Caring for 90 year old stepmother

I can't see why you should feel any guilt - you owe this woman nothing and your father had no right to ask you to look after her. Just get on with your own life and forget her.

Frankie I agree with Greatnan that you shouldn't feel any guilt, but I can quite see that you would, and it's easier said than done to 'move on'.
It sounds a very complicated emotional situation - you don't say how close you were to your father, or how independent Mildred is.
I think you should talk this through with someone face-to-face, who can help you work through all this. It sounds to me as though it goes back a lot further than the death of your father.
Your GP should be able to refer you to a qualified counsellor, I think.

Well, I suppose you could make sure she's in a good care home! I think it was very unfair of your father to ask this of you. I suppose he did it as there was no one else?
I agree with Jane that if you have problems of guilt over this a session with a councillor would help sort it in your mind.

Your father asked you to 'look after his wife' but that does not mean you have to do it yourself. If you interpret his request as 'ensure that she is looked after' then you can make arrangements for her on going care and leave it at that. She is not your stepmother, you owe her nothing. If she has money, she can pay for her own care, if not the state will pay, no one can expect you to fund her care.

The bottom line is that no one can care for someone that they do not genuinely care about.

Oh Frankie, you poor thing. Selfish fathers are everywhere, and they are good at recognising goodness in others and using it (I have one too). He had no right to 'bequeath' you his nasty second wife! I have promised my daughters that I will leave them very little to sort out when I go - have already downsized, written will and decided on simple woodland (which they know about). If we truly care for our children we should put things straight before we go and not leave them with emotional time bombs to put right.
Sounds like you have had a rough time with this man's thoughtless choices and you have every right to walk away from this situation. It also sounds like you could do with some support, I hope you can talk this through with someone soon. You should not feel guilty, try to draw a line and give yourself permission to look forward, to enjoy your childrens' futures and not be held back by the past.

Granny 23 has hit the nail on the head - as I used to say endlessly to relatives when I was a SW - caring for someone does not mean you have to provide it yourself, just find someone/somewhere else who can - your duty is then discharged. Try talking to local SS (!) and finding care for her, making it clear that you are not in a position to provide it.
Ditch the guilt! - life is too short!

Granny 23 has hit the nail on the head - as I used to say endlessly to relatives when I was a SW - caring for someone does not mean you have to provide it yourself, just find someone/somewhere else who can - your duty is then discharged. Try talking to local SS (!) and finding care for her, making it clear that you are not in a position to provide it.
Ditch the guilt! - life is too short!

totallly agree with you Mishap

Thanks to all you lovely ladies who replied to my post. I am very grateful for all advice, and shall be trying my hardest to put it into practice.