ttgran. Oh you poor girl! I am so sorry! It never rains lest it pours does it not?
I'm glad you posted your message even if you're not sure why you did. There will be so many people who understand your distress and can give you comfort.
Trouble among adult children is not in the least bit unusual, indeed it is so common I would go so far as to say it is practically normal in statistical terms. People hide it or concentrate on the good times so the amount of it is not revealed.
I have had my own distress with adult children and have seen my friends go through it in a very big way too. One friend, whose has been a widower for many years, has two daughters who refuse to be under the same roof and who have kept up their feud for over 10 years.
Obviously, in expecting you to take sides, your daughter is being unfair and unrealistic, especially as she is a parent herself. The bit about not bringing the Grandchildren to see you smacks of manipulation and suggests to me that her sister may have reason for avoiding her. In many families, and I mean very many, there is at least one member who has a personality which causes trouble in relationships and creates distress between people. I had to endure my mother's personality problems and then, in a far worse and more merciless way, my older half-sister. We could not have a family event or time such as Christmas without her causing a terrible row and upset. So in the end I tried to avoid contact. As I started to mention it to friends, I learned just how many other people had the same problem.
I know how distressing this is and that you are very upset and do not know how to address it. It feels like the end of the world at the moment. Please try to take great care of yourself, in the first instance. Treat yourself well, have a treat like going to the hairdresser or doing something you enjoy. Do things that bring you into contact with your friends in your generation. Concentrate on your own life. Your children are now adults so try to let go. Make sure you tell yourself every time the worrying thoughts about this schism come into your mind, that this is their problem, they are adults now, you do not have to sort it out and you are not going to be manipulated. When your daughter realises you are not affected (apparently) by her blackmailing words, she will at first perhaps try harder to hurt you, but eventually she will see that you regard her as an adult who must sort out her own problems now and that threatening you will make no difference to what you do. You will always love her, you are her mother, but you cannot be manipulated to come between your children.
I do hope you have some good friends who can take you out and keep you occupied in pleasant things to keep your mind off this as far as is possible. This problem will not go on in its intensity as it is a the moment. If your daughter decides never to heal the breach with her sister, that is not something you can alter. You must look after yourself. Things will get better, I promise. You will adapt and become very wise through all this.
Even having to go through the worst scare and the tests that finding a lump engenders, can actually bring with it some silver linings to that cloud. You will meet people, and who knows what kind friends you might make, even someone who has great advice about family matters like yours? Never give up hope. We can get through these things and are not alone. If you get the worst diagnosis, even that is so different today from say, 5 years ago. It is a journey and you will make it and even find bits of it enjoyable. It will be interesting, certainly. Please remember, from now on, you are No.1: You do whatever you want! You enjoy life. If you fancy some chocolate cake then you have some!
God bless you, I shall be thinking of you and sending much love, Lx