the slightest thing – in public or private. He didn't care if we were in a shopping mall, on a plane, or in the middle of the street. He would stand outside our house to scream obscenities at me, and in blind rages break chairs over the kitchen counter.
Ashamed and embarrassed, I thought it was my responsibility to keep it concealed and to show a face to the world that would never indicate what was hidden behind our front door.
I tried to reason with him, and went to therapy on my own to try to think of ways to deal with him. We even went to marital counselling sessions but nothing worked. He couldn't control his anger. Counsellors didn't seem to understand what I was going through and I felt obliged to "stick it out" to avoid telling my family I had failed again.
After living in England for two years, I found a counsellor who heard my anguish, and who said "Your husband's not going to change. Get out of the marriage."
Imagine the tragic irony that when I finally had the courage to tell my husband I wanted a divorce, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Eight months later he died in the London Clinic.
While devastated with grief from my husband's death, I also knew I needed to recover from the years of abuse I'd endured. I had many symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – physical pain, nightmares, anxiety, sleeplessness, drinking too much, inability to concentrate and low self-confidence. A therapist in London helped me to figure out why I had fallen victim to a bully and what I wanted for my own independent life. It was two steps forward and one back for about four years, but I healed with the support of friends and faith in the universe. Now I have a new life and a happy marriage.
Karen's memoir The Full Catastrophe, a true story about a woman's ability to heal and resurrect her life after the death of her abusive husband, is published by She Writes Press and is available from Amazon.
