Shut down threats of estrangement

Good question, IMO! I think it's partly b/c many young people today won't accept some of the behaviors many of us used to accept in our parents/PILs years ago. We may have objected to unsolicited advice, for example, or GPs "spoiling" the GC by breaking parental rules, etc. But even if it persisted in spite of our complaints, most of us wouldn't have thought of cutting the GPs off. (NOT saying these are things you or your sister have done.)

But I also think it's b/c of the Internet. As valuable as the Web is in so many ways, it does to spread the idea of 'going NC (no contact)." Young parents, such as those on Mumsnet, often advise each other to do just that.

I don't think they suggest that anyone threaten anyone else. The idea is usually to just make the break. But I think some young people use the idea as a threat to try to see if they can get their parents/PILs to change what they (the young people) want to see changed.

But, as we've discussed elsewhere on this site, there's a whole slew of articles online about how to go NC, etc. Many of them were written to help people break their ties w/ narcissistic exes, but some people use them as a guide to ending contact w/ their own parents or PILs. Sad...

in a loving but firm tone, making it clear that we would never consider threatening a family member with this and it's not appropriate
it sounds as if you regard them as children who are obliged to defer to you

They egg each other on Mumsnet. They're all on that website. It's had so much publicity.

Mumsnet has a lot to answer for.

They egg each other on Mumsnet. They're all on that website. It's had so much publicity.



Its large forum no doubt, but are you seriously suggeating that a whole generation shares the same taste in online activity??

NC is NOT new, it just didnt have a name in the past! As anyone who has interviewed the older generations of their families for family history will have found, theres always at least one "oh we dont talk about him/her"

It was brushed under the carpet in the past. Thats all

Yep! I'm suggesting just that.

That "brushing under the carpet" in the past was more for cri inal offences, or madness. Or binging some kind of shame on the family.

Cannot believe daughters/sons actually threaten this stuff just to get their own way.

Don't blame you for being firm Mebster.

No wonder people think that talking things through are futile and NC is the only resolution with attitudes like gonegirl's about

No problems in my family notanan.

Just off to a nice fete with DD2 and s.i.l to be. All of them coming for dinner tomorrow.

The problem is the ATTITUDE that a whole generation should be seen as petilent children who have no valid feelings and are just following some imagined universal peer pressure...

.... there's no reasoning or rational discussion when faced with that nonsense. So NC can feel inevitable

When you hear of estrangements where the parents swear everything was fine until it wasnt.. thats why..

Yes, agree notanan. Nobody goes NC without a reason.

I see things from both sides, I would hate to be estranged from any of my children or grandchildren. I can’t imagine it ever happening, one daughter is a real family girl, the youngest child, and still quite dependant on us in lots of ways, not always a good thing admittedly! The other daughter we’ve had little upsets with over the years but have always resolved them, and our son is totally laid back.

On the other hand, I haven’t spoken to my own mother for twenty years, my only regret, I didn’t do it sooner. In many ways it’s mutual, she’s told my husband if I don’t go and see her, I’ll be out of her will, honestly, like that’s going to make any difference!

I think some people think I’m harsh, but people who know us both understand my reasons

And further to it not being new, there are GPs who have cut their ACs off too. Every one has a tipping point!

The "final straw" itself may seem trivial/petty, but its the straw that broke the camels back often times.

Notanan

Oh how right you are, it’s always that last straw!

Oh dear! Here we go again, every one sighting on for one side or the other. Eyeing up the opposition and picking up the weapon of choice.
It’ll be name calling next!

It wasn't until joining Gransnet that I discovered NC was a thing.
I'm sure it did exist but didn't have a name.
Perhaps we should help the NCs by suggesting ways of reuniting warring families.
There's too much misery in the world.

Mebster ...for what it’s worth ‘threatening’ is a form of blackmail, a way of taking control of you or your behaviour.
But to look at it another way it, possibly they feel at their wits end and are trying to open up discussion about what’s troubling them?
Not a good way to do that obviously but ‘having control’ is seen as a right now by more and more people.
I imagine you all have talked it over in the past?

At least your ac actually tell you what they intend.
Mine just never contact me or reply, until or if they want to. I’m left high and dry not sure what I’ve done.
Whilst they hold they hands up agast at the accusation of going no contact!!
Talk about hypocrites

Grammaretto but most of those who choose NC don’t want to reconnect. And for many there is no ‘war’. There is just a line drawn and the continuing of their lives.

That's even more depressing! Bibbity.
I get the feeling that many GP would love to reunite and possibly the AC do too but don't know how.
To threaten NC as a way of gaining control sounds so drastic. I can't imagine how awful it would be to never see your children or DGC.

"We've written them several notes, in a loving but firm tone, making it clear that we would never consider threatening a family member with this and it's not appropriate. It seems to have finally worked"

I'm not sure what "worked" means, unless you're saying they've stopped making the threats. Good if that's true, but how is the relationship otherwise? I don't like threats, but I know that some young people would take those notes as an effort to tell them what to do. Hopefully, DD and SIL didn't take it that way.

"The "final straw" itself may seem trivial/petty, but its the straw that broke the camels back often times."

Yes, I think sometimes when we hear why a parent/GP was CO, it sounds as if their AC was being petty. And sometimes they were. But other times, I agree, it's just that this last "little" thing was the last of several offenses. Sad situation either way.

Mebster ...for what it’s worth ‘threatening’ is a form of blackmail, a way of taking control of you or your behaviour. or a cack handed way of expressing being at the end of their tether and wanting it to be clear how seriously things have deteriorated, but still not 100% given up hope.

Maybe because expressing things more rationally was dismissed and brushed off.

Who knows.

It can be like if a marraige is in trouble, saying that the next step is divorce if things dont improve isnt blackmail etc, its an attempt to get the other person to understand the gravity of the situation! Sometimes people are dismissed until the other is sonewhat "socked" into understanding that things are approaching tipping point!

The goos news is that people no longer bother with arguements & shock tactics if they have already given up on you.