Difficult Position

Stay out of it - you can’t win. Either way you’ll cop it from one of them and if they ever kiss and make up, you’ll still be in the wrong.

I’d say ‘no sorry, I’d feel awkward being the go-between’. Keep out of it!

‘Jinx’ Pantglas!

Is there a way to prevent her asking? The pressure is wearing on me and I dread bumping into her now. I've said no so many times which is amazing for me as I'm usually such a doormat

Try ‘stop asking me now because I’m not going to change my mind!’ ?

Starblaze you could tell your friend that you've previously tried to point out to her certain behaviours that you know her D finds increasingly difficult to deal with, but she's never been prepared to take any responsibility.

In light of that, you don't feel speaking to her D on her behalf would do any good and she's to stop asking.

Oh the missing missing reasons that are not always missing!

"She wants me to find out why the daughter won't speak to her and explain to her that "**she doesn't know what a bad mum is compared to yours". "

Huge red flag. typical abuser justification.
Typical flying money maneuver, recruit people to show they support the mom and the daughter is unreasonable.

Tell your neighbour very clearly that you do not want to step in the private relationship between a mother and a daughter and stop asking.
If she pushed, tell her she is very much aware of the reasons why the estrangement happened and it is in her hands only to do something about it.
If she still pesters you, I would limit my contact with her.

If she burns the bridges around her, it is her own fault.

Is this really a person you want in your life?

Just for funsies, what are the reasons for the estrangement? Are any of those being repeated in relationships between the mother and everybody else around her?

Btw, very interesting thread. Thanks for opening it!
First time I read one that is created by a third person to the estrangement, not the estranger or estrangee (new words)

It gives us a new perspective how this problem is seem from a very close outside perspective.

Seen not seem arggg

Tell her you have not trained in the field of mediation and that without it you do not feel qualified to help and that she should look for a professional as the situation is causing you a lot of stress.

Apologoes, I posted without taking into account your reply.

Gold star on saying no multiple times!
She clearly does not understand your no is a serious answer.

Next time she brings it up, give her one warning and tell her: I have already told you no. We talk about something else or I will leave/you will have to leave" and do it.
Another time her badgering you- neighbour, you clearly have an issue respecting my decisions.
Please refrain from talking to me till you are able to do so.
And ignore her.
You say you cut off your mother? You may attract toxic influences in your life without realizing (btdt)

I think I have been too open to toxic people at times. It did not go well. She grabbed me when I was late for an appointment and I told her I didn't want to get involved and not to ask me again. She has now accused me of being on her daughters side and that I am biased. Very odd as I wouldn't even know how to contact her daughter now. Hopefully she won't talk to me again, I think i would prefer that. Thank you for the advice everyone. It felt good to put my foit down even if she didn't like it.

Nope nope nope.

Someone who was very abusive to me in private used to "confide" in others that they didnt know what was wrong with me and could the other person please intervene because they were worried about me...

They were using these (well meaning) 3rd parties as a form of abuse. Making me look unreasonable/difficult and showing me that everyone believed their "street angel" act.

STAY WELL OUT OF IT!

It's not easy dealing with toxic people Starblaze and you've done the right thing putting your foot down. Well done.

I realise now that they did it so I wouldnt speak out or seek help.

By having others approach me and tell me how caring and worried they thought that person was, and how I should stop upsetting them because they really cared about me, the message being conveyed was "tell noone because everyone believes ME not you"

The N word does get overused, but google "flying monkeys narcissist"

It sounds like you are being used as a flying monkey

"Someone who was very abusive to me in private used to "confide" in others that they didnt know what was wrong with me and could the other person please intervene because they were worried about me..."
Notanan2,
I can see you have met my mother.

Starblaze,
How predictable your neighbour reacted that way. It is textbook.

Now be wary she might try to smear your reputation in the neighbourhood. You hurt her ego and it is not over.

I think those with NPD have a play book we aren't aware of. Not that I a diagnosing my neighbour as such... I'm not at all qualified. Although I think it's fair to diagnose my own NM by my symptoms as well as her behaviour.

Hithere that is so funny
“I can see you have met my mother.” ROFL

Hopefully she won't talk to me again, I think i would prefer that.
From my experience, these people like to "pick a scab". They find it easier to stay away from people they like than people they have issue with..

..dont be surprised if you get an "Im a bigger person so will meet you for a water under the bridge coffee" invite in a few weeks time!

Hopefully not and you had a lucky escape, but be prepared none the less

Starblaze
Those with narcissistic tendencies do tend to follow the same script. You are with me or against me. No middle side of the road "we can agree to disagree"
Once you recognize the signs, it is very easy to see what's coming.

Yup. She will have a ball now throwing a pity party to her other friends about what a disloyal judgemental woman you are for kicking her when she is down. Variations of the truth will be told. With her as the victim.

She went to you upset about her DD and you were nasty and dismissive and it really hurt because she was such a good friend to you but you didnt care when she was upset

If the script is folowed..

Then after she has badmouthed you, she will make a performance of extending an olive branch to you.
To show how good a person she is...