Sparkling, you are spot-on when you mention the loneliness of estrangement. The realisation that your child really doesn't care whether you're alive or dead - or even if you may be seriously ill. When you think back to when they were young and all the love, care, fun and protection you naturally give them/share with them as parents. I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined this tragic, toxic outcome later in life. It's totally alien to me, having come from a loving home, as did my hubby. Don't get me wrong, as parents we expect no "reward" as such for our investment in our children, but surely, just to he included in their adult lives, and the lives of our grandchildren, would be reward enough? - and yet sadly we are being denied that, too.
My son was on the autistic spectrum. In 1982 when he was diagnosed at the age of 2, precious little was known about the condition. Many "experts" at the time told us they knew what was "best" for him, (and some even accused us of not knowing what was best for him!). Many of their suggestions just did not sit right with us. They were reading from a textbook and did not know our child and his abilities like we did.
I may have been swayed by them, had I been a single parent, but my husband was stronger and understood my son and his needs. Together, we fought his corner, tooth and nail, often going against their advice. By the time he was senior school age he had progressed beyond what they all had predicted. He went on to Uni, got a degree, was fairly comfortable in social situations, has a good job and his own company now as well, and as you know, has a partner and children. Many people patted us on the back and said we had "worked wonders"... but of course, it wasn't us, he did it all by himself. We had only helped to create the environment where we knew he would flourish. That is why all this hurts so much now. Especially knowing that his eldest son is quite severely autistic. We can see him struggling to make sense of life around him. He says very little even though he is now 10 years old. No real conversation at all, no "chit chat", just monosyllabic answers. We could be such a great support to them, if only we were invited and included into their lives. Alas it is not to be, for whatever reason.
Starlady, I am not sure we were actually invited to the baptism as such, to be honest! We received a text about one to two weeks before the actual ceremony, which was more of a statement...i.e. "Jack is being baptised on....at....church". There was no mention of the time of the ceremony. We had to ask about the timings several times (by text...as they never answer their phones when they see it's us on the end of the line). We were kept hanging until 48 hours before the baptism, when we were finally 'allowed 'to know the time. It's all played out as a bit of a game, to keep us hanging. The fact that we had had the original text, we interpreted as meaning we were actually "allowed" to attend. I think both 1) and 2) scenarios were relevant. There had obviously been lengthy discussion as to whether or not we would be invited back to celebrate afterwards (obviously not) and I am sure also that they wanted to do the bare minimum as to our involvement...hence not knowing until so late, when plans had obviously been in place for some time. I believe them both to be true. Maybe because they think we would have found out about it if they had kept quiet and not told us?
Regarding the e-mail idea....
As you know, my lovely daughter has also been cut out of her brother's life (and nephews' lives) because she dared to point out a few years ago how deeply sad the situation was making everyone (at the time our parents were alive and also affected by their attitude, too, rarely seeing their great grandchildren and not undrrstanding any of it). She has had a lot to deal with lately, including dealing with the venomous message we both received at Christmas. Unlike her, but she had a one-off session with a counsellor to try and make sense of things.
The counsellor has suggested that my son's partner is definitely a covert narcissist, playing cruel games, and possibly my son is too....(or he goes along with it as he won't rock the boat). It was the counsellor that suggested the email set-up, so that we can all write little blogs about our lives, or if we are just thinking about them, to write it down as a message. It is unlikely that the email addresses would be discovered, as they can be obscure and only we would have the password.
Regarding what the other grandparents think about the situation....
In our case, right from the "get go" when the first pregnancy was announced back in 2009, we got the feeling that DIL's mother wanted control...and that did not include us. Even a day or two after his birth, we waited patiently for a couple of hours to see our new grandson at the hospital, whilst a steady stream of all their aunts, uncles and cousins from afar went in to see him before us..saying when they left "oh, sorry, haven't you seen him yet?"
DILs father keeps out of it all (he had to wait patiently outside, too). There had been an acrimonious divorce. However, he sees the boys regularly now. He keeps his thoughts to himself. DIL's mother is not approachable and we feel she could be behind it all. After all, behaviour breeds behaviour.