Interviews with famous people/politicians and diary extracts, not entirely serious! [smile]

Sweetie Pie

Don't worry, darling, you must pop in to see your Granny; she must be exhausted after the busy time she has had with the American visitors and especially keeping that smile plastered on her face! I expect she's enjoying a well-deserved Dubonnet and gin cocktail, sitting with her feet up.

A. has been very fretful much of the day. Nanny plonked him in front of the tv (naughty Nanny) in his bouncing chair and he started screaming. Nanny's excuse was that she thought he could look out for you as you did your duty mingling with the visitors. When he did catch a glimpse of you in the background she said that he smiled, but I think it must have been wind as she said he then saw that Mr T, went red in the face and filled his nappy. Apparently it was quite an explosion.

Miss you, love you, hurry home
Your little snuggle-bunny
xxxxx

xx from Archie

Note found in grounds of Windsor Castle
Darling M,
Just had to slip out for a bit. Going round to Granny's to check she is OK. Didn't want to wake you after A was so cranky in the night. Have a good sleep my darling and then do something really relaxing, take A for a walk in that super new pram or you could put him in the jogger buggy and try that out, you'll soon be super-fit again. I wouldn't bother watching TV if I was you it's all that Trump visit and I know how much you hate him!!!! You could go on Netfix and watch a box set (Maybe Suits Ha Ha).
If it all gets too much for you you can call on Nanny. I might be back quite late I think Granny wants me to do her a favour or something. Dad &C might be there as well, so I'll have to tell them all about A and how he is thriving. I'll probably have lunch with them so just get something for your self.
See you later snuggle-bunny
Love Hxxx

?

HM to Corbyn

You are on your last warning …..

? lemon brilliant, thank you

Intercepted email extract from Jeremy Corbyn to HM the Queen

.......Having spent all my life fighting against things that I don’t like or don’t want to do, I can’t stop now I’m afraid your Majesty.I had decline the invitation to the state banquet for * both* of those reasons, plus I like to eat early
And plain vegetarian fare only, and I hate dressing up.
When I am PM ( this year hopefully!?) there will be no meetings by me of anyone that I don’t approve of, which sadly means half of the world at least.Hamas leaders will be welcome of course, anyone from Cuba or Venezuela etc.
Fair minded and upright people only.
I also disapprove of expensive meals and exotic fruits and flowers at the banquet, my allotment would provide organic carrots, raspberries and lupins.
Furthermore you really shouldn’t have all those chandeliers
going.....the electricity! Think of the planet.

The 6 was meant to be a B ( Becket)

6

Intercepted text message from Jeremy Corbyn

I understand there is a mature lady wandering around London intercepting important politicians (like myself). I have not received any instruction from Momentum on how to deal with this kind of situation (you will recall I ran away from an elderly gentleman some time ago and recently from a news cameraman). Please send instruction asap as until I receive the same I will be unable to leave my bedroom.

Dearest Annunziata
I think the little green monster has found a place in someone's head and needs to be driven out. Envy is a sin my dearest.
Only the other day Jacob was telling me how proud he was that you have obtained a place on the other Parliament and were supporting that Mr Farage. (Although he hasn't always been complimentary about that person, who I think you should realise is not quite a gentleman).
Jacob also says if you are writing a book do please try and get a good advance from a publisher, because, he says, the public now have attrocious reading habits and don't recognise decent writing. I wish you all the best with your endeavour. (I do have some of the Chilprufe knickers you wore when you were 8, I can send them to you if it would help your research).
I think you should realise that Jacob has supported me for a long period even having six children so I could stay actively employed. (And silly me it's Sixtus not Septimus. I sometimes lose count!). He's also taken me on nice little trips around the country where I have been able to tell people how wonderful he is.
Do you think anti-histamines would help with the cat problem ? Although I must admit I have been looking more carefully at the move and I am worried that there will not be room for everyone.
You are and always will be my special little girl. Take care and watch out for that Mr Junker I have heard stories about him.
With love and care
Nanny. x

Email from Theresa May to Donald Tusk

Dear Mr Tusk,
Thank you for your kind message.Perhaps it was a little unwise of you to include the anecdote of what happened in the corridor, to be quite honest I was shocked! And involving Mr Junker too, you hear of these things but rarely see evidence of it.I am keeping a printed out copy, just in case it comes in useful, and will pass it on to my successor.
I was surprised by your cake and cherries jibe/jest I must admit but that is all water under the bridge now, and I am planning my Summer holiday ( away from Europe) and all the vexation of Parliament.
Do enjoy your Summer break too.
Theresa May

Extract from Intercepted email from Donald Tusk to Theresa May

..... and I never really had the chance to say a proper
Goodbye to you which is the great shame, as I always admired you.Yes, I know, I make joke about cake and cherries and so on, but that is just my little ways and no bad thing intended.I may also have been on the vodka that night, you know what our EU little after dinner parties are like, haha.You are always welkome ( please excuse if wrong spellings or word) even ( or if! Haha) when Brexit takes place.
When will it take place btw? So little time, so many thing to do I think. Have you decide yet on new PM, is it Boris?
We like him here, so amusing, he likes vodka alright too, which is good, also the red wine.We hoping it is him anyways.
I must be telling you what happened, haha one night after a late party, there was being me, Barnier, Merkel and Guy, and we were all helping each others along a corridor, very merry haha when of a sudden there was big crash and .......
..........

End of intercepted email extract.

Dear Nanny

How sad you have made me feel.
I always knew that Jakey was your favourite, now confirmed alas. I'm afraid that he has managed to pull the wool over your eyes his whole life as he does so many people.
Do not be deceived.

In my spare time in Brussels, of which there will be much, I intend to write a best-selling book about the history of drawers and knickerbockers, so your advice was most timely.

Despite all, you will always be my beloved Nanny

Annunziata-Never-Nancy

ps resist the house move with all your being - I know you are allergic to cats.

Dearest Annunziata,
Thank you for your lovely letter. But I am afraid someone has bitten off more than they can chew. Do you remember what I always said Little steps for little people and leave the giant strides to others. I must admit I was very tempted by your offer, especially the promise of chocolates and lace, but then I realised that this would mean me going abroad. Do you not remember what I always taught you, 'Britain is Best' ? (I am sure Jacob does). So unfortunately I will have to refuse your offer.
But I must issue some advice before you go. Firstly go to M&S and buy some big knickers. I am sure you have not taken up the modern concept of wearing those things called thongs, but I do suspect that since I stopped purchasing your underwear you may have slipped into something more frilly and fancy. It is simply not safe to wear such things around foreigners.
Secondly take your own tea and cutlery. They can't make the first and don't wash the second.
Thirdly when you want to be understood speak slowly and loudly in English, everyone understands that.
I am not going to make any comments about your dreadful accusations about Jacob, I warned you a long time ago that when little girls tell lies their nose grows. I think the results are obvious.
I also believe that in the very near future Jacob will need me more than ever as we may move house. He keeps saying "Hold your fire" and "Not this time the next"
I do know a very nice girl who might fit your requirements and whose head will not be turned by the EU lotharios. I will send you her details and you will safely be able to leave your children with her.
Personally I know I am really needed here particularly by darling Septimus who is like a little model of his father, so clever and obedient.
Don't forget to say your prayers.
Affectionately Nanny

Dear Nanny

Thank you so much for your letter of congratulations on my recent success in being elected MEP for the East of England. I am so thrilled that the attention is at last focussed on me and not Jakey - can't tell you how elated I feel to have got one over on him at last!
Now, as you know, I am usually full-time mummy to my darlings but I really, really, need some help now. I know that Jakey is your favourite (don't hide it) but please, please can you bear to tear yourself away and come with me to Brussels?

Before you make your decision, I want to tell you a few home truths about Jakey. I know I've said in the press that he was a wonderful brother - but do you remember all those times you made me sit on the naughty step for squealing or making a fuss? All the time Jakey was beaming beatifically and dutifully reciting his history lessons, he was pulling my plaits - you didn't notice because he is rather devious like that. He was always your Best Boy, but, believe me, he's not The Messiah - he's a Very Naughty Boy.

So please, Nanny, would you consider coming to Brussels with me - we could have a lovely time eating Belgian chocolate, buying lace and enjoying canal trips. Nigel has assured me that this will be just a jolly and that very little work will be involved - we could even fit in a quick trip to Strasbourg too.

Please, Nanny, I do need you to fend off all those pesky Remainers

Yours for ever
Annunziata-Never-Nancy

Itercepted e-mail from TB to AC
Hiya!
How are you doing? Seems ages since we had a meet up. Caught you on TV the other night socking it to JC and it brought back so many memories. We had a ball didn't we???? And for a moment I wondered should we do it all again??? Must have said something out loud because C protested quite loudly that she "wasn't prepared to live in that shit-hole again". Which I thought gave me even more reason for doing it and just goes to prove that give a working class girl a taste of the good life and she'll never go back. She will always demand gold taps in the bathroom and an island in the kitchen. Anyway pleased to see that you can still make the headlines when you want to, and thought the baffled, innocent look suited you very well. (Amazing that no one pointed out you knew the rule book inside out, you'd used it so many times to keep the rabble in order). So we must have a meet up soon. Maybe you could pop round to Connaught Square (but best phone first C gets a bit fractious about people just dropping in) and we could open a bottle of Petrus. We could drink to the future of the Party (if it's got one)!! Ha-ha!!!!
All the best and thanks for the memories. Tone

Like it phoenix ?

Haha, wonderful! Thanks for adding your contributions,
Keep them coming.?

Well, can you imagine how thrilled I was to be granted an exclusive interview with a Downing Street resident?

I was forewarned that security would be tight, but nobody thought to mention that the door would be too! It was quite a struggle getting in, I can tell you.

I regained my composure and adjusted my suit before being ushered into "the presence".

He was looking well groomed, with a slightly nonchalant air, and had opted for the "collar but no tie" look.

After exchanging a few pleasantries, I opened my notepad and went straight into the burning issue of the day.

"I understand that there is a certain amount of animosity between you and another personality and that relations between you can be fraught, to say the least?"

I was told that reports of actual fighting were exaggerated, it had merely been a sort of "Mexican standoff" although it was admitted that there had been some name calling and swearing.

I pressed on. "So, do you deny that you spat at him?"

Apparently it wasn't spitting as such, although the proximity of the two to each other did mean that some saliva may have landed on the face of the other party.

Moving on, I asked about relations with the current incumbent, and if there were any thoughts or preferences with regard to who might be next.

I was told that providing there were no drastic changes to the running of the household, it was anticipated that the installation of a new PM should go quite smoothly.

Feeling that there was not much more to be gained from the interview, I thanked him and prepared to leave.

One of his aides handed me a beautifully wrapped gift, although what I'm supposed to do with a dead mouse remains to be seen.

I popped my head back through the door to thank him, but as he had one leg in the air and was licking his bottom, I thought it best not to disturb him.

But still, it was a great privilege to meet Larry!

Naughtily leaked letter from the Worshipful company of wig makers and merkin manufacturers of Britain to Rt Hon Boris Johnston.

Dear sir,
We wish to congratulate you on your continued support for our ancient trade. Not many men who are as bald as you continue to sport a wig - and such a wig! The demand for the comedy hairpiece that you champion so bravely has, regrettably, not increased due, we think, to those people in East Enders (a Television programme). You have been so successful in your wig promotion that we now have an order from a prominent American 'politician' . However, we are having difficulty locating 'hair' of such a tough texture and unfortunate colour. But hey ho business is business as you well know.
I would like to suggest some variations to your model though. Would you consider an egg proof or milk shake proof version for your forthcoming leadership efforts? Additionally I would like to humbly suggest that we manufacture a blonde version of the 'C U Jimmy' hat for any forays that you may plan North of the border? That would be bound to allay the fears of the 'Scot Gnats' and other irritants?
Mr Johnston, you are assured of the continued support of our ancient profession.

With our best wishes for the forthcoming election,

J Smith (Bigs Wigs inc)

PS please find enclosed invoice. If not settled soon we may have to send in bailiffs to reclaim your wig. There have been a number of voluntary offers for this job.

gilly. so funny,

Dear Granny in law

Just a quick note to ask if there is any chance you and granddaddy could babysit for us on Saturday night ? I know it’s short notice but H and I have been invited around to George’s and I really, really, really want to go. I honestly wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t so desperate for a night out and a little break from nappies and feeding, you know how it is?

Trust H to mix up the nanny rota and give them all the same night off, leaving me completely stuck like this.

Anyway it’s no problem if you can’t, I’ll just get mummy to fly over for a day or two.

Love ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya

M x

In the rubbish at No 10
Dear ??????
Well a few words to welcome you to your new home. Firstly the rumour that there is to be a revolving door installed is absolutely untrue (but I wouldn't bother to unpack the best china!). Now the tap in the en-suite bathroom drips unless you turn it off very firmly, and you may find this disturbs you when you lie awake at night, wondering who in the cabinet is currently planning to stab you in the back. In the winter there is a terrible draft under the study door ,we had a cute knitted -dashund draught excluder I called Angela (ha-ha). Philip says that he wouldn't bother with what it's like in the winter if he were you. He also says if it's Boris to warn you that the third stair from the top squeaks alarmingly and will wake anyone up when you return home in the early hours (how he knows this I really have no idea). We have been very happy here and we do hope you will be too. I leave knowing I have always done my best (You will be surprised at how clean the cupboards now are. They really needed bottoming when I moved in). So welcome to your new home once my home and the home (sob) I loved.
T

Intercepted email from Angela Merkel to Theresa May.
Heil there Frau May, or 'May' I call you Theresa? (hilarious German joke! I am good at these).
Sorry how things worked out for you back home. We'll all miss you on your many missions to try to get us to change our minds. What fun we all had. I realise now that this was behind your back but now you can join us all! You have a few weeks to make lots of trouble. The boys and I have some great ideas to share. We have a blow up Boris for example. (That's a suggestion for you too! More hilarious German humour.)
Anyway, the main point of this missive is to ask if I could have your jackets and huge necklaces as you won't be needing them any more and I could do with a change of image. You can look forward to retirement in your comfortable sportswear and fleeces as you and Philip spend your long days in garden centres.
Auf Weidersehen,
Angela!

It’s hard to get the Queen’s voice really, as she doesn’t show much of her feelings in public, we can only guess!