When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

You may not have a choice. My mum has severe dementia and there was no alternative. She is happy!

My DIL works on the dementia floor of a care home , they have no cases of CV , they have very strict hygiene , and they are very caring

I watched some lovely elderly folk all clapping and banging stuff for the NHS. It struck my as totally ironic and I felt so sad.

As most care home residents have dementia Whitewave, you may be in no position to make a choice.

My experience of care homes is that all but a few have good caring staff. In recent weeks many have been heroic in their care of their residents.

However this disease particularly affects the old and especially the old with underlying health problems - and you are unlikely to be in a care home unless you are not both old and ill.

You might as well say, that if you are old and infirm during this epidemic you would not go into hospital for ventilation because well over 50% of those who do die, probably higher if you are over 80.

My mother in law was living in a house too large for her but didn’t want a care home. She’s moved into a McCarthy and Stone apartment for the 70 pluses. They have very caring management and a call buzzer system if they need help. She loves it there. Always says it’s the best thing she did. It helps that she’s still mobile and lucid at 88 of course. They are in strict lockdown at the moment but they’re all managing fine with the help of the management. Seems a good option if you don’t want a care home.

Unfortunately as others have said you may not have a choice. My Mum, 4 years ago, suddenly lost the use of her legs and the only option was for her to go into care. She has a lovely room, is looked after very well and while it is not what she would choose is very happy. She will be 98 next Sunday. She has had no illness since being in there and is probably medically better than she was when at home. From the family's point of view we can relax more knowing she is safe.
In the four years she has been there the facility was locked down for 10 days with a flu outbreak one year. Other than that no issues until now and they are in lockdown but have no cases of CV so far.

I couldnt stand it.

Neither could my mother whom we nursed until her death at 101 in January. She was bed ridden towards the end of her life but remained independent until the end with us constantly at her bedside throughout the day she died.

The way we are treating our elderly folk in care homes at the moment is not the way a civilised society behaves. Families can’t visit, they are dying alone. It doesn’t matter how caring the home is it isn’t the persons family who can sit and gently see her into the next world.
No scrutiny is being carried out. Doctors aren’t visiting. The carers can’t protect themselves or the folk they are caring for.

At least if you are in your own home you have control of the situation.

Our family keep their old and demented at home with them. I remember my great-granny sitting in the corner of the huge farm kitchen muttering about something or other till she was given a pan of potatoes to peel, or a basket of peas to shell.

That kept her happy for ages.

She had to be locked in her room at night or she would wander off and once was found fast asleep on some straw bakes in a barn of over-wintering cows.

Hey! The good old days - what?

Saw Ed Balls saying his mother is happy in her card home. Surely he, and others, have the capacity to fetch her home until this is all over? Or at least until the situation improves,

Doctors are visiting, people are not dying alone. I’ve personally held the hands of those dying until they slip away as have carers. They are not being dragged off to die in a hospital bed at the unthinking behest of relatives as has often happened before this. It has bought in a more thoughtful and compassionate system. We cannot and should not try to cheat death. I am grateful that, when I go out to a bed bound, advanced dementia, non verbal person with Parkinson’s who is breathing their last but without a DNACPR, I do not have to break their ribs, ram a tube down their throats and drill a needle into their bones but I am now allowed to hold their hands and give them medication to keep them comfortable.
I know which death I would prefer and would want for my loved ones.

Your Mum was lucky to have such a caring family Whitewave not everyone is as fortunate. I understand your feelings in the present crisis but its not so bleak under more normal circumstances.
Your last sentence assumes that you will always be physically and mentally capable which is not the case for so many older people.

It would have made no difference to my mother in her care home whether we were there or not when she died a few years ago since she hadn’t known any of us for a few years. (Advanced dementia). But one of us was with her all the time anyway.

Having been heavily involved with 2 relatives with dementia (mother and FiL) for more years than I care to remember, including 24/7 care, I have actively stated in my Health and Welfare P of A that if I ever develop dementia, or any other condition where I’m unable to care for myself, I emphatically do not want my daughters to have the worry and burden of looking after me.
Just find me a reasonably nice care home, please - yes, they do exist. All those where relatives stayed were lovely, and no, they weren’t by any means the most expensive.

The situation of people in homes in this emergency are no different from people in their own homes going into hospital.

If I became ill now, I would be stuck at home with my family unable to visit. I do have my DH with me, but if I was ill, it is highly probable that he would be as well. Two old people, alone, ill and without anyone with us, we would have no control of the situation.

If we went into hospital. our family would be stuck hundred's of miles away and they would not be able to be with us in hospital when we died, even if they lived next door. The situation is the same for all of us, at home or in Homes.

Whitewave How can you know you couldn't stand it, if you have no experience of care homes. I was responsible for the care of two childless aunts and uncles, who eventually ended in care. One of them, who did not have dementia, had founght going into care, struggling at home, unable to care for himself, despite having a marvellous carer. Eventually he had to go to hospital suffering from self-neglect. He then moved to residential care.He was really happy there and regretted that he hadn't gone in earlier. He was in care for over 6 years and was as happy as I had known him.

The other couple both had dementia and when we had to move them into care were at first quite convinced they were in a hotel on holiday and kept assuring the staff they would visit again. Later they thought it was their own home.

My mother was In a care Home for the last year of her life and hated every second of it. I visited every day to make sure things were as they should be. It was a newish Home and as good as it could be BUT each time I went she asked me to take her home. I did all I could to make her happy there. We were able to bring in her own furniture and curtains. She had lots of visitors and she was taken to her church every Sunday. I took her out for a walk most days in a wheelchair and down to th sea for an ice cream . I felt so guilty not having her home with me but it was impossible. All she wanted was her own bungalow. That’s all apart from the expense. I too hope I never go into a home. ?

A thoughtless and dismissive remark Whitewave particularly for those on GN who may already be in sheltered accommodation or who may have a partner or family member in residential care.
Yes what we are seeing on the media is worrying, but so are people struggling with an elderly or sick partner at home, or living alone and relying on carers each day and the attendant risks that might involve.
Personally, I think cruise ships pose a much greater hazard but at least those choosing to cruise have made that choice and it is not a matter of necessity.
It might be an idea in future to think of the effect of your sweeping remarks on other people.

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Dizzyblonde thank you for a thoughtful, informed and above all, humane response and ???for all you do.

Nor me Whitewave

My Father had as severe stroke, heart attack and finally dementia.
He had begged my sister and I not to put him a care home ever!

As part of his job, my father had visited numerous care homes and saw what went on behind the scenes.

We kept our promise and he only went to into a nursing home for a few days before he passed away.

WW2, please bear in mind that most people (about two thirds) don't end up in a care home - thankfully!

Tbh unless you have dementia, I don’t think that you need to go into a home. We arranged for a carer to go in 4 times a day. So morning, personal care and breakfast. Lunch and personal care. Evening meal and personal care and last thing to tuck her up for the night. She had a cleaner go in once a week and who also did the laundry.We did the emotional support and other stuff that families do. Including cooking her meals to be given to her at the appropriate time. Mum was a very picky eater and we were able to give her exactly what she wanted to eat, cooked in the way she preferred. We also did her personal washing.
She was happy with all her stuff around her and her massive tv (eye sight nearly gone).

My worry was that at times we weren’t there that she was lonely, but she said that there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. She had a good deal of inner resource, spending the day doing the guardian crossword, reading, listening to the radio and watching tv.

I suspect that the choice you make has a lot to do with character.

Witzend, we failed to find a 'reasonably nice' care home for our mother (tried three in her last year).

Oh yes, they appeared to be very nice, caring, considerate, doing their best. Daytime visits (especially after lunch) certainly gave that impression.

They were incapable of delivering what they promised, though. With no minimum staffing ratio at night, even the luxury ones we tried seriously neglected their elderly inmates.

My mother had all her marbles - and a mobile phone. She'd often phone me, and the police, at night.

Early morning and late evening surprise visits from me revealed some truly disturbing common practices - all due to lack of time and lack of staff!

Not a thoughtless remark just stating an opinion based on fact.

Having removed my Husbands Grandmother three times before we found a half decent care home for her.

My Father due to being hospitalised several times over 12 year period was often placed in a care home for respite.
I could give you a long list of complaints.

The worst of which was not calling a doctor, when he developed shingles on his face.
By the time we had insisted several times that something was wrong, he was finally rushed into hospital with encephalitis.

Just look at how many home are on the Amber or even Red list

Carehomes are a money making investment for the owners and are mainly staffed by poorly qualified employees barely out of school on minimum wage.

In the late 80s,My best friends uncle won a considerable amount of money on the football pools.
His financial advisor's advice?
Buy a couple of care homes.
Which he did!

Care of the disabled and elderly is one problem that can be less bad if a lot of money is spent on it.

Would warehousing the elderly be good enough if the care homes were really well staffed? You have to pay decent wages to get enough good trained staff.

Both my DH and myself feel the same way and have promised each other we will do our best to provide care at home for as long as we can. However dementia is the final decision maker.
I have never visited a Care Home that didn't stink of urine and this alone puts me off completely.
We nursed my Mum who had dementia amongst other ailments, and it was difficult, really difficult, and there were times when quite honestly I could have slapped her.
For example, she was doubly incontinent and if we didn't get to her in time she'd take her pad off and 'play' with the contents, which as you can imagine made for considerable extra work in the cleaning department.
We did book her into a home so we could have a break and she wept non-stop. Mind you she was still unhappy in her own home and really wanted to live with us.
Homes are not happy places, and I definitely do not want to go into one.