On the packed bus in London with my GS when his very loud, piercing voice asked 'Grandma, why are your knickers on the floor? The day before's must have been in my jeans and worked their way down my jean leg!
B u t far far more embarrassing..........(From last summer)
The Mince (might be TMI or distressing)
This year we decided to sell our motorhome and move to a car and tent, so this camping merlarky is a skill in progress. Being a lady who likes my comfort we decided to invest in a fair quality porta potti, unfortunately being novices we didn't think to buy a tent in which to house it and in temperatures of 30° +, even I could recognise that a pot of unmentionable wasn't something I fancied at my pillowcase. So, bearing in mind that my mobility is a little limited, and downright painful at times, I was exceptionally brave (or downright stupid), to insist that we pitch our tent right at the top of the site 'So that I get lots of exercise'.
First thing, in the morning, before my meds kick in, it can take me nearly 15 minutes to get down that steep hill, practising those pelvic floors all the way, but I've done it, every day and been proud to get there (and back)! No amount of pelvic floors was helping me this morning though, and I blame the cheese!
Anyway, this morning, it started well, I managed my first morning round trip pretty well in fact I swear I'm speeding up (hubby says not, but his watch runs fast I'm sure), and returned to bountiful congratulatory greetings from Roxy. Meds and first mug of tea down, I await the start of my second call of nature. Ready, but waiting I lie back down, listening to the breeze, and the rustle of leaves on trees, this really is an idyllic spot, there's no getting away from it, and Rox who has taken to tent camping perfectly, lies down in her usual position, next to me.
Suddenly, POP! POP, POP, POP, POP! Accompanied by gurgling from my tummy, and the smell......'Roxy' I say, in my best accusatory voice whilst trying to plea to her with my eyes not to dob me in to hubby, stinky doggy, POP, POP, POP, POP, POP, accompanied by stronger gurgling, similar to that sound when the kitchen sink is blocked and you attack it with gusto with the plunger, and succeed in unblocking the blockage. This is becoming worrying, oh bugger it I KNOW what this means, a volcanic eruption is about to take place in my nether regions and SOON!
Quick I think, options, what are my options? Porta Potti? No its not got any fluids in etc, still in its plastic wrapping. Saucepan? No, not big enough for this. I'm just going to have to do it, and hope I make it. Quick, bra on, knickers (tightest ones, might help), dress, sandals, loo roll, in bag, wipes in bag, stick, and off I go, the fastest mince down the hill trying to keep my face looking normal. I tell you, Poirrot would be proud of my mince, little steps, shallow fast breathing, oh Lordy, I'm getting light headed....no breathe normally, stop, no don't stop, breathe normally but mince, tiny steps, and clench, come on Sally you can do this, remember your pelvic floors, ok bugger the pelvic floors, just squeeze those cheeks. Ok help is needed, I know, use hand to help cheeks stay firmly shut, no, that not enough (big bum, small hands), oh Christ I need two hands, I've got to do this, I know, lose the stick, mince Sally, mince, halfway there, hand on each cheek, on tip toe by now, not far now, I'm going to make it and yes, I've made it, quick in to loo, lift seat and sit, and relax. OMG that's good, but no, hang on, there's something wrong.....I look down, no I can't have, oh no, FFS I forgot to pull my blasted knickers down..........