How thoughtless is it to be late?

I also err on the side of caution and have been known to arrive ridiculously early. I have friends who live 2 doors away and I have stopped cooking a meal that is to be ready for eg 15 minutes after their ETA because it would be spoiled. I now wait until they arrive. I think that it is plain rude unless there is a very good explanation.

I agree it's rude, in fact very rude, but they get away with it because we are too polite to say anything. We have some friends and also a family member who do this and we now seldom see them because it's easier on the stress levels not to!

Perhaps you could have said "Oh I assumed you weren't coming after all so I didn't save any food. Sorry" Or perhaps, like me, you wouldn't do that!

A woman after my own heart, Soutra. I am also married to a man whose family have no conception of punctuality or seem to think lateness is something for which you should apologise. Having been brought up to be the opposite, it was difficult to come to terms with, and I got fed up with making special meals for visits and watch them deteriorate by the hour.After many years of inner seething, I've given up making a real effort for those who don't seem to notice and just pull out the stops for those who do.
Fortunately there are enough of those on both sides of the family to make it worth while.
Have you got a nearby takeaway? If we did, I think I might consider that as a broad hint!

I just wouldn't invite them again!

Very tempting, janeainsworth, but when it's DH's family, it could cause bad feeling all round!

I would have said it was a generational thing but as it is DH's sisters that can't be the case. I agree it is very rude, especially if you know someone is preparing food.

I also leave home really early to meet people and have spent many a half hour sitting in my car in some pub car park waiting for friends because (a) I have arrived early and (b) they have arrived late. I now arrange to meet them inside the pub so I can at least be warm and have the odd -glass of wine- coffee while I am waiting!

Well Nannyfran I think DH would agree with me on that one! And anyway he doesn't issue invitations

Fair enough janeainsworth, I wish mine would adopt the same attitude.

I am always punctual my OH is not. I cannot abide being late for anything and it often caused huge rows between us. We were not only noticeable by our lateness but by the steam coming out of my ears grrrrr.

I have been known to go without him on occasion. He embarrassed me dreadfully at a funeral arriving just as the service was about to commence seconds before the coffin was carried in.

It seems to be a family trait his awful mother is just the same.

Soutra you could be describing DH cousin.

I love him to bits but he also drives me mad. His partner despairs of him.
When challenged about it he just smiles and gives you the blarney. At 70 he's never going to change. I do think it's rude though.

I too am the sort to sit in the car for 15-20 mins because I'm early.

Can't abide latecomers, especially when it is done through a 'well, it's not that important to me' attitude! It's bad manners and should be important because I am the one hanging around

Next time they are coming, could you plan something that absolutely HAS to be eaten the moment it is ready - a souffle, say?

Tell them it is a really nice souffle recipe, which you are looking forward to having, but that it will be ready at X o'clock precisely and that you will be pouring pre-meal drinks at X minus 30 mins so that everyone will be ready to eat the souffle at its best.

Then do exactly as you planned, put the souffle in in the oven, pour your drinks and drink them, and when the oven timer rings, serve up the meal and sit down and eat it.

Have some sandwiches ready for them if they are not on time, and say that you are so sorry, but it was starting to sink and spoiling and you had to finish up their helpings as seconds. Say more than once how good it was and what a shame that they missed it and how are their sandwiches?

If they are bright enough to get a subliminal message in all this. good. If not, it may have to be repeated ("Remember that gorgeous souffle we had last month? We are having it again on Saturday next. Would you like to join us? X o'clock then.")

That sort of lateness in UNACCEPTABLY RUDE in very shouty capitals, it is also a display of arrogance, imo.

My late (hah!) stepfather suffered from this, but not to such an extent. His was habitually half an hour, no more, so we just told him a different time to anyone else.

It is rude to be so late without real reason other than dis-organisation and thoughtlessness! I would go ahead with any planned meals and sit and watch them eat sandwiches!

i was brought up to believe that if an invitation said 4;00p.m. arrival should be about 4:10

I am punctual but DH is always too early and allows ages to get to places..I have been known to make him find a cafe for a cuppa before we knock on a door 3/4 hour early! We have 2 trains an hour from our station so we know the times well. It takes us 2 minutes from front door to platform but DH is always ready to leave the house 15 minutes before the train is due!

Can't stand being late. I even turned up early for my wedding. Had to sit in the car until the previous bride came out of the church.

The thing is Penstemmon that if you are only 2 minutes from wherever you are getting on the bus or train, and you are 3 minutes late leaving the house, you've missed it.
But if you have a 15 minute walk to the bus stop like I do, and you are 3 minutes late setting off, you can walk briskly or run and still be there in time.
However, I sympathise with your DH. I used to be very laid-back about times and run onto station platforms and leap onto trains, but now find that far too stressful and would much rather be early. Perhaps it's an age thing!

Two of our daughters are very conscious of being on time, the third and eldest is always late so we have taken to lying about when a meal will be ready.

I hate habitual lateness ... find it extremely rude.

I think it arrogant behaviour - people wouldn't turn up late for the queen would they!

I was very naughty once with a friend who was habitually late. We agreed to meet for lunch at 12.30. After 15mins I decided to go and do some shopping. At 12.50 the phone call came, "Hi, I'm here, where are you"? I replied, "as I realised you were going to be late, I'm doing some shopping, give me 10 mins".She knows now, if she is late, I won't be standing waiting for her.

Haven't read the entire thread, but I agree with those who think the kind of lateness described in the OP is just plain rudeness, the sort shown by utterly selfish people. I would not wait, not make other guests wait, for people like that.

I wouldn't invite them to my house for a meal either.

I said it was arrogant, up there somewhere ^ ^ ^

River. I wouldn't bother turning up

Penstemon, is your husband a clone of mine? He is obsessively early, and while I'm never late I do draw the line at arriving so early that we have to have a 'conversation' about waiting in the car until an appropriate time comes to present ourselves wherever we are going.

One of our nephews and his wife are the only family members who don't conform to the pattern, they don't get invitation from anyone, and have to eat cold dinners or leftovers. It doesn't seem to bother them and we've all stopped stressing about them.

Totally agree Bags we know knew people who were habitually late. The last time we invited them round we gave up on them after an hour and took ourselves off to a local hostility.