What the heck do I do?

I think the explanation that it is his illness can be spoken luckygirl. My brother (who was the most polite person you could meet) when in late stage dementia looked at another patient in the ward and said good grief what’s that. Yes it is embarrassing but presumably he can’t help it. Can you not explain to the agencies and see if they have anyone who can help. So sorry for your stress.

Luckygirl a sad situation indeed. I have no advice to give but did not want to "read and run"

How awful for you both.

There is also the difficulty that if he was in a hospital or care home many of the staff will be black. You will still be up against a brick wall.

My sympathy.

The weekend agency carers at my H's care home were all black as were most of the staff in hospital Drs and nurses alike.
It will not be solved by him not being at home, just not so awkward for you and the carer.
So sorry for you

In fact we live in the middle of the Herefordshire countryside and you can count the number of black people living this area on two hands - all the homes I visited looking for respite had all-white staff. So for him, in this context, it feels unfamiliar for him; and he is so vulnerable at the moment.

Sorry I am really of no help here but I wish you all the best and hope you find some way out.

Gosh that's a tough problem. As if things weren't hard enough. What happens if whoever turns up is black? If they just get on with the job might he get used to them and forget his prejudice as he finds out about them as a person?

Such a difficult situation for you Luckgirl. You have my sympathy.
Care agencies will have met these sort of problems before. My late fil with dementia, had very embarrassing behaviour issues and was thrown out of one lovely care home. We were very lucky to eventually find another home that would take him.
I hope you can find a solution.

My mother in law was the same Luckygirl it was difficult hearing the racist remarks coming out of the mouth of a 'sweet little old lady'.

I'm sure its not a new problem for agencies and hospitals. Surely the staff realise its the illness talking. I worked in mental health services for a long time so I learned how to separate the illness from the person.

My GD is a carer,has done live in care for dementia,community domicillary care,and currently working in residential care.

My GD is of white African dual heritage,she encounters this on a daily basis,especially as we are semi rural in the East of England.

Although only 20,she realises that this is the illness speaking and not the person and takes no offence.

Have been following your struggles * Lucky*,you are between the proverbial rock and hard place,and I feel for you

I would explain to the agency exactly as you’ve told us they will of encountered this before I’m sure, and may be able to accommodate him. Good luck.

Yes - you are right - I have explained but it seems like water off a duck's back! I still get sent profiles of black carers - I can only presume that this is because most of the carers are black. I am sure that any of them would be fine - but I do not want to risk triggering more paranoia.

Definitely a rock and a hard place!

Exactly lucky but a place you don’t deserve to be. I imagine you are being sent the profiles because they are the only people available. Doesn’t help you a bit but equally doesn’t mean the agency isn’t listening to you and understanding. I’m hoping for a miracle for you in the guise of a suitable white career who will not be upsetting for your husband. Love to you both.

Oh what a dilemma on top of all you've been through. Of course live-in care is a different dimension to a carer coming several times a day. I have no practical solution to offer, but hope that someone comes along who can tolerate his prejudice and be able to accept that it's the illness speaking not him. You must feel drained.

Oh gosh lucky I am so sorry you find yourself in this impossible situation. It seems as if you hit another obstacle at every turn. I wish I had an answer for you, or even a workable suggestion. I do hope you find a way through this nightmare maze soon.

I expect they send profiles of black carers because they'd be breaking the law if they didn't.

Can you have a close read of some of the profiles and study the photos and see if there's any that you yourself like the look of and investigate further. And somehow tell your husband that he must give her a chance and see how it goes. Of course it could be traumatic for the carer if she's abused by him - it must hurt.

I've recently been working with a middle-aged black South African carer and she's the kindest and most efficient woman you'd want around you - it's a pity that you're missing out on the service that people like her provide.

As if life were not complicated enough for you Lucky! Good luck and hope you find a new carer soon.

Indeed it is a pity - but what can I do? I cannot risk re-igniting the paranoia - no-one gets any sleep, apart from his fear and distress.

I absolutely take the point about breaking the law, which is why it is so hard to broach this with the agency.

You only get two or three profiles to look at so the choice is limited. I have liked several of them, but in the end my OH has to be the one to choose who he wants to wipe his bum and fix his catheter, even though his judgement is impaired. His reasoning is wrong on this case - but, as the thread title says: "What the heck can I do?"

I haven't got any help to offer, just wishing you good luck in your search for someone your DH will both like and enjoy being cared for by.

I’m sure River is right - the agency simply could not lawfully send you only the profile of white careers - they would be discrimination against their black staff. I don’t think you should mention the issue again to the agency - I think they might be within their rights to take you off their books. All you can do is cross your fingers and hope a white carer crops up. Sorry this is so hard for you.

I feel so very sorry for you lucky and my tendency is to be on your side and suggest that before you get too exhausted and drained of all emotional strength you grasp the nettle and tell him it's the carer who's sent, whatever their ethnic origins, or residential care in the all white rest home.

I tend to feel that as it will come to that eventually, it is better to happen now and not let the illness be an excuse for you being run into the ground.

Poor you

could you advertise for someone born locally ,using the local area as an excuse .Maybe say your husband would like someone who has memories of the area where he grew up an dhas lived all his life so they could share experiences to keep him interested and amused.If as you say balck faces are rare in the area chances are you'll get white locals only.

could you advertise for someone born locally ,using the local area as an excuse .Maybe say your husband would like someone who has memories of the area where he grew up an dhas lived all his life so they could share experiences to keep him interested and amused.If as you say balck faces are rare in the area chances are you'll get white locals only.

sorry for the double post ,no idea how that happened