You have my sympathy Hels001, I had a similar thing happen with my middle daughter of 5 just over 20years ago, although it was not my ex-husband, her father who was the troublemaker, but the Groom and his Mother who insisted on being the centre of attention on the day, and could not bear the thought that I may just steel a little of her limelight! Like your ex-husband has financially taken over controlling your Daughter, this woman did the same thing to my family, but added insult to injury by sending us a Wedding present list expecting us to indicate the gift we would be sending, and also the details and costs of my Youngest Daughters Bridesmaids dress and regalia, including hairdressing costs! This was the first that I knew of this, as being that the other three sisters would have been upset by being excluded, I wrote back and Said that we would be away on a family weekend that day, so my Youngest daughter would not be attending the wedding.
Needless to say, that once DD was married, MIL started the same tactics with her, telling her how to dress, requesting expensive Birthday Presents for herself, constantly saying she was not looking after her son properly, and taking over the household and decision making to the point where my DD felt that her house was not her own. Needless to say, the marriage failed after 4 years, and she returned home to us whilst she sorted out a little home of her own, using the money she got as part of the divorce settlement. Several years on, and she met her Partner who she is still with today, a lovely man who puts her needs first and adores her, his parents are very nice people, and totally different to the ex's. My Daughter now visits me regularly once more, and we are very close, we look back and laugh about 'Sue-per-bitch' and her antics in the past, and have closed that chapter in our lives for good. Hang on in there Hels001, As painful as it is now, it will improve given time, but the high emotions at the moment are clouding your daughters judgement somewhat, and one day she will come to understand that no amount of money is worth greater than a mothers love, and she may return one day and come back to your door, like most do!