Asdf You are completly in thrall to your daughter. You ditch your son at every opportunity whenever you daughter threatens to estrange herself. You live with her half the time, you let her control your finances. On every occasion, when she says jump, you jump. The fuss she makes when you visited your son and grandchildren is pure emotional blackmail and indeed, I would say its purpose was to effect the very estrangement from your son that you now have.
^ I'm not choosing dd for any other reason other than how would she cope alone? She has nobody else.^
That is the weakest excuse I have ever heard. Your DD will manage perfectly well on her own if she has to. Tens of thousands of women in her position, when faced with managing on their own do so.
This claim that she 'needs' you is all part of the emotional blackmail aimed at separating you from your son and ensuring she has complete control over your whole life.
Anyway, taking control of your own finances, finding your ownadvisors and therapists, will not affect the help you give her nor the help she gives you
You also say She also deals with my medical appointments from her work email and phone. She helps me do these things even though I don't ask her and don't need her to.
Read that aloud to yourself 20 or 30 times, what does it say. It says that your daughter manipulates you like a puppet on a string. All you need to do, is tell her it is kind of her to do all this for you, but you are quite capable of doing this yourself and in the future you intend to do so.
I will give you credit for having the courage to come back time and time to this thread, even though what we are saying here is often very hard, even brutal.
It is obvious that you really are looking for a solution to your problem, but you are now a widow, the real problem in your life is not your son, but your daughter.
She has taken over your life under the guise of 'helping you'. She has undermined your confidence by offering and doing everything for you; doctor's appointments, finance, therapy. She constantly tells you that she knows more than you do, can do things, more easily, gradually bit by bit she is deskilling you and undermining any confidence you have in your ability to run your life, down to things as intimate and personal as your health and relationship with your GP.
I know you want a solution that restores your son, but does not upset your daughter. Quite simply that is impossible, and the reason that is impossible is because your daughter is the problem and has actively worked to get this estrangement.
There is only one solution. You have to take back charge of your life. Start with medical appointments and their like and refuse to tell your DD any details of them, other than a bare minimum. Then seek therapy. Just talk to your GP or somewhere like Age UK or the Citizen's Advice. Do not say anyhthing to you DD until you have got it arranged and started the course of therapy. Then gradually take charge of your finances. Check your bank statement every month, ask for details of savings and investments. Tell her firmly that you want to run your own life, she has more than enough to do being a single mum.
If necessary employ a firm of accountants to check everything to see if it is as your DD has told you.
There is only one solution. You have to take charge of your life and make your own decisions and there is no way you can do that without cutting the strings your DD uses to manpulate you.
There is one alternative. Shrug and just accept that your son's estrangement is the price you have to pay for an easy life.
